Preserved Sheet Whitlock Carswell

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Anseran said:
Race | Altalar / Cielothar halfbreed
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Anseran said:
Height | 5'8" inch
Weight | 134 lbs
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Anseran said:
Especially since, due to his Cielothar genes, the boy had grown more female and childish features when contrasted to that of the other men and Nelfin in the area. Still, Whitlock endured being shoved into girls' clothing and treated as if he were such. The poor elf will never know if it was a malformed version of love or a crude joke placed onto him by teasing sisters...
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Anseran said:
His girly looks refused to fade, and if his body would not change, he would make it his mission to avoid his sisters, though sometimes to no avail.
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Simply changed his race to appropriate the lore of his more 'childish' looks when contrasted to full-blooded Altalar - Height, race. Due to height change, I reduced the weight.
Added into his backstory reason for why he may seem meek around the topic of girls to flush a little more out about what I described his backstory to be like IC.

Essentially, Whitlock resembles a girl much more canon-wise, now, and the response of his sisters were added as well.

@LumosJared This all good?
 
Anseran said:
PARALYSED RIGHT HAND

During the event of The Great Castle Crash, Whitlock's hand has been left paralyzed and unable to be used. However, he retains his ability to cast using fire magic. The difficulty that Whitlock faces will likely come from his inability to use his dominant hand. He will now pursue becoming left-handed or ambidextrous in order to make up for his now damaged hand.
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@LumosJared Just adding the weakness from the post.
 
On the "Right Hand" weakness, it mentions that he can still cast fire magic properly. However, the post says his hand was damaged beyond greatly, to the point where it'd never be the same (hence it being paralysed as you said), and the Magic Guide requires two-handed gestures for proper casting. You may want to edit that accordingly (unless I was unaware that it was changed or something). His magic would likely spin out of control sometimes because of this, or it may take him longer to cast properly. @Anseran
 
ChensSpaghetti said:
On the "Right Hand" weakness, it mentions that he can still cast fire magic properly. However, the post says his hand was damaged beyond greatly, to the point where it'd never be the same (hence it being paralysed as you said), and the Magic Guide requires two-handed gestures for proper casting. You may want to edit that accordingly (unless I was unaware that it was changed or something). His magic would likely spin out of control sometimes because of this, or it may take him longer to cast properly. @Anseran
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@Silent_Ruler Asked Staff not long after the post and they said he can still cast.
 
Due to recent events and player complaints, this app will be put back into the review queue for a re-review.
 
@Nastynick

This time I just want a clear set of limits and capabilities on as to what my character can and cannot do without recieving contradictory feedback from different lore staff only to be reprimanded by one for following the other's tip.
 
I'll pick up this review. Everything will be clear. :)
 
Here is my review! Bear in mind I am judging this to a high standard so there can be no room of a sense of mixed expectations or room for interpretation.
  • Main Ambition should be updated to something that reflects where you are actually progressing this character. He is obviously not living out the life of a social butterfly if he is helping collapse a Regalian landmark and taking to the streets to fight in the middle of a rebellion. Furthermore, what drive would your character have to learn an incredibly powerful and offensive form of magic if he just wants some nice friends?
  • Deceptive and Manipulative as they are written are the same thing. Both suggest he does things to test people to get more information. Merge this and add an additional negative personality trait to take its place.
  • Kind-hearted is a personality thing moreso than a strength. It is also pretty well covered inside of open minded. So this can just be removed.
  • Determined is not a valid strength because it does not actually improve your ability. Contrary to what the little engine that could taught you as a child, determination does not actually improve your chances of success at anything. The train couldn't carry those cars because he really really wanted to, he was able to do it because his engine was sufficiently strong enough to do so. Move it to personality.
  • Make your fire magic one of your strengths. 3 strengths is also plenty since the fire magic plays out so often.
  • Procrastinator is not a valid weakness because it can't really play out in RP. You can never really play out in game a time where you are putting off doing something, you are pretty much playing out the events whenever they do actually happen. While this can be a major flaw in real life, I don't see it really weakening you in RP. If you find this essential to your character, move it to peronality, otherwise remove it.
  • Stubborn is a personality trait. Because it is so heavily dependent on his moral compass, it may or may not actually weaken him. Move this to personality.
  • Paralyzed right hand needs to be re-written. All it really says right now is that you have it and it stinks, but he is trying to get rid of it as a weakness. I believe this as a weakness can actually give you an opportunity to moderate your character's discretion in how often they use magic and allow his superbly written personality to shine. A good weakness always has 3 components:
  1. What it is. (in this case a paralized hand)
  2. A trigger that is likely to come up in RP (casting is probably a good idea for you)
  3. And a consequence. Based on the commonality of the trigger the consequence can be balanced. In this case I highly recommend a roll system for failing at casting. This is up to your creative freedom and you can come up with a completely different consequence if you want and I will review it, but this gives a picture of what would probably be balanced:
Whitlock's has a paralyzed hand from the Greygate collapse. This hand can make casting unstable. He will occasionally fail at casting and sometimes the spell will even backfire. This will be determined by a /roll 1 10 each time he casts If 1, then the spell backfires burning himself at the strength in which he was trying to harm his opponent, if 2-3 then spell fizzles, but still consumed some endurance as if he casted and if 4-10 the cast is completely normal.

Note: Only approved characters may apply for the progression, I have picked this review first and out of order in consideration that you want to participate and were previously approved, so the ball is in your court for whether you make quality edits in a sufficient time.
 
I took another look over the full application and found some more tweaks:
  • According to the racial interbreeding matrix, Altalar genes are dominant when it comes to breeding, so your character would fall primarily under the physical parameters of an Altalar, which means that your height must be at least 6'. I can see making him appear more feminine and minor edits like that, but Whitlock would primarily be Altalar and therefore fit inside their height caste. You can reconcile this either by editing his lineage to go full Cielothar or increasing his height.
  • Appearance/Easily Manipulated does not really weaken him. It has too many outs built into the construct. It seems like you've left yourself far to much room to really be manipulated afterall. In addition, it even says in the weakness that it is sometimes an advantage. A weakness should really only weaken. I would usually let this slide as a 4th weakness, but Protective and Overconfident are already a little iffy since the only real consequence to overconfident is a fairly normal level of embarrassment from failure and Protective helps him with those he saves as much as it hurts him with those he is protecting against. As such, I'll ask you to replace the most iffy of these three (Easily Manipulated) with a different weakness that only weakens him.
Make some tweaks and then tag me @TheOverseer__
 
TheOverseer__ said:
I took another look over the full application and found some more tweaks:
  • According to the racial interbreeding matrix, Altalar genes are dominant when it comes to breeding, so your character would fall primarily under the physical parameters of an Altalar, which means that your height must be at least 6'. I can see making him appear more feminine and minor edits like that, but Whitlock would primarily be Altalar and therefore fit inside their height caste. You can reconcile this either by editing his lineage to go full Cielothar or increasing his height.
  • Appearance/Easily Manipulated does not really weaken him. It has too many outs built into the construct. It seems like you've left yourself far to much room to really be manipulated afterall. In addition, it even says in the weakness that it is sometimes an advantage. A weakness should really only weaken. I would usually let this slide as a 4th weakness, but Protective and Overconfident are already a little iffy since the only real consequence to overconfident is a fairly normal level of embarrassment from failure and Protective helps him with those he saves as much as it hurts him with those he is protecting against. As such, I'll ask you to replace the most iffy of these three (Easily Manipulated) with a different weakness that only weakens him.
Make some tweaks and then tag me @TheOverseer__
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By becoming full Cielothar, he'd lose his blonde hair and light skin. This pretty much destroying all of my art. On the other hand, I'd prefer he be short if not shorter than he currently is. Could we work with a 3/4 Cielothar to a 1/4 Altalar mix? This'd push his blonde hair and fine skin genes whilst leaving his height a little more blurred? Perhaps I'm being picky and childish but the freedom with his appearance goes a long way IC. Any compromise would be appreciated.

I'm also having difficulties finding an appropriate weakness. Do you have any suggestions?
 
I can live with that racial mix producing your desired physical characteristics, especially since it's been previously approved with those characteristics.

My best advice on finding inspiration for weaknesses is to review some other approved applications for ideas.
 
I am still going to reject short sighted in terms of something that is always a weakness. What if an opponent is right in front of his and his allies are there as well? What if there is only one opponent and others don't enter? There are several scenarios where this just doesn't effect you and there a large amount of gray area built into this weakness as well. Per your concern of possibly getting differing directions from different staff I would prefer to not have any gray area in how a weakness plays out.

A lot of things are open- some ideas to consider:
  • A social quip of some kind that might make him annoying to others like pulling capitalizing on your new personality trait making him judgmental and lecturing his friends on right and wrong.
  • A fear or emotional tick that effects his state of mind. Maybe he is claustrophobic and is generally uncomfortable and upset when in tunnels because of the tunnels at Graygate? Of course, if you are in the sewers a lot this could be a little over the top, but you get the picture of the idea.
  • Some sort of mental weakness that would cause him to know perceive or understand something that would be normal to be able to perceive or understand. This would need a pretty good trigger and and consequence built in, the most common adaptation of this sort of weakness is a lack of an ability to pick up hints or other emotional social ques, but that doesn't really fit Witlock's perceptiveness. If it were my sheet this would be the hardest to implement for me, but based on this lead you may have ideas I don't so I figured I'd throw it out there.
Weaknesses like these can generate lots of great RP and enhance interpersonal relationships between your characters and others. Just like in real life, often times friendships are not tested when you all are teaming up in common cause, but helping each other work through each other's weaknesses. Some of the most fulfilling RP I've had with my new vamp character has been playing through fits of OCD and mental instability rather than the moments when he is getting stabby on people. This is why I encourage you to have a decent social/emotional weakness, it can help you move away from a single aspect Fire mage and drive you toward a more animated and lifelike Whitlock. The point is that I am not nitpicking, just to nitpick, I am just trying to help you arrive at a more 3 dimensional character whose only purpose isn't to find fights to jump in on.

Hope this helps!

Tag me @TheOverseer__ after you've re-worked that weakness again.
 
@TheOverseer__ I'd like to use this Weakness. It's come into play a couple of time and actually ends in him damaging himself. He's not an edgy character as you know, considering he is actually responsible for these things. Lorenzo, to him, is a light in the darkness of Regalia; a truth speaker'. He's insecure, pretty much. If it needs edits or if you could tell me another sort of way this can be used as a weakness, I'd appreciate it, heh.
 
That's a great emotional weakness, actually. This is just the kind of emotional vulnerability that will allow some in depth dialog between yourself and other characters. Combined with all the other edits, this is good to call Approved.
 
TheOverseer__ said:
That's a great emotional weakness, actually. This is just the kind of emotional vulnerability that will allow some in depth dialog between yourself and other characters. Combined with all the other edits, this is good to call Approved.
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Again, thank you for being so quick and working with me, it means a lot!
 
Upon discussion and receiving clarification, this character was executed some time ago by the guard. Characters executed by the Guard for committing grievous crimes and high treason cannot be brought back. @Anseran
 
Caelamus said:
Upon discussion and receiving clarification, this character was executed some time ago by the guard. Characters executed by the Guard for committing grievous crimes and high treason cannot be brought back. @Anseran
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@Caelamus I don't intend to play as or bring the character back to life. Simply put, he's dead. I just wanted to update his character app and story. If you could review it like any other, with the exception I that I cannot play him, that's all I'm after. Once again, I cannot and do not intend to play the character, Accepted or Not, since he's dead.
 
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