In his dreams, he still had his right arm. Some would say that he is a good man, that there is kindness in his heart, but he himself knew that he would kill another thousands of innocents and even children, if the deal was getting his hand back. Whenever he dreamed, he would see the same thing and be faced with the same kinds of questions. His internalized conflicts would materialize, and lash at him in a futile attempt to shake him to his core, and bring him the reality check that he had seemingly blinded himself to. He would often wake up in the middle of the night, if he had managed to sleep at all, and after a brief scourge of phantom pains, he would remember his handicap, his shameful disability, and in order to survive the night, he would often have to resort to opium and cloud his mind.
Rodrigo Peirgarten is a Knight. Or, that is what he wants himself to be. There is a shoe that needs filling, he always told himself. A Knight by definition is a protector of the people, a defender of honor and a servant of justice. But could Rodrigo truly relate himself to such a description after all the monstrosities that he committed? Can one truly be a servant of justice after having sent thousands of innocent men, women and children to their deaths? Are you really an honorable man if you have spent most of your life proving it otherwise? What does Knighthood mean, then? Is it anything more than a glorified title that is filled with empty promises unfollowed? Rodrigo Peirgarten is a Knight, but is he, truly? Rodrigo wants to be a good man. But is Rodrigo a good man, or does he just fantasize with the idea of being good? Are you truly good, if your good comes not from a kind heart, but from a selfish desire to feel better about yourself? Rodrigo was not comfortable in his own skin. He had long since childhood wanted to be a glorified Knight, to be known as a famed defender of the people, but everyone in the world knows that is not what he has been. And so, in a desperate attempt to become what he wants to be, he began to commit good deeds, thinking that even a man so far gone can be reclaimed and redeemed. But does that make him good? If your reason for committing good is to be able to say "I did something good," rather than "I did something good for this person," have you really done a good deed, or are you merely a selfish man? And so, he asked again, is Rodrigo really a good person, or does he want to feel like he is good so that he can feel better about himself?
He always justified everything he did in his mind by using the same exact words. "It's for Amelina." He would say, believing that he was doing something good despite the trail of blood that he left behind everywhere he walked. "I did it to protect her." he would say. "I did it to make her smile." "It was for the good of the family." Excuses would pile on up. In an attempt to prove everyone wrong, to prove that he is not a monster, he tried to treat everyone with kindness, regardless of race and gender. He helped those in need, and shared what little of wisdom he managed to acquire in the results of his mistakes, but still, in the end, he is only good until someone challenges the safety or happiness of his wife. Amelina Peirgarten. His love was too much for the world to bear. He liked to believe that he could truly be a man of honor, but really, the only thing he cared about was Amelina Peirgarten. He could tell himself that he is a Knight, a man of honor, but in the end, he was born ready to sacrifice everything and watch the world burn if it meant that Amelina Peirgarten is happy. He could lie to himself and convince himself that he cares for the world, but in the end, it was only Amelina Peirgarten that he was truly loyal to. And he wouldn't think twice before cutting down anything that stood in the way of his beloved wife, innocent or guilty, children or elderly. As long as the result is a smile on Amelina Peirgarten's face, anything could be justified to Rodrigo.
But he liked to believe that there was still some good in him. Sure, he could be the night, but even the night had bright sparkling stars. He didn't have to condemn himself completely. He was only human, after all. A human who could love so deeply, a human whos love could conquer everything in the world. A selfless, unconditional love. That's what it all was, in the end. He truly, wholeheartedly loved Amelina Peirgarten. And there was no length he would not go to, no sin that he would not commit, in order to ensure that his wife smiled deeply. He worshipped the brightness in her eyes. The faintest curl of the edges on her lips could paint his life in brand new colors. He lived to serve, and he lived to love, and he loved true. He could throw every question about goodness and honor aside, as long as Amelina was standing before him. Who cared if he is good or evil? "As long as I have her, I am happy." He condemned not himself but every self-questioning, every internal interrogation. He chose that it was time to stop thinking about what he was, who he was, because the answer was always right beside him, sleeping in his arms. That is what Rodrigo Peirgarten was, after all. Just like his Knightly title had said.
The Knight of the Faithful Heart.
Rodrigo Peirgarten is a Knight. Or, that is what he wants himself to be. There is a shoe that needs filling, he always told himself. A Knight by definition is a protector of the people, a defender of honor and a servant of justice. But could Rodrigo truly relate himself to such a description after all the monstrosities that he committed? Can one truly be a servant of justice after having sent thousands of innocent men, women and children to their deaths? Are you really an honorable man if you have spent most of your life proving it otherwise? What does Knighthood mean, then? Is it anything more than a glorified title that is filled with empty promises unfollowed? Rodrigo Peirgarten is a Knight, but is he, truly? Rodrigo wants to be a good man. But is Rodrigo a good man, or does he just fantasize with the idea of being good? Are you truly good, if your good comes not from a kind heart, but from a selfish desire to feel better about yourself? Rodrigo was not comfortable in his own skin. He had long since childhood wanted to be a glorified Knight, to be known as a famed defender of the people, but everyone in the world knows that is not what he has been. And so, in a desperate attempt to become what he wants to be, he began to commit good deeds, thinking that even a man so far gone can be reclaimed and redeemed. But does that make him good? If your reason for committing good is to be able to say "I did something good," rather than "I did something good for this person," have you really done a good deed, or are you merely a selfish man? And so, he asked again, is Rodrigo really a good person, or does he want to feel like he is good so that he can feel better about himself?
He always justified everything he did in his mind by using the same exact words. "It's for Amelina." He would say, believing that he was doing something good despite the trail of blood that he left behind everywhere he walked. "I did it to protect her." he would say. "I did it to make her smile." "It was for the good of the family." Excuses would pile on up. In an attempt to prove everyone wrong, to prove that he is not a monster, he tried to treat everyone with kindness, regardless of race and gender. He helped those in need, and shared what little of wisdom he managed to acquire in the results of his mistakes, but still, in the end, he is only good until someone challenges the safety or happiness of his wife. Amelina Peirgarten. His love was too much for the world to bear. He liked to believe that he could truly be a man of honor, but really, the only thing he cared about was Amelina Peirgarten. He could tell himself that he is a Knight, a man of honor, but in the end, he was born ready to sacrifice everything and watch the world burn if it meant that Amelina Peirgarten is happy. He could lie to himself and convince himself that he cares for the world, but in the end, it was only Amelina Peirgarten that he was truly loyal to. And he wouldn't think twice before cutting down anything that stood in the way of his beloved wife, innocent or guilty, children or elderly. As long as the result is a smile on Amelina Peirgarten's face, anything could be justified to Rodrigo.
But he liked to believe that there was still some good in him. Sure, he could be the night, but even the night had bright sparkling stars. He didn't have to condemn himself completely. He was only human, after all. A human who could love so deeply, a human whos love could conquer everything in the world. A selfless, unconditional love. That's what it all was, in the end. He truly, wholeheartedly loved Amelina Peirgarten. And there was no length he would not go to, no sin that he would not commit, in order to ensure that his wife smiled deeply. He worshipped the brightness in her eyes. The faintest curl of the edges on her lips could paint his life in brand new colors. He lived to serve, and he lived to love, and he loved true. He could throw every question about goodness and honor aside, as long as Amelina was standing before him. Who cared if he is good or evil? "As long as I have her, I am happy." He condemned not himself but every self-questioning, every internal interrogation. He chose that it was time to stop thinking about what he was, who he was, because the answer was always right beside him, sleeping in his arms. That is what Rodrigo Peirgarten was, after all. Just like his Knightly title had said.
The Knight of the Faithful Heart.
