Preserved Sheet Nelly Cassarina

This sheet was missing a prefix or has not been edited for a long period of time. Please create a ticket including a linkif your sheet was moved in error.
Nelly scares me. She poisoned a 13 year old and does many other things. *shiver*
 
Now, Nellys death got voided, due to some ic and ooc reasons and now I'd like a re-review.
But since Jadie-pooh isn't staff no more, cri, I'm tagging @Lore and setting the tag back.
 
  • To quote the second paragraph in personality traits:
    "Nelly sees herself as a very secluded person, who can sometimes be a bit open about herself, even when she tries to act repressively about things. And although she has quite the lack of confidence, if she sets her mind on something, she'll be determined to succeed. "
    You contradicted yourself three times in that one sentence. Is she secluded, or open? Does she lack confidence, or is she headstrong? Decide.
  • I would make her more headstrong than shy, given her "Independent" strength.
  • Play her alcoholism up more in the life story. I would suggest making it a coping mechanism for her when she gets flustered.
  • I would also add one more negative inclined quirk.
Pending Review!
 
LumosJared said:
  • To quote the second paragraph in personality traits:
    "Nelly sees herself as a very secluded person, who can sometimes be a bit open about herself, even when she tries to act repressively about things. And although she has quite the lack of confidence, if she sets her mind on something, she'll be determined to succeed. "
    You contradicted yourself three times in that one sentence. Is she secluded, or open? Does she lack confidence, or is she headstrong? Decide.
  • I would make her more headstrong than shy, given her "Independent" strength.
  • Play her alcoholism up more in the life story. I would suggest making it a coping mechanism for her when she gets flustered.
  • I would also add one more negative inclined quirk.
Pending Review!
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Before I do the edits, by negative quirk, do you mean a weakness?
 
LumosJared said:
  • To quote the second paragraph in personality traits:
    "Nelly sees herself as a very secluded person, who can sometimes be a bit open about herself, even when she tries to act repressively about things. And although she has quite the lack of confidence, if she sets her mind on something, she'll be determined to succeed. "
    You contradicted yourself three times in that one sentence. Is she secluded, or open? Does she lack confidence, or is she headstrong? Decide.
  • I would make her more headstrong than shy, given her "Independent" strength.
  • Play her alcoholism up more in the life story. I would suggest making it a coping mechanism for her when she gets flustered.
  • I would also add one more negative inclined quirk.
Pending Review!
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
I think I did as asked. Added somewhat negativity to her personality paragraphs.
 
I'll be handling this re-review on Jared's behalf.
 
Claimed.
 
Okay, so.

- Your character is an Isldar. Why do they worship Estel? This isn't explained.
- How'd she learn to be a Lightgiver Ritualist?
- You never explain your character's actual origins. Where are her parents from, who are these Isldar with Ailor names?
- Where and how did she learn to be an architect?
- Where'd the full 20 Conning Rogue arise? Dunno if selling flowers justifies it.
- Why... and how were her children suddenly murdered? How did this affect her?

Just backstory stuff. Rest's all solid. Patch these in and I'll approve the app.
 
OkaDoka said:
Okay, so.

- Your character is an Isldar. Why do they worship Estel? This isn't explained.
- How'd she learn to be a Lightgiver Ritualist?
- You never explain your character's actual origins. Where are her parents from, who are these Isldar with Ailor names?
- Where and how did she learn to be an architect?
- Where'd the full 20 Conning Rogue arise? Dunno if selling flowers justifies it.
- Why... and how were her children suddenly murdered? How did this affect her?

Just backstory stuff. Rest's all solid. Patch these in and I'll approve the app.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Your changes have been made. As regards with the last point - her previous problems with alcohol rose up again as was stated. Everything else in the story has been coloured red. @OkaDoka
 
Unfortunately, more criticism.

- There aren't really full blooded Isldar in Teled Methen hanging out for no reason.
- Conning rogue edit approved.
- Altalar aren't much more accepted in Regalia than Isldar. What I'd honestly suggest you do is find a good reason for her to be in Teled Methen in the first place, and then have her do all her conversion stuff to better fit in in Teled Methen, rather than in Regalia.
- House fire edit approved.
 
It's been a while! Any interest here still?
 
Gotcha!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top Bottom