Preserved Sheet Valentius Decimar

This sheet was missing a prefix or has not been edited for a long period of time. Please create a ticket including a linkif your sheet was moved in error.
Art added to the app for flavooouur, nothing else was changed or added, but the approved prefix vanished a result @LumosJared
 
@LumosJared I have made several changes all over the entirety of the app, all changes have been marked in blue to make it easy for reading. I'm applying for Expert within the School of Bloodcast and thus need a re-review. His armaments, training, some skills, and his life story have all been changed to suit this.
 
Made some edits to the "Expert Bloodcast" talent to make it sound better and generally reflect the wiki a bit more. Also added some scars to his visual section on his back, he's always had scars like that, not sure why I never added them. @LumosJared
 
@Drowdar I'll take care of your re-review and I have mainly just one question:

Does Veridan not use any form of Drowdar combat style anymore? Has his Khoptar disappeared from his combat retinue? I think you need to clarify a bit what kind of other combat techniques he still possesses and to what degree beyond Legcaen and Bloodcast.
 
Drowdar said:
Due to the skills he's learned upon Drowda he's a fair bit more formidable without a shield and with a single sword than most others of the Bloodcast school.
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Drowdar said:
Despite the new training, Veridan still retains what he learned upon Drowda but given he hasn't upkept it with the Khoptar or stayed long enough, it's not nearly comparable to his Bloodcast training. He also kept his Khoptar for personal reasons, keeping the sword within his home and mostly unused.
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@MonMarty I clarified upon this in his life story and within his strength to add a little bit more of a unique twist. Otherwise, it basically explains that he still has his knowledge, but no longer upkeeps the training with the Khoptar, as he's focused on Bloodcast now. However, I didn't add it to his skill section since it's not even an official school yet.
 
Drowdar said:
@MonMarty I clarified upon this in his life story and within his strength to add a little bit more of a unique twist. Otherwise, it basically explains that he still has his knowledge, but no longer upkeeps the training with the Khoptar, as he's focused on Bloodcast now. However, I didn't add it to his skill section since it's not even an official school yet.
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Be aware that when the Khoptar school comes out, adding it on top of Legcaen and Bloodcast will be too much. Whoever reviews you, if then you add Khoptar school on top, you should sacrifice Legcaen. Aside from that, approved.
 
@MonMarty changes made to the app in accordance to recent events. Mentioning his imperialization and the name change. Aside from that nothing else has changed. The imperialization blurbs are marked in blue. The name isn't marked in blue for obvious reasons.
 
Made some minor changes that I forgot to add beforehand in regards to employment and the Inquisition, also updated the relationship section.
 
Retagging @MonMarty since this has dropped onto the second page and there's been no response. The above mentioned is all that has changed, shouldn't need much of a re-review considering it's nothing game-breaking.
 
My Review:
  • You mention his Weapon of Choice involves a Towershield, that is not allowed by either school. Only Kite or Heater is allowed so please make this edit.
  • Your Talent of "Expert Bloodcast" isn't so much a talent itself as who are talented at being an Expert Bloodcast? I suppose that makes sense but such a statement is due to a collective of other factors. Rework this strength to reflect this.
  • Physical Conditioning as a Talent seems rather odd especially by how you've phrased some things. "Despite his age..." He's only 60 when Drowdar can live up to 150 years old, he's barely even in middle age for his race. Additionally, you mention a lot about "stamina" and "endurance" which points more to an overall strength in acrobatics perhaps or better exercise than being able to be good at physical conditioning. If you wish to keep all of the content points the same, try to find a better term for the Talent.
  • Remember for talents to state aloud "I have a talent in _." which can help you better define traits like this in the future. If it sounds strange or odd, try to find a better term to explain it.
Please tag me once the edits have been done in green @Drowdar
 
HydraLana said:
You mention his Weapon of Choice involves a Towershield, that is not allowed by either school. Only Kite or Heater is allowed so please make this edit.
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As this was a recent change to the school, I have changed this to the appropriate shield.
HydraLana said:
Your Talent of "Expert Bloodcast" isn't so much a talent itself as who are talented at being an Expert Bloodcast? I suppose that makes sense but such a statement is due to a collective of other factors. Rework this strength to reflect this.
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I believe it should be mentioned as a talent because it still sets him apart from most others, is everyone a Bloodcast expert? And it's also mentioned he has something most other Bloodcasts don't. It also takes up a spot in the talents as it should, since it's something he's dedicated his entire life to become talented in, thus being a talent.
HydraLana said:
Physical Conditioning as a Talent seems rather odd especially by how you've phrased some things. "Despite his age..." He's only 60 when Drowdar can live up to 150 years old, he's barely even in middle age for his race. Additionally, you mention a lot about "stamina" and "endurance" which points more to an overall strength in acrobatics perhaps or better exercise than being able to be good at physical conditioning. If you wish to keep all of the content points the same, try to find a better term for the Talent.
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"Despite his age" was mentioned because Drowdar are currently cited on the wiki as aging like Ailor. He might only be middle-age but he's still old by all means and needs to keep up his physical health. However, I have completely done away with physical conditioning. Given his combat school and body-build, it's unnecessary as it's already assumed.
HydraLana said:
Remember for talents to state aloud "I have a talent in _." which can help you better define traits like this in the future. If it sounds strange or odd, try to find a better term to explain it.
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I believe this comes down to personal preference alone, as I prefer to mention the titles as such and no reviewers have had any confusion or objection with it before, it's simply more 'straight to the point'. I feel the titles in combination with my in-detail explanations are more than adequate.

Additionally, Lecgaen was removed outright from the skills. Also changed all mention of Expert to Champion.
 
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Re-approved.
 
Because I'm me, I absolutely love aesthetic. Because of this, I completely redid, rewrote, and edited Veridan's list of equipment and items. Retribution was given a bigger description and tied to him as a person, his shield was edited a bit as well for further customization, even his dagger and armour were edited, his necklace too. Because this is all in an expansion and doesn't change anything about his character itself, this doesn't need a re-review. This was just done because I felt that it all needed some love and personality added to it rather than 'oh, it's there'.
 
@HydraLana I decided that the School of Bloodcast was just not the school I wanted for Valentius anymore, nor did I feel that it suited him as well as it should've. As such I changed him completely to the School of Esa-Ajo because it makes sense and would suit him much better. A lot of the app got edits to remove Bloodcast and replace it with a few different words and fit Esa-Ajo into it better. As such, the only real major change is the total swap between the schools, his general personality, etc etc, remains unchanged. I also updated relationships. I just need a re-review to make certain it's all good for the new School.
 
Deadfoe51 said:
@HydraLana I decided that the School of Bloodcast was just not the school I wanted for Valentius anymore, nor did I feel that it suited him as well as it should've. As such I changed him completely to the School of Esa-Ajo because it makes sense and would suit him much better. A lot of the app got edits to remove Bloodcast and replace it with a few different words and fit Esa-Ajo into it better. As such, the only real major change is the total swap between the schools, his general personality, etc etc, remains unchanged. I also updated relationships. I just need a re-review to make certain it's all good for the new School.
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My sole point of re-review is that I request your life story to possess more dates so I can more clearly see his time spent in the Citadel and if it lines up with the School's parameters.
 
HydraLana said:
My sole point of re-review is that I request your life story to possess more dates so I can more clearly see his time spent in the Citadel and if it lines up with the School's parameters.
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Done and marked in blue, it's an entirely new section which highlights when he started, and around when he gained champion and that he remained a little longer after that before actually leaving. Combined with that, there are still a few mentions of him returning to Drowda.

Deadfoe51 said:
This was around the time that Valentius gained Warrior level within the School of Esa-Ajo, at nineteen years of age.
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Deadfoe51 said:
The Drowdar's later adult life was much like his earlier life, but far more trying and dangerous. Valentius had trained since he was ten years of age, and gained his Khoptar by roughly around sixteen years of age. This is when his true test started, however, and where his journey to champion officially began. He fought alongside his fellow Drowdar, occasionally teaching and leading the younger generations as he fought the beasts that dwell within Drowda. This took many long and arduous years, and was the time that Valentius gained most of his scars and injuries. He finally reached Champion level by about thirty, having killed many of the biggest beasts that were within Drowda. He stayed for some time after becoming a champion to teach the younger generations and aid the holds before leaving his tainted homeland.
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Deadfoe51 said:
Done and marked in blue, it's an entirely new section which highlights when he started, and around when he gained champion and that he remained a little longer after that before actually leaving. Combined with that, there are still a few mentions of him returning to Drowda.
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Re-approved.
 
Application has been edited into the new system accordingly, backstory and other such things were changed minorly to account for this. Valentius has also undergone a major change as a character that I added in along with this template edit and change. Valentius Decimar is officially retiring and was aged up a tad to streamline things a bit, he'll no longer really be having much in the way of combat and is being delegated to a side-character as my other character Shepard Haaven will rise up to be my new main character purely because I enjoy them more. So he's taking the place of an older beaten-down veteran and mentor with his skill allocations.
 
Made changes accordingly to the proficiency changes, the +5 points were distributed accordingly to even things out nicely.
 
My Review:
  • His Cultural Points are 60 when they should be 50 as he lost 10 by entering into a school in the normal Proficiency Points area. Please correct this.
  • Please edit his Weapon of Choice to conform to his chosen Proficiencies.
  • Your Life Story is over the 900 word limit, please edit it down.
Tag me once these edits have been don in green @EmperorMoose
 
@HydraLana I made the changes accordingly, 10 points were removed from cuisine cooking, weapon of choice was edited as those two things were both oversights. I also shortened the life story accordingly by removing unnecessary bits and pieces.
 
EmperorMoose said:
@HydraLana I made the changes accordingly, 10 points were removed from cuisine cooking, weapon of choice was edited as those two things were both oversights. I also shortened the life story accordingly by removing unnecessary bits and pieces.
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Please feel free to add the cuisine points back. I am a failure at basic math. He can have 60 Cultural Points.
 
Approved.
 
Changes made according to recent events that happened ICly, he was maimed and is now missing his left eye. Aside from that, no other changes were made to the app.
 
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