An Open Letter Concerning My Own Weakness

[Shrykos]

Dear Massivecraft,

I'd like to begin by expressing my gratitude towards everyone who plays the server. I'm grateful I had a chance to be a part of such a lively community. I wish to connect with the community, but I refuse to do so without first coming clean with everyone, myself included.

Backstory​

Allow me to start off with a bit of backstory. I first joined the server years ago, in the times of Silverwind. In several month's time, I'd been through numerous factions already, never really able to settle down. I would contemplate long and hard about this, and decided to take a break. I'm not sure how long of a break it was, but when I came back, the Imperial Capital of Regalia had been introduced as the new center of roleplay activity. And so I decided to take a peek into the community. This led to the creation of a few characters, and my continued inability to settle down. So I decided I'd try factions again, this time raising the silver required to make my own. Though, this only led to a realization of my own ineptitude to provide leadership.

And so, a new chapter in my story began. I decided that if I was to be a contributing member of the community, my typical personality just wouldn't do. This led to the decision to make a new account, as this was a time before username changes. Under this new alias I managed to settle with a faction, who seemed rather fond of my newly adopted persona. This went on for quite some time, until I decided that the burden of disguise was too much for me to handle, leading me to revert to my old account, playing it off as a long absence. Following this, I decided to join a faction geared towards PvP. This faction led me to joining a larger faction, which resulted in my first encounter with a truly passionate leader. I had talked to him on Skype numerous times, and to his affiliates on Teamspeak. Looking back on it, I recognize that as my first true experience with mentorship.

Weakness in Leadership​

I'd learned many lessons from my time on Massivecraft, most prevalent being my own inability to lead.
I've tried making factions on numerous occasions, each time resulting in my downfall. I've since learned to identify as a follower, rather than a leader, or even an aspiring leader. Despite this acceptance, I remain unable to properly participate in the community. As of now, I can honestly attribute my inability to affiliate with the community to my lack of direction. Though this statement has many possible counterarguments, I feel that the lack of mentorship has been one of my greatest weaknesses. As a result of this, I remain weak, and most likely will for a long time. Though, I may be able to find strength in knowing my weaknesses.

My Love for Massivecraft​

This server is a charming thing, if I'm honest. Even if I'm unable to properly interact with the community. My time on this server has been a learning experience, if not anything else, and I value these teachings greatly. Though, I don't feel like I've given the server anything in return. I've tried applying for Staff, in an undying desire to contribute. After all, I can't seem to think of any other way to give back. This aspiration still holds true in my heart, but I've since realized that I am nowhere near an adequate candidate for Staff, especially considering my lack of direction.

Desire for Acceptance​

Long have I dreamed of starting anew, with all of this behind me. But the world is unforgiving. This would be impossible, considering the amount of individuals I've interacted with. Most prevalent among the interactions I wish never happened, or at the very least hadn't gone the way they had, are those I've had with the Staff. If there's one thing I'd change about my time on this server, it'd be the immaturity pronounced in my interactions. General Chat is one such example of my regrets. Oftentimes, I'd send messages that I've since come to regret. These childish statements by myself were, in my mind at least, tearing away at any chance I had at a good reputation on this server. This has since provoked a desire for a second chance at making an impression. This desire has remained in my mind a long time, and may even persist to this day.

A Long-Due Apology​

Even if it is impossible to start anew, apologies can go a long way. So I'd like to express my firsthand apologies, even if you've never interacted with me. And should the occasion arise that a Staff member is reading this, my sincerest apologies to you.

- Shrykos​

 

[MonMarty]

I don't uh. Remember what you supposedly did wrong. Am I supposed to feel angry or disappointed?

 

[Shrykos]

I don't uh. Remember what you supposedly did wrong. Am I supposed to feel angry or disappointed?

Click to shrink...

Ah, apologies for the confusion. There's a few individuals I meant my remarks about the Staff on, but I'd prefer not to name them on an open thread.

 

[MonMarty]

Ah, apologies for the confusion. There's a few individuals I meant my remarks about the Staff on, but I'd prefer not to name them on an open thread.

Click to shrink...

I mean. I guess. But I can't remember whatever you supposedly did wrong, which likely means the other parties don't either.

 

[Shrykos]

I mean. I guess. But I can't remember whatever you supposedly did wrong, which likely means the other parties don't either.

Click to shrink...

I've had a few unpleasant interactions with a few individuals on Staff, and have been spoken to on numerous occasions for breaking public chat rules, which leads me to hold the belief that I have something of a reputation for immaturity and rule breaking.

 

[Gabauchi]

you want advice on change? it's in your hands. a reputation is a difficult thing to offset, but even stone can be changed with enough force. if you really want to see change, then bring it about yourself. if it helps, you probably didn't interact with the same people on a consistent basis, so they don't remember you, meaning that this time you have the chance to bring out you. disregard any previous reputation and be the you that you're comfortable with.

 

[Legoclub22]

Admitting to your weakness makes you better than not, and stuff happens, people do/say things they regret, but just put it behind you. If you don't repeat it, people should be fine. I personally have heard nothing about you, and don't frankly care. There's always time for a seccond chance.

 

[leichendame]

Yeah I can't settle down in one place for too long it gets boring.

 

[Hiddenmonkey10]

You sound a lot like myself. Doubt was my biggest problem... Was I annoying? Did people actually like me? Stuff like that. I doubted myself at every turn and lashed out at whoever I could to try to make myself feel more important and useful.

Lately, I haven't felt that way and what really helped me was watching a few different animal shows (funny, I know).

The first of these shows was Rokka of the Six Braves (or something of that sort). If anime isn't really your thing, I'll just tell you what helped me with these shows.

With Rokka, the main character is in many regards weak, he isn't the strongest, or the fastest, and he doesn't have any special powers, but he claims himself to be the most powerful man in the world and is unshaken in his resolve to prove this.

What I gained from watching this was the realization that if I believe myself to be one way, nobody can tell me otherwise, especially if I keep working towards molding that image.

The second show that helped me is Denpa Kyoshi. This show is about a teacher who helps his students discover what they truly yearn to do and helps them pursue those goals.

These two shows brought about the questions that I needed to answer.

1. Who am I really?

For the longest time, I let other people tell me who I was and lost track of who I really was. I had to rediscover that person and learn to be comfortable in my own skin. If I was unable to be comfortable, I needed to do whatever it took to BE comfortable.

2. What do I want most out of the world?

Now that I knew who I was, I needed to figure out what I wanted. What kind of impact did I want to make? Now that I've figured that out, I've resolved to never let myself falter from my path.

Hopefully this helps you out!

 

[Legoclub22]

People with all their identity issues, man, why don't I have those? I know what I want, just not how to get it. (Or rather, my plans on getting it don't work out.)