As the sun set on another Regalian day, and as the ocean lapped against the city docks, Czylle sat bootless with her feet hanging into the water. Besides her, a bottle of whisky, a blanket, and a stack of letters. Her gaze cast out towards the horizon. She currently did not know in which direction she faced, but in her mind she claimed it to be towards Brissaud; towards her son. The womans eyes were red, heavy; she had not slept well in several days now, and each night she had spent in tears. The woman looked to her hands, which sat clasped together on her lap. Within them was a toy horse; a small object that showed little to no use.
"Bastian.." she called toward the toy horse, which of course gave no reply, "I hope you are looking after your father, little one."
To her side then she rested the toy horse, to instead fill her hands with the letters. They were hers; letters written to her son and her admiral that had been never sent. "You've barely been gone and yet, it feels as though we have been separated years," Czylle spoke to the wind, "I can not do this, Erwald. To wake every morning knowing that you two are not there. That I will not see you through the day."
"F**k. I made a mistake."
The woman folded each letter one by one, and stacked them neatly to her side.
Then, she came to the bottle of whisky. Too often had she turned to the alcohol but today, she refused. She took the bottle by its neck, and lobbed it into the water in front of her. "I've sought all sort of things to fill this gap you two have left for me. Alcohol, company, work.. Nothing /works/ properly. I can only pretend so much- ha. To think, what will I be like after a month? Two?"
With a shake of her head Czylle stood, gathered the toy horse, letters and blanket, and made her way towards her home.
Alone
"Are you alright? Are you well? Is something wrong?"
"I am fine.."
A saying not uncommon to the woman at this point in her life.
"Used goods, separated, no one will want you now."
These however, were things that Czylle had not heard before, and each word spoke broke her heart into pieces again, and again. In truth, she did not care to even think of the possibility of re-marrying somewhere down the line but the truths still hurt when spoke, no matter how casually it might have been.
"Replaced Erwald already have you?"
That line. That struck her down. Did she truly look as though she had replaced him, her Admiral. The only man she had been with, despite various assumptions. The father to her only child. The man who had stuck by her for so, so long. Did they truly believe she had replaced him?
Czylle shook her head as she sat within her home, as she recalled back all these various comments.
"I could not replace him," she said to herself, "I should have never let him leave without me."
"I am not fine without him."
Realization came then. How dependant she had been to Erwald, to get her through the days. Whilst she had been out more, socializing more, it had all been a farce, A charade, and with each passing comment came a blow to that facade she had put on for the public eye. They reminded her that now she was alone. That she had spent years by her admirals side and now? That was all gone.
Czylle stood from her seat, and wandered aimlessly about the room for some moments, as once again she recalled those comments.
And then on the floor she sat, in the middle of the hall. She sat, pulled her knees to her chest, and she sobbed.
"I am not fine.."
A day had passed, and perhaps then two before the woman took note of the time of day. Czylle had spent her time alone, with her alcohol, locked away in her home which was not even the one she had once shared with Erwald and Bastian.
She had given that one up.
Instead she had opted for another. There was no sign of the two, save for Bastians toy horse and a nondescript cloak she had stolen from Erwald some time ago. The decor screamed d'Vaud, with colours of azure blue and ivory and she had to admit, she felt more at ease without the constant reminder of what she had lost.
"I am sorry, Erwald. I could not do it," she muttered as she began to wake, with a headache which warned her that she had drank far, far too much.
With a groan Czylle lifted herself out of bed, and glanced about her room to ensure everything was still in tact. A desk overflowing with paperwork and sketches and letters, bottles of various empty drinks lay strewn about the floor, and clothes simply washed and forgotten about practically carpeted the floor.
"What would he think if he saw this.."
After dressing herself Czylle got too. Cleaning her home took perhaps the entire remainder of the day. How dragged down she had allowed it to become but, afterwards, she felt a sense of clarity. She felt a weight lifted from her shoulders.
Feeling somewhat refreshed, Czylle took too her desk. This was the final place she had to sort. Letters; some address to Erwald and Bastian that were never sent, and some received from a friend; she sorted each into a pile and cleared a space so that she could set herself to write again.
"I will send this one," she said certainly.
And from the heart, with a glass of water by her side to replace the alcohol she loved so much, Czylle began to write.
To the two dearest people in my life.
To the sweetest admiral I have ever, and will ever know,
And to my darling sweet boy.
I wish you had warned me how difficult this choice would be.
I wish you had convinced me to come with you.
Erwald, I have tried time and time again since you left to write you a letter. To write something meaningful but I each simply came to a mess of words that meant nothing and, each was subsequently scrapped.
I do not need to tell you how much I miss you, how much I love you and Bastian. All this you know.
But I hope that in telling you how little I can cope without you, it will help me air my thoughts, my feelings, and help me with adapting to life without you both here.
I relied on you for support, to get me through those days, however dark they might be and you were always there. Telling me either to keep going, or to shut up arguing, or telling me to think logically. You always said the right things.
I miss you both terribly, even though I know you are a boat or two away. The distance feels twice as much when I see Bastians toy horse. I miss his laughter, I miss our laughter.
I do not know what will happen now. I do not know what I will do. I feel as though I need to remain here with my kin, to help them push further, but then feel that gap you two left creep up to me again, and I no longer have that confidence in my choice.
I am lost.
I wish you had convinced me to come with you.
Erwald, I have tried time and time again since you left to write you a letter. To write something meaningful but I each simply came to a mess of words that meant nothing and, each was subsequently scrapped.
I do not need to tell you how much I miss you, how much I love you and Bastian. All this you know.
But I hope that in telling you how little I can cope without you, it will help me air my thoughts, my feelings, and help me with adapting to life without you both here.
I relied on you for support, to get me through those days, however dark they might be and you were always there. Telling me either to keep going, or to shut up arguing, or telling me to think logically. You always said the right things.
I miss you both terribly, even though I know you are a boat or two away. The distance feels twice as much when I see Bastians toy horse. I miss his laughter, I miss our laughter.
I do not know what will happen now. I do not know what I will do. I feel as though I need to remain here with my kin, to help them push further, but then feel that gap you two left creep up to me again, and I no longer have that confidence in my choice.
I am lost.
-Czylle
