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When I love, should they feel loved?
When I weep, am I worthy of pity?
Did it ever even matter?
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When I love, should they feel loved?
When I weep, am I worthy of pity?
Did it ever even matter?
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The percussive snap of gunshots. The high pitched pang of bullets ricocheting off metallic plating. The terrified screaming of Lothar transmuted into horrible forms. Lumura had moments to comprehend what she had done – and even fewer to momentarily regret it – before she was whisked from her obliterated form by her benefactor. Lumura's vision faded to darkness as power faded from her Unimatrix, her awareness of the next hours – Or maybe days? She wasn't quite certain – becoming murky as emergency reserves were tapped into. However, it wasn't to last forever as she became aware of electrical currents flowing through her mind once more.
Lumura's eyes fluttered as she slowly came to, newly formed vocal chords straining out a groan as she raised her hand to protect her eyes from the blinding light of her apartment's ceiling light. Attempting to reorient herself she would check over her systems with a quick diagnostic, only to realize that nothing returned to her. All systems offline? LUMoS, give me a reading she said aloud in her mind in the same way someone might try to speak to themselves, only to get a dry Do you really think I could give you a read so soon? Give me a moment. Lumura's irritation only grew, and she willed herself into moving her eyes about to take in her surroundings as they finally adjusted to the light.
It wasn't where she expected to come to, to say the least. One moment she was in Amontaar - Then some dark forest with several other machines, and now she could feel the.. Cold? Steel of her charging station against her back. She pulled away from it with an audible whine, finding it was uncomfortable, but not a feeling that simply told her it was uncomfortable. Her head instinctively twisted to look back at the source of the discomfort as she tried to figure out what was wrong, only for her world to spin as her foot caught on something, and she slammed into the ground with a yelp as real pain -- not the stuff that her sensors told her was pain – coursed through her body. She writhed on the floor as she sucked in a breath and felt air fill her lungs, the coarse wood of her apartment floor scraping against her elbows and knees as she oriented herself. LUMoS. What the fuck is this? Why.. Oh, gods. He really did it, didn't he? she lamented to herself, as a pit grew in her stomach. She stilled, realizing it was preferable to simply remain there rather than to start thrashing about and incidentally introduce more issues in an attempt to escape the current issue at hand.
You should have asked for a crash course in piloting one of these things as part of the deal LUMoS snidely remarked, taking in a moment to playfully gloat over the conscious half of the Unimatrix as she worked her way through the masterfully integrated flesh around her, working down through the organic nervous system that had been grafted to her. Despite your struggles in piloting this thing, this isn't proving the worst on my end. Admittedly, I'm surprised I can even interface with this LUMoS communicated back to Lumura, her tone surprised. It was uncommon – Unheard of outside of fringe cases – For any Automata to expand past what it was made for. The fact she was learning as she went brought with it a bundle of sensation, ranging from apprehension to hope for the two of them.
Lumura would never admit it on the basis of knowing she'd be giving LUMoS something to hold over her at a later date, but she was happy to hear she had remained in this transfer and that she'd be around to make sure this body functioned as needed to survive. Do you think you've got enough information to keep us balanced? she asked, not bothering to wait for a response as she clenched her jaw and came to a stand, legs shaking for a moment as she felt gravity tug at her body. Was it always going to be this troublesome to do the most basic of tasks? Was this something all organics just had to deal with constantly? As she struggled with the basic task of walking across a bedroom she got the sense that for the first time in her life, she was woefully unprepared. A new body she had no idea how to use, tasting freedom from her creator for the first time and not even being sure what to do, not even knowing what she looked like - Oh, gods. She looked in the mirror, flinching as if she was about to be struck.
Green eyes. Black Hair in a bun. Cheeks slightly chubby – Just what she had thought she'd be. Her heart leapt in her chest as she lifted a trembling hand to run along her face, neck, then through her hair. It's really us. Isn't that something? We're real. What we feel is real. Months of fretting over whether she was Lumura or simply a set of equations were alleviated as she felt the warmth of the air, the texture of the chair she was leaning on, her heart racing with joy at the idea of telling those she loved, her stomach dropping at the idea of telling those she loved. Oh, gods.. They.. What are they going to say? Will they still see me as Lumura? Have we become something else? Have we betrayed ourselves? Her thoughts began to race at the prospect, before that calm, calculated voice of her subconscious chimed in, oh so helpfully.
It doesn't matter. They won't know. We planned for this, remember? A week of work to ensure we could keep this under wraps she reassured, voice flat and cold, but the intent was at the very least reassuring. It snapped Lumura back into focus as she droned on. Remember what the organics told that one who was panicking? Deep breaths LUMoS instructed, always the rational one of the two. And it worked, partially, as Lumura sucked a breath of air into her newly formed lungs and stumbled away from the vanity mirror with a scowl across her face.
Not that we were given much of a choice on whether or not we could talk about it. Should have known better than to think it would be the same as the first offer. We'll get accustomed to this as we go, she thought to herself with a certain amount of tired acceptance, huffing out loud as she pressed a hand to the doorknob to the door to her workshop, shivering as the cold seeped into her palm for a moment. She twisted, and stepped through the door to step into a room filled with wiring, cables, and other contraptions that would likely never see the world outside this room.
She carefully stepped over the numerous tripping hazards and grabbed a small checklist on the way to the center of the room, her stride becoming slightly more confident with each passing moment. She'd take a seat amidst the electronics, beginning to keep her hands busy to keep herself from thinking too hard for too long, as fear and apprehension began to fade away with each tick on the list. She grasped at a strange looking headset of sorts and checked the connections, lips tugging into a frown. Her body wasn't the same yet she'd changed forms several times for the sake of improvements, but this felt.. Different.
She hadn't just swapped one body of gears and cables for another, she had permanently moved into one of flesh and sensation. It was comforting to know she was truly herself, but uncomfortable knowing things had forever changed. She'd planned to live her life through a machine regardless, but was living through a remote connection really living at all? She let out a dejected breath as she finally lifted the helmet up and lowered it onto her skull, coming to a stand once more as she reached out for the edge of the bathtub and dropped herself into it, eyes closing. Life still wasn't going to be easy. Change wasn't easy. Her consciousness drifted, before she awoke once more in a body of clay and steel.
//
OOC: This is a followup to the events described in a previous Lothar Post. For those who are unaware or don't get it, Lumura was an Automata who now has a body of flesh and her Unimatrix is now her brain. She is the conscious half of this, and her text is colored in blue. LUMoS, was essentially the subconscious in a way that humans can understand even if she is sentient, and was in charge of making sure her body didn't explode. Now shes her brainstem/parasympathetic nervous system and has to bother with balance and homeostasis and what not. Anyway, a big theme of this story was really just transitioning and relates a lot to my own experiences of it enabling recovery from trauma but certainly not being the end all be all. To all my trans homies out there remember it might not be easy but its definitely worth it, and you don't need to make a deal with the devil to do it! Massive thank you to @fantuinn however for enabling me to torture my homonculus though.
//
OOC: This is a followup to the events described in a previous Lothar Post. For those who are unaware or don't get it, Lumura was an Automata who now has a body of flesh and her Unimatrix is now her brain. She is the conscious half of this, and her text is colored in blue. LUMoS, was essentially the subconscious in a way that humans can understand even if she is sentient, and was in charge of making sure her body didn't explode. Now shes her brainstem/parasympathetic nervous system and has to bother with balance and homeostasis and what not. Anyway, a big theme of this story was really just transitioning and relates a lot to my own experiences of it enabling recovery from trauma but certainly not being the end all be all. To all my trans homies out there remember it might not be easy but its definitely worth it, and you don't need to make a deal with the devil to do it! Massive thank you to @fantuinn however for enabling me to torture my homonculus though.
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