A Drowning Cry

Spoiler: Ambience

The morning sunlight breaks through the trees above me as I slowly come to, a pained grunt leaving my lips as I push to sit upward. I'm in a park, sat in the thick of some bushes. My head pounds. I pan down to my arms and chest, finding blood soaked through my torn clothes. A few large, white strands lay beneath me, and a sore, lacerated hand moves to grasp one. I draw a deep breath as I lean back down, giving my aching body some reprieve for a moment. My eyes drift shut again.

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I still hear the bloody screams. Feel the miserable heat. See his face, right before he was ripped away. For so long, I was able to stave off the memories. But now... I close my eyes to this world, only to reawaken back there. To reawaken in hell. A vivid reminder of failure. A reminder of how small I am - of how small we all are.

"--ADURO! Fall back in line! TRISS!"

I remember each word so clearly. The first time I disobeyed Viggo. Definitely not the last. Did he see the future? See what was inevitable? I didn't care. Pride didn't care. The General wouldn't fight alone. I pressed on.

"Lass, are ya daft?! You heard the order! See the rest back! RETREAT."

Maybe if I had, this nightmare would end. Were you warning me, Eddair? Did you see the future? Maybe you knew your fate was sealed and wanted to spare me the woes of it. You should've known it was fool-hearted. You brought me for my loyalty, not my obedience. An unhindered tempest. "You're not dying here alone, old man. We're in this together," I said. I pressed on.

Then you screamed. Grasped by a monster. Taken from us.

I was powerless to stop it. Powerless to save you. My spear was shattered. My resolve faltered. That’s what you were trying to keep me from enduring. You didn’t want me to shoulder the blame. But it wouldn’t have mattered if I listened or not. Either way, you would be gone. Either way, I’d have failed. There was no winning in this hell. Every time this nightmare visits, I know the same words will come from my lips. I know they won't hold true. I know you will be taken. An unbroken loop.

Bexestaan was just the start.

It wasn’t long afterward that I joined the Violets, looking for something to escape the lingering thoughts of war. The options are limited when all you know is to fight. Viggo took it upon himself to tame my pride. Did a decent job of it, too. You remember that talk, don’t you Viggo? We stood on the path home. You put Sivrid’s life in my hands. You gave me words that kept me from breaking. But it didn’t kill what plagued me. Only buried it.

Month by month, we worked. Between Sorenvik and Violet, I found a new family. So, so much we went through. Sleepless nights led to chaotic days. I used my position to press my virtues on others, looking to save them from the wrath I knew I would deliver if they didn’t stop, only to justify it as doing what was best for them. Eloi. Ana. Erwin. So many others. So many faces shoved against the walls of Greygate's cells. More dangerous each and every time. My punches thrown harder with each visit. Their resolve grew. My anger did, too. Anger at the world. Anger at these people. Every crime they committed tested my control. It was wavering. Rage sought suppression guised in rehabilitation. I wanted them to /stop/. Not for their sake. For mine.

"You can’t decide which side remains, Triss. You love people along with their flaws, not in spite of them."

I tried to, Sivrid. I tried so hard. I wanted to love them all. And each one just broke me further and further. They left me with nothing but bitterness. Is that the reward I get? What did I do wrong? Is my Soldi so stained that I must face my penance now? Forced to relive how I treated all of them? How I treated him?

I kept letting it boil under the surface. Alduir, you got the smallest glimpse. You understood. We both fought the same thing in different ways, though I never showed you all of it, and I know you never showed it all to me. Cursed to be strong for the other, afraid to show how far gone we truly were to each other. And yet, here I am. At the bottom. Where are you, now? You haven't forgotten your promise, have you?

I hid it from everyone else. My wife. Viggo. Sivrid. How could I even begin to address what I felt inside? And when I finally tried to find a way, the time to think through that was robbed when the vampires took over. Greygate was taken. My family broken and cursed. The Sorenviks got out. My friends did not. The General was saved this time, but the army lost. How cruel to witness it the other way around. How cruel to shut the gates on your own. How cruel to watch one you love bend the bars, set on rending you through.

Each night I seek rest, and instead find agony. Hatred swelling because the world refuses to just be kind, no matter how hard I tried to beat it to conform. It's overflowing now. I can't keep it within. My mind is filled with screaming, and I can no longer tell if it's echoes from all those I've lost, or from myself. Am I even her, anymore? The girl who wanted to protect others? To make the world a truly better place?

I don't feel the warmth in those thoughts anymore. Everything is cold. Everything is numb. Rage wraps its sickly fingers around me as I fall deeper into its grasp. I want nothing more than to scream out. My breath is swallowed by a freezing lake of despair. A drowning cry is all that's left.

Help.
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Spoiler: OOC

IT'S SEASON 3 BABY

Tags for those referenced: @SupremeCripple @Farly108 @Wilvahelm @BeetrootSalad @MrsCripple @KnightAcherus

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