Benjamin Syldove "Keep trying and never give up" Basic Information Full Name: Benji Benjamin Syldove (Old Name) Age: 55 Gender: Male Race: Url (ex-New Regalian Ailor) Sexuality: Heterosexual Preferred Weapon: His Fists or Steel Knuckles Proficiency Points +30 Unarmed Combat (+20 From Points, +10 From Race) +20 Marshal Knowledge (+10 From Culture, +10 From Points) +20 Hunting Knowledge (+20 From Race) +15 Front-Line Combat (+15 From Points) +10 Athletic Training (+10 From Points) Languages: Common (10/10) Oortaal (10/10) Alt-Regalian (10/10) Body Stat: 15 Combat Skills + 40 (20 Unarmed Combat x 2) + 20 (10 Athletic Training x 2) = 75 Body Build: Musclegod Body Fat: Low Body Fat Visual InformationEye Color: Dark gray sclera with orange iris Hair Color: Black Hair Style: Short Skin Color: Dirty White Clothing: Black & White Clothes as well as a Leather Jacket & Leather Boots Height: 7 foot 0 inches Personality and Abilities Benjamin normal doesn't show fear to anyone around him, just letting it boil into his hate against whatever he fears. When he does show fear, his eyes will go wide as he'd stand in defense instantly after seeing his fear. Sweat would pour from his face as he just swallows his fear right down his throat. The Url will tend to give a puff from his nose, kind of something like an animal would do if they were angry or stressed. It helps show his emotions at that moment, but knowing that it could change quite easily. When happy, Benjamin would tend to give an Url grin while also having a neutral expression amongst his face. He does try to smile, though it does kind of look stupid-looking due to his facial structure is that of a horned Dire Wolf. Once apart of a Violet Order Charter a couple times, he respects the law completely. He understands that it can be a bit rough with being a Guard, but it turns out well at the end of the day. As a once proud Alior, he accepted all besides that of the Kathar. He has truly seen their horrors along the front lines as a Front-Line Commander for House Norreck. Other races he trusts to a point. Benjamin is a truly strong Unionist, knowing that he is lesser then Alior but at the same level as some of the other races besides Kathar. His time as an Alior have proven him to be kind of downing against the races around him. The Url doesn't really mind magic, but not the greatest fan of it due to the amount of trouble it can cause for himself and others around him. He understands that it's too dangerous for most people to have access too. He is extremely close to his family, being quite over protective due to the fact of him losing his old parents long ago. He has known that they won't live forever, so he does what he can to keep his family safe. The biggest insecurity is losing his family and friends without him being able to help. Always making him upset and jittery when just thinking about such an idea. Benjamin is always proud of who he is, knowing that his strong body comes from the Oorl Worm. He thanks the Spirit for such power, but knows that he won't be able to go into the Everwatch. He looks forward to seeing the sun, standing by his fiancé and his soon-to-be child or children. He wants to be there for them, to watch them grow up into something big beyond them. Benjamin just wants to see them happy, just like he is with the thought of it. Benjamin's biggest fear is losing his fiancé and children to the Kathar, not wanting to see them die before he could grow old and pass on some day. Life Story Benjamin grew up in a quite wealthy family, one that stood out in the crowd. Over time, he began to love the looks and sounds of money since his father brought a large amount of money as a blacksmith as well as a local doctor of sorts. Benjamin loved his Kathar friends like they were his family, since his parents were busy most of the day with work at the forge and at home with counting the family money, always hearing the sounds of money being dropped onto the table. When Benjamin and his friends went to a large event, their parents were murdered in cold blood, (well since blood his warm you could say warm blood, but that's something else for another time). When the guards arrived onto the scene, they did everything they could. He knows that it wasn't enough, he felt that they could done just a little more to where they found the gang. But he knows now that they have gotten away from the law and Benjamin hates them for it. No justice was served, nobody was put on trial, nobody was founded guilty. When Benjamin turned 10 years old, with the power of his family wealth, he decided to go too the School of Marshalry to learn how to fight with brains and brawns onto the side. After graduating from the School's teachings at 20 years old, Benjamin continued to train himself to his limits and destroy the corruption within himself. Slowly collecting all of his parent’s things, he decided to reunite with his friends when he got older. At the age of 55, returned to the city of Regalia to be with his new family. A family that is ready to fight for what is right so others can keep on living. That could maybe, just maybe others may have another chance at life so they can spread the good of this world. Sadly, that didn't work out. After returning to the School, he decided to let him help teach even with his new disability. His mind is fully healed after he remembered his wrong doings. Now, he has decided to return to the Holy City of Regalia to see what his old friends are up to. He hopes that he could use his new teachings to help teach new students in Regalia and maybe do something else with his life, who knows? After returning to Regalia, he visited an old friend by the name of Shirina Davenport. When he visited her, he felt a strong and forgotten connection. After leaving for the night, he found a shop that could replace his broken wooden hand where he found out that he could become a Url to regrow his hand. Which he took the chance and become that of a Beast, where he accepted the worm and now is a Url. After many months of continued work towards anyone he could, he decided to change his name in order to keep his past away from him. He changed back to his name of Syldove to expand his House with more adopted members of the family. He had become a true Patriarch of House Syldove, but is now working with his Url Throng to help create a powerful place where all Urls are welcomed.
Peer review! A good idea is to label above each section, i.g. "Basic Information" for above the first half, "Points" for the second "Personalities and Abilities for the next and so on! You are currently missing the "Life Story" Section of your sheet, which you can add a simple age section. For example: |0-6| and then keep moving up by 6 years each time. A good idea could be to go check out other Character Applications a check out how they either have it formatted or how they typed up theirs!
Going to see if I can pump out a peer review before Ailethi points out more stuff! Let's go! Race: What culture of Ailor is he? Having a culture adds more depth to your character, and effects his proficiency points. Cultures Sexuality: Heterosexual. Cultural points: Why is Ben proficient with Smithing? Please include this in your life story. Languages: Please include in the life story how Ben knows Elven. No reason I see for him to know it with what you've provided. Especially having a complete knowledge of the language. Skin color: Please provide a better descriptor here. "White" simply put is bland, and offers no insight to the skin tone. I am imagining he is literally the color of a sheet of paper. Hair color/ Eye color/ Height: This combination is not super common, and that height is only achievable by few cultures. I am assuming he is Velheim Ailor? But that is for you to decide. Please make sure all of these factors are compliant with what you choose. First paragraph: Keep in mind this is entirely his appearance on first encounter. Describe how he comes across, and what sort of things people may hear about him. While three sentences are reached, they are rather short. Try to add another one or two. Also bold all character terms. Second paragraph: Here you touch on morality more than you do confidences/ insecurities. Please detail things Ben is nervous/ insecure about, and why is he insecure about these things. Third paragraph: Mentioned Ben being 'strange' around others should really be in the first paragraph, and further explained how he is strange. Personally I think people that put extra tomato sauce on pizza is strange. Elaboration is good. Remember this is just how he is with his friends/family/lovers. You only detail how he is with family, and by extend with your wording, family. Try to detail how his mentality and personality changes with friends rather than just going 'he doesn't steal from friends.' Fourth paragraph: You mention he is evil but not corrupt? If someone is evil they would most likely be considered corrupt. Further, a morality does not often change, as that is your internal decision of what is right and wrong. What does Ben consider 'corrupt', as with his personality, morality, and mentality it seems his idea of corruption may differ from the norm. Especially with his bias backstory. Life Story: Where was he born? Day/Month/Year of birth? Who were his parents? I would love to see far more detail in this. Currently your life story is minimal and less than impressive. Try to flesh out your work a bit more, adding more detailing. Why would he be devastated from the loss of parents who seemingly were never even there? Wealth is not a power. Turall are the dirtiest fighters there are, wrong school for clean fighting. Overall, this is a rather decent app. I love all that was put into it. I would like to point out I do not mean spite with what I type, but I am rather blunt. Have a great day!
Here's my review. Make a bigger distinction between the personality paragraphs and the life story. You've deleted the headings. Bold personality traits in the first personality paragraph. If he's chill about people being themselves, why does he rob them of everything they own if they get on his bad side? While I commend you for steering away of the Common "good" or "evil" mentality, I have to ask that you make his morality a little less pliable to his desires. Roleplay becomes more interesting and fun when characters face decisions that go against their morals, so for him to be able to change that on a dime gets rid of the possibility of you ever experiencing that scenario. Since the guard charters on this server are player-run, you cannot have your character's parents be murdered by them if it did not actually happen IG. It places blame on the guard commanders (which are players) for not actually keeping their NPC guards in order because of an event that did not actually happen. I do see what you are trying to achieve, though, and here are some good alternatives: Ben could have tried to steal something and got caught by the guards, thus feeling vindictive toward them. His parents were murdered by a gang and he is not satisfied with the judgment that the guards carried out. He does not agree with some of the Commanders' political decisions. Expand on the life story just a little bit. Make the edits in red and tag me when you're done.
A suggestion! (Even though it may not be accepted) Putting your characters background into bullet points can help you decide what you want to expand upon and what you want to leave as a simple sentence. For example if you wanted to talk about a school you could do; At this age, (insert name) attended the school of (insert name) where he/she focused on their studies rather than making friends and long term relationships. And if you wanted to expand on that you simply could add in what they learned or gained from their time there. Experience, morals, wisdom, etc. Once more, this is only my suggestion!
Everything looks good, but that one point about the guards still forces incompetence onto the charter. You have to make it so that they followed protocol and did what they could, but your character still thought it wasn't enough.
@Aespair I've decided to use Benjamin again with a somewhat fresh start, since he has aged up by a year I have added the points needed and I've done all the updates in Red. Now it requires a re-review.
@Caelamus Hey do you think you could recheck? I decided to change his background a bit and to the point where he'd become a Lion Pelt.
adjust to new language rules, for example only common and plus one cultural language may be known unless the character has two parents from differing cultures, oortal is fine to keep.
@Caelamus I transformed him into a Vladno Alior for what he was before his turn, he went to the School of Feer-Drakken for a time, and then become a masterful blacksmith.
@Caelamus Edited Benji's app to where he has gone to the School of Graklak and Adjusted his points around for more Unarmed and no Extra Heavy.
Elaborate more on his personal fears, this can also be abstract things and how he deals with it internally!
