Basic Information Full Real Name: Kytil James Seren Aliases: Dalrak Myrsta, Cy Jellal, Zaide Dalsian Age: 105 Born October 31st, 202 AC Gender: Male Race: Kathar - Crimson Witch Sexuality: Bisexual Prefers males more than women. Preferred Weapon: Magic (Void Ritualism) Skill Information Total Points: 60 Unarmed: 5 points +5 Physical Stat points Void Ritualism: 8 points Taught by parents. Blades Skill: 10 points. Self-taught how to wield shortswords, longswords, and bastardswords over the course of ten years. +10 Physical Stat points. Athletics Training: 20 pts To help aid in his evasion tactics, Kytil kept himself agile to where he can navigate rough terrain and even dodge obstacles with ease. +10 Physical Stat points. Bodycare Training: 2 pts He at least knew how to keep himself clean. Stealth Rogue Skill: 10 pts Had to teach himself how to keep himself hidden from his foes. Financial Case Skill: 5 pts Using survival tactics wasn’t enough as he had to teach himself on trying to keep a hold on his money that he’d swipe or loot from his victims. Theatre Arts: 10 Pts (Used to primarily bullshit his way out of stuff, Hobby Points) Body Shape Total Physical Stat points: 25 Body Build: Muscular Body Fat: Average Languages Kathar Elven Dialect Native Tongue (10/10) Common Tongue Free Language [Learned over time] (10/10) She’llaq Ritualistic Language (10/10) Special Traits/Spells/Mutations Vampiric Mutation: Abyssal Stride Vampiric Mutation: Abyssal Vision Vampiric Mutation: Abyssal Dance Vampiric Mutation: Abyssal Aging Vampiric Mutation: Abyssal Sworn Visual Information Eye Color: Crimson Red Hair Color: Silver White Hair Style: long, braided Skin Color: Light Gray Clothing: black (with purple trim) tunic Black trousers Hunting boots Mage Robes (Black with purple trim with runic/void scripture woven into the fabric) Height: 6’ 5” Inventory: 30-50 Regals (in a pouch) Personality and Abilities Option Two: The Core List Alignment Chaotic Evil “Evil? Well, I wouldn’t consider myself evil in that way. Merely broken beyond repair, but if you wish to consider me evil then go right on ahead. It all is meaningless to me.” Personality Architect “The one fear anyone has is the fear of losing control. For me, I can adapt.” Religion Void Worship (10/10) Life Story “You think the darkness gave you salvation? You believe that you are loved by the darkness? No, you are not for I suffered the wrath of the Void and lived to tell the tale. I emerged war-torn and battle hardened with the knowledge and skills of a survivalist. My parents taught me what it means to run free of the restrictions and the Void gifted me with the abilities that those who consider themselves truly devout can harness. I am Kytil James Seren and I’m what it means to be a demon of the Void.” ~Humble Beginnings~ There comes a time that one must reflect on the damage done. As a child growing up in the Dread Empire, I pushed limits. I did not care for peace nor war, but my parents certainly knew I was a demon-a man possessed by determination and sheer will to dominate. This takes place from 202 AC to 240 AC Kytil James Seren was born on October 31st, 202 AC (All Hallow’s Eve) to Xaratan and Alex Seren. He was tormented by his peers and parents for thirty years where it started at the age of 8. Knowing little else of what to do, his anger consumed the 38 year old Crimson Witch and helped to shape him in a psychopathic sociopath. This is where he killed his parents and sent a clear message to the rest of his tormentors that he would rain death upon them. The tormenting ceased with this message. ~Before the Fracture~ This part of his life story takes place from 240 AC to 302 AC. From the time of killing his parents and siblings who grew accustomed to tormenting their older brother to before moving to Regalia, he began to teach himself skills to harness his rage which ranged from stealth to mastering the blade and agility. While he hid away from any potential bounty hunters or guards within the Dread Empire for the vile murders of his parents and siblings, he made sure that he kept honing his skills while hunting for food. He also wasn’t afraid to engage in some acts of cannibalism for pure survival. By the time he had arrived in Regalia, he had committed several acts of cannibalism. All of them Kathar. Overall, he stayed in the Dread Empire for most of his life until five years ago where he did move to Regalia to avoid being caught. ~After the Fracture (Current Time)~ This part takes place between 302 AC to the present day. Five years ago, Kytil hid away on a ship going towards Regalia. With his stealth abilities, it was hard for some people to notice him, but mostly they all just didn’t care. While the ship sailed, he would find some knowledge on budgeting and basic finance skills in the ship’s library. He stowed away on a ship that only had books as cargo. He would have looted the books and took them with him, studying every piece of information he could about finances over the course of time. He would have hid himself deep within the sewers for the last five years. On December 11th, 307 AC, he would have lost his left hand to a Url and now seeks to get a clockwork hand made.
Bumped to the first page due to being in the third page. Also, due to confusion on the new proficiency system with the addition of Hobby Points, I will not be using them to add into any currently known Proficiencies at this time. Thank you.
Alright. Please feel free to notify me of anything wrong with the application. Trust me when I say it took a fair bit of time to come up with.
Okay we're going to jump into the review, there are a few major points that need to be rectified. Any edits to the information on the sheet should be made in Dark Blue. @KytilSeren Duplication; Kytil James Seren, Xayn Baleck & Andreas Flynn Myrslin, are all carbon copies of each other with very very minor differences all around. Ultimately, they're all within 10 years age of each other, they are all mutated, they're all vampires, and they're all Kathar. They all have over 40 bodystat, they're all ritualists, they all have magical knowledge and some form of formal battle school knowledge. Now, from what I understand, the two other characters were rejected because you killed them off after they were caught by the guards. It appears as though you've created character after character, killing off the last one once they're captured by the guards. This doesn't sit well; namely, because it.... ... Invalidates everything the guards do and makes them feel bad when your character somehow dies in their care or afterwards. ... Because it appears as if this Kathar clone is entirely geared for fighting and nothing else, maximized entirely for combat when there is a whole HOST of interesting cultural, artistic and utility like Lore you can absorb into your roleplay instead. ... Because creating the same character, again and again, doesn't seem to be working if you are wanting to kill them off each time. The average character lives for /months/, going through heaps and heaps of character development which makes you enjoy the roleplay a WHOLE HEAP MORE. Genuinely! You're missing out on the best part of it all! For the above reasons, I want you to do the following. 10 of your Blades Skill, and 5 of your unarmed needs to go, I would like you to sink that into: Criminal Prof, Study Prof, Knowledge Prof, Science Prof or Arts Prof. You've mentioned Greatswords in your Blades Skill proficiency. Remove that, those are heavy weapons, and he doesn't have any heavy weapons proficiency points. Remove all mention of this Battleschool. It's a thing you've got in all of them, and frankly its boring. I know that you are more creative than that, and can create a reason for why he's good with weapons and fighting. Remove your Threlwar mutations. Now this isn't to say you can't have them, but rather than immediately having them, you need to go out and find someone to add them for you. Create a roleplay connection with another character, and hold some kind of trade or discussion that grants you these mutations. You can keep the ritualism you've got, but assume that your character doesn't yet know how to apply these to yourself. 6'7-6'10? Your chars are all obscenely tall when you create them. Bump them down a few inches. Life story: You've got a creative presentation of your life story. However, what's presented aren't exactly facts, and the approval process is about approving facts that your char has definitely done. As such, I want you to spoiler away the whole life story, and write up and present in a clear and concise manner, what your character has accomplished and experienced in the 105 years that they have been alive in third person. That is to say, from an ooc perspective. There are a lot of edits here that I need you to do; so for the purposes of this, I want to clarify and reassure that I don't want you to feel disheartened. We will approve the character once the edits are carried out and we have a balanced healthy character that you can create some proper meaningful roleplay out of.
@Lord_Immortal Here is the changelist (TL;DR) for the sheet: - Removed mentions of the Battleschool per instructions. I instead made him out to be a serial killer on the run which ties into the next point. - Added +10 points in the Stealth Rogue Skill and +5 in the Financial Case Skill. I have used environments to hide my character's presence, but I feel that the Stealth Skill will help to add a measure of spookiness to the character. I added in Financial Skill with a +5 as I needed a character who can understand basic budgeting skills. May prove useful in some cases. - Reworked Life Story into bullet points that describe notable events in his life while also trying to keep it concise and to the point. I have also added in specific timeframes that help to understand the progression of the character prior to start of Roleplay. - Removed Threlwar Mutations per instructions. I feel that while yes my character learned Void Ritualism (quite brutally I might add!), I do agree that someone adding the mutations onto him may be of use for character development. - Removed Greatswords from the list of swords he can wield. I thought two-handed weapons would have added some nice development, but with your pointers, I see that it was redundant. - Made him five inches shorter than originally presented. Following your pointers, I decided to make him five inches shorter than the original plan. I will be reworking his full life story on the Google Document that I have prepared for him. If there are any more changes that are required, feel free to notify me! -KytilSeren
I'm really impressed with how you've responded to the review so far. So my last couple edits are super simple and short; You've got 10 Hobby proficiency points you can apply to any of the Art proficiencies. This is a relatively new addition to the system. It essentially means you can add 10 points in Dancing or Theatre or Literary Arts etc. Clothing; Jeans aren't really a thing in this time period, so just changing that to trousers etc. Tag me when you're finished! @KytilSeren
@Lord_Immortal Edited the following: - Added in 10 Theatre Arts. Used primarily to lie/bullshit his way out of stuff. - Edited "Jeans" to "Trousers".
Please edit the app to include current Crimson Witch abilities, not those from the test page. https://wiki.massivecraft.com/Vampirism#Crimson_Witches @KytilSeren
@Lord_Immortal Made the following changes: -Changed ALL Unreleased mutations to Red for inactive until release. -Added ALL mutations under Green for active abilities.
