Preserved Sheet Viktor Vondrack

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word6

word6

Dread Guard
Joined
Mar 14, 2015
Messages
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Location
United States
Faction
Fellfyre
Basic Information
  • Victor Vondrack was born Brian Walker, a 31 year old Male Ailor.
  • Was born in Regalia and lived on a large farm with his family.
    • Alfred Walker – Died at Age 39 – Father – Deceased
    • Julie Walker – Died at Age 32 – Mother – Deceased
    • Jeff Walker – Died at Age 31 – Older Brother – Deceased
  • Currently resides in a castle in Jorrhild which belongs to his current faction: Vrykolakas.
  • His current life goal is to achieve immortality and create a superior vampire bloodline. His smaller goals are to help conquer kingdoms, eventually he wants to settle down and start a family of vampires, he used to want to hunt those responsible for his family's death but decided that letting it go was the best option to survive.
Visual Information

Body Description
  • Brian's is about 6' 5" and weighs 220 pounds. He has a body fat percentage of about 8% and the rest are well built muscles from lifting heavy weights for training and has strong abdominal muscles. His upper body is very strong and legs as well. He has broad shoulders and chest. His legs are also quite muscular but his waist and hips are his weakest features. (All weakened features and strong features were all enhanced when he turned into a vampire. He grew formed muscle.)
  • He is pale skin due to his vampirism. He wears armor which covers his body.
  • He doesn't have a lot of body hair. He has a little on his lower arms.
Head Description
  • Brian has a square/oval head giving him a masculine, broad, and calm look. He has a medium sized nose, medium ears, and fairly large, almond shaped eyes like most Ailor.
  • He as a human, had bright and honest green eyes. Even though he has an intimidating, large muscular build, his eyes give him a more welcoming and trusting look. His normal expression is calm and observant. Depending on the situation, he changes his expression. He currently has red eyes due to him being a vampire.
  • He has a black beard that is only grown out half an inch from his skin. He wavy black head of hair. His hair and beard make him look more mature and trust-worthy.
  • He has no scars or blemishes.
Clothing and Accessories
  • He wears dark armor that has black and red accents. He made this armor to match his newly found dark personality. It is made out of iron, mixed with manganese to make it stronger, more durable, it is also fixed with aluminum and steel to give it a dark grey/silver shiny like color. It has red accents and a red cape.
  • He made this armor because it makes him look fierce and a force to be feared. He finds that the armor is strong and durable and will last long.
Behavior Information

Personality Traits
  • Trustworthy: Brian can be trusted with anything from your deepest, darkest secrets, to top secret military secrets, and even a funny story that you don't want to be repeated. You can tell anything and everything to him and he'll do as you ask, as long as it does not contradict any other order/secret. Brian is trusted and loyal.
  • Honest: Brian always tries to tell the truth no matter the circumstance. If he was asked a question he would answer with the truth. Everyone who knows him or knows of him knows that he will tell the truth and not just what they want to here. This makes him a lot of friends or a lot of enemies. People could take what he says the wrong way and think that he is insulting them. This can get him on people's bad sides.
  • Confident: Brian is very confident in almost everything he does. He was taught at a young age that he can do anything as long as he put his mind to it. This inspires people around him to do anything and everything because nothing is impossible.
  • Respectful: Brian always respects those who are different. He thinks that everyone is the same on the inside even thought hey may look different. He respects his superiors and elders who may be wiser than him. Brian kind-hearted and has good intensions towards anyone who is willing to show him the same.
  • Smart: Brian knows when, what, and how to do things. He is a very bright person and learned how to read and write at a young age. He keeps challenging himself to do better and achieve greater heights and skill.
  • Hateful: If someone was to get on Brian's bad side he by hurting someone close to him, trying to harm him, or acting stupid he is not likely to forgive them. If it was on accident and you genuinely are sorry he will understand, but if you are acting without thought, you're not likely to have a long lasting friendship with him.
  • Stubborn: Brian has a hard time taking advice from people when he thinks he knows everything. He does listen to other people's points of view but he will continue to argue even if he is wrong and the evidence proves it. If he starts something he will not give up until he finishes it.
  • Brutal: Brian enjoys combat a little too much. If he isn't careful and loses self-control in a fight or battle he might harm people he doesn't mean to harm such as bystanders, innocent citizens, or the person he is fighting depending on the circumstances. He can even lash out and harm someone he cares about. He tries to remain calm at all times so he doesn't do something he will regret. This makes him both unstable and a dangerous threat to his enemies.
Likes
  • Hunting: Whether it's a human or an animal, he enjoys hunting them. He does not usually kill the human but has no problem feeding off the animals in the wilderness until their death.
  • Women: Enjoys the company of women in the tavern, bedroom, etc. He enjoys women who enjoy him either as a friend, in bed, or just someone to talk to if needed. He respects all women no matter who they are or what they look like.
  • Blood: Since he is a vampire he survives off blood. He maintains a healthy diet of blood so that his body functions at its best. Even though he enjoys it, he doesn't overindulge and doesn't lose control.
  • Books: Enjoys to read to pass the time and gain more knowledge. Since he was taught in his early life and had a schooling he reads whenever he can. He will try and get his hands on any book can find and will spend hours reading. Books calm him and let him relax.
Dislikes
  • Vampire Hunters: Even though he used to be a vampire hunter he hates them for hunting what he is now. He will protect himself against them but will not go out killing them.
  • Being Tested: Brian hates when he is being tested or taunted. He hates being challenged or his opinions being attacked. Brian's opinions and pride are very important to him and he doesn't want the tested.
  • Bandits: Bandits killed his family and Brian will kill any bandit he comes across. He thinks bandits are soulless, mindless, animals that kill for their own personal gain without any regard for the people they hurt. Brian will never forgive them.
  • Dishonesty: Brian strongly dislikes people who are dishonest. Since Brian is and honest person he thinks that anyone who lies is a coward and is too afraid to face the truth. He thinks that people should man up and take the punishment that just run from it.
Abilities and Disabilities

Strengths
  • Ability Oriented Strength (Enhanced Strength) Brian's physical strength is greatly enhanced. Due to his vampirism, he is three to four times stronger than when he was human. He displays this on several occasions, whether in combat, lifting heavy objects, or other activities that involve his strength. People don't usually go up against him due to his intimidating size and strength and also gives him an advantage while in close combat. Brian uses his strength for combat and primarily uses his bare hands but on occasion: swords. He is a skilled swordsman and learned to use a sword at a young age just like his hand-to-hand combat skills.
  • Personality Oriented Strength (Observant) Because of Brian's hope of seeing everyone in their best moods, he has a tendency of being quite observant. If anything is out of place or order, he'll usually be the first one to notice. He also has the ability of listening to several conversations at a time, perhaps not gathering all what it said, but most of the points stated, noticing whether or not the conversation is run on good or bad terms.
  • Mental Oriented Strength (Kind-Hearted) Brian dislikes seeing things or people in discomfort or stress and will do anything he can to make their situation better, either with a compliment or a little gift, not necessarily expensive, like a flower or something similar. He's quite fond of fighting though.
Weaknesses
  • Physical Oriented Weakness (Poor Stamina) Brian has poor stamina when it comes to running. Since he uses a lot of strength for powerful and strong attacks he doesn't focus on running for long distances. If he needs to run he will try to conserve energy but it won't be a lot. He will try to push himself if he needs to but it won't make a huge difference unless he is chasing someone or is running from someone/something. Brian's powerful attacks make him use energy quicker. If he is too tired he will go on the defensive and try to gain more and conserve his remaining energy.
  • Personality Oriented Weakness (Stubborn) Brian dislikes being wrong. He'll continue to argue, although he may even know he's incorrect about something. Quite full of pride, he despises it when certain things don't go his way. Specially if it has anything to do involving his comfort zone or combat. He is not always this way, he will admit being wrong after a while realizing that the argument is not important and he gets bored. He will never admit being wrong in most cases.
  • Combat Oriented Weakness (Ruthless) Brian can be ruthless in battle and can't stop when he starts most of the time. His enemies fear him, his allies don't want to argue for fear of upsetting him and him lashing out though most of the time he is trying to remain self-controlled. He has to be grabbed and calmed down at times or he will lose himself and do something he would regret.
Combat Styles
  • Brian is quite a skilled swordsman and hand-to-hand fighter. He fights very aggressively. He uses his strength and size to overwhelm his opponents, forcing them to spend much of their energy on avoiding his attacks. If they should block his attacks, they may suffer injuries. Not every attack is meant to be a lethal blow, this way, they will quickly get exhausted due to evasion while Brian plays around with their durability. Of course, Brian won't last too long in combat either, when he tires, his combat style will turn much less aggressive. He will then rely on counter blocking.
  • Skilled swordsman, uses his strength to his advantage. He trained with his brother everyday learning and gaining skill in sword combat. They trained for 15 years and eventually used their skills to hunt those who were responsible for their parents' deaths.
  • Uses a bow for long distance. When he wasn't training with a sword he used a bow and learned that accuracy was his "friend". He learned to hit anything from a still target to a fast moving one. He prefers close combat but if he needs to he will use his archery skill to his advantage.

Weapons of Choice
  • Fists/Hands: Since he is an Oggressor he no longer feels comfortable using weapons unless he has mastered them. He mauls and maims his enemies with his bear hands.
  • Sword: He uses his sword as his primary weapon. He uses his strength and size to help him with powerful and strong attacks. He prefers to use the sword in close combat.
  • Bow: He uses his bow for stealth and long ranged fights. He has trained with the bow as well as the sword and can hit a lot of targets. He uses his bow for stealth so he can stay in the shadows and be silent but deadly as well.

Relationships
Alfred Walker – Deceased – Was Viktor's father. He meant the world the world to Viktor and he shouldn't have died.

Julie Walker – Deceased – Was Viktor's mother. Was a kind mother and loved and encouraged Viktor and Jeff until she died. She shouldn't have died either.

Jeff Walker – Deceased – Was Viktor's older brother. He was Viktor's closest friend and is missed everyday. None of Viktor's family should have died.

The Executioner – Imprisoned – Killed Viktor's family and was imprisoned by the Violet Order thanks to Viktor. They were hunting The Executioner all over Regalia but never caught him.

Hanako – @ShayMjau – Whereabouts Unknown – Viktor helped her get cured. Viktor lost contact with her shortly after the cure.

Krasus Valen – @Grimvale – Whereabouts Unknown – Allied for the common good, to help vampires who could be saved and to kill those who were evil. Krasus was a friend of Brian. Viktor does not know where he currently is. Viktor last saw Krasus as he helped the guards arrest him.

Agial von Rhaegar (Lord Caiven) – @Deetrip – Alive – Lord of the faction that Viktor now belongs to and was involved in the ritual that turned Brian.


Life Story

Chapter 1 - Early Life
Brian Walker belonged to a successful middle class family. He had his mother, Julie, his father, Alfred, and his brother, Jeff. They lived in a nice house with a successful farm. Almost everyone who had farms outside of Regalia in the area knew Alfred and were friends with him.

Brian was Alfred's second son and was a happy boy who loved his family and the farm. Brian didn't do much for the first years of his life. When Brian was six he learned how to take care of the animals. When he was eight he learned how to tend to the fields and how to harvest and plant. He played with the other children from the other farms in a clearing in the woods when he wasn't helping to take care of the fields. The last time Brian played in the woods was when he was twelve. It got quite dark that night. He was walking through in the woods and saw an animal on the ground about 20 feet away. He noticed that the figure was a man. The man was tall and his skin was pale as the moon. His eyes were as red as blood. His hair was long and black as night, and he had nails and razer sharp fangs. His mouth was covered with blood. Brian can't remember much about how he managed to get home, but this would be the event that caused Brian to dislike and fear vampires, but not the one that made him hunt them.

After the vampire incident he devoted his time to farming and schooling. Brian was being tutored so he could have a good education and still be in a comfortable environment. Brian's parents were friends with a school teacher out in city who was looking for some work. She stayed in the empty guest room in the Walkers' house. Brian was very smart and learned things very quickly. He finished schooling at the age of thirteen and was ready to start farming full time. At the end of the weekdays his tutor would give him work to do so he could retain his knowledge and keep his mind working fast. He enjoyed learning, but learning soon would be the least of his concerns...

Chapter 2 - The Disaster

Brian and his family were happy, at least until the disaster struck his family not even four years after the vampire incident. He was all but fifteen years old when, one day, they were tending the fields, when a group of bandits rode up and demanded payment. When his father refused one of the men struck him down with his sword. Then, his mother, while Brian and Jeff started running for the barn. They got inside and waited. The bandits did not follow them, the leader said that their not worth the trouble and they rode off.

When they were sure the bandits were gone they ran out to their parents. Their mother was dead but their father was still breathing. Alfred's last words were, "Be strong," he then recited something. "We hunt for peace. We hunt for redemption. We hunt for our families. We hunt for freedom. We hunt to help those who can not defend themselves. We hunt for all free people. We are hunters!" He looked at Brian and Jeff and took his last breath.

The other farmers gathered for a funeral two days later and paid their respects. Brian and Jeff had the quote Alfred said engraved on his grave. Alfred and Julie were buried behind the Walker farm later that day after the funeral.

The two brothers wanted revenge so they trained almost everyday from then on to one day kill those responsible. The thing that kept bugging Brian is, why didn't they kill him and his brother? Why were they spared? What did his father recite before taking his last breath? Why did he say that? It seemed that the bandits' quarrel was with their parents or there is something bigger in play here...

Chapter 3 - Adulthood
Ten years later...

Brian and Jeff were two strong, tall, and bright young men. Jeff being 31, Brian being 25, the bandit leader, a man called the Executioner, asking everyone, even some of the bandits from that day who were just following along so their friends and families could be protected. He caught wind of this and so he found Brian and Jeff before they found him. He got inside their room at a local inn and killed Jeff with a quick stab to the heart but was wounded when attempting to kill Brian.

Brian was beyond angry because he had just lost the only family he had left. Trying to save his brother, he went to mages for help but to no avail. He went back to the family farm and buried his brother next to his parents. For the next year years he would plan for his vengeance...

Chapter 4 - Revenge
Five year later...

Brian had trained and prepared for his attack. Brian went to the Executioner's farm and knocked him out. Brian let the Executioner's family live. He told them to leave and never look back. After the family was gone he tide the Executioner up and beat him for answers. The Executioner told him that he was hired by an anonymous person who was willing to pay 100 Regals for the job.

After Brian got the information he sent a letter to the guards of Regalia and they soon arrived to the home and arrested the Executioner. They also tried to get leads on the vigilante but Brian had already disappeared...

Chapter 5 - Betrayed

Now with the Executioner in prison, Brian decided to spend his time hunting those who killed his family to honor his mother, father, and especially his brother. As he hunted he got more leads on who was involved in the slaughter of his family. His findings became a list that grew longer each day. Eventually, some names stood out more than others. These people were vampires. These vampires were soon put down but more arose and the list eventually consisted of more vampires than any other creature or race. He vowed that he would hunt down vampires with evil intentions from then on...

Chapter 6 - The Vampire

Since he hunted vampires he looked for them all over the city. One day he met a vampire named Krasus Valen who sat under a tree. Brian noticed his red eyes and confronted him. Krasus told Brian that he was trying to create a community that is accepted by non-vampires. Brian believed that as long as vampires don't hunt or kill humans that they should at least be given a chance. They agreed to help "fix" corrupt vampires and help all vampires get on the right path. If they couldn't be fixed they would be cured or killed.

Krasus wanted Brian to embrace the night but Brian needed the advantage of being human. He now had a chance to cure this disease and becoming a vampire was not the way to do that.

Brian and Krasus allied but a new problem arose. As they chatted and walked one evening they saw a group ahead and decided to split up so no one could see them talking. There were two guards in the group, one being the guard who cured Brian. Krasus had just gotten into an argument with a man. The guards rushed over and Brian handed them a bottle of holy water which they poured on Krasus. Brian couldn't do anything. He needed to gain their trust and so he did nothing to help his new "friend". After Krasus surrendered and was taken to jail Brian visited him and apologized. Krasus was so angry at Brian and said he would never forgive Brian. Brian new that Krasus understood why he did what he did and would eventually forgive him for not doing anything and just stood there...

Chapter 7 - Hanako

As Brian hunted vampires he came across one who changed his opinion about them. As he walked the streets he found a young girl who was hidden in the darkness on such a sunny and wonderful day. When Brian confronted her she said her name was Hanako and when she lifted up her head Brian could see her red eyes. As he talked to her she asked him to help her find the cure.

After he found a light mage capable of performing the spell, he had him perform the spell immediately. Within a week Hanako was cured. This helped prove that not all vampires are evil or had wished to be turned. This changed Brian's outlook on vampires from now on. He decided to take a break from hunting vampires and focused on trying to become a guard. In the mean time he is a private body guard for hire if anyone needs one...

Chapter 8 - From Brian to Viktor

Brian was confronted by a man in the sewers about joining their cause. He knew they were vampires since they had red glowing eyes and carried themselves as if they didn't care about death. They were impressive.
Brian thought about it and realized that being human was binding and that if he were a vampire he would be evenly matched with the vampires. He was taken to a dark alter and where he was turned in a ritual. He joined the Oggressor bloodline.

Within four days, he was a vampire. His muscles became larger and his strength dramatically increased. He felt powerful, and he knew that he would enjoy being a vampire. He was aware of the Oggressor's personality and how it would change him.

He took tests in order to be welcomed into a new fold, a new family with brothers and sisters just like him. When he passed his tests, he decided that Brian Walker was a mortal name, a name that no longer suited him. He chose the name Viktor Vondrack. He would be immortalized in history for the rest of eternity.
 
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Claimed for review at a later date. Keep checking!
 
Hi there @word6 ! I will be reviewing your submission.

At First Glance:
You've evidently put some effort into the application which is good, but after looking it over I've noticed some general points that you need to work on:
  • You've followed the template, so that's fine, but I'd ask you to remove the little prompts at the beginning of each section. I.E. "Basic information has 4 main bullet list points, follow the template below. It should give the reader the basic breakdown of your character's immediate background."
  • More detail is needed in some areas, but I'll point this out where it applies when I get to each section of your application.
  • Some lore inconsistencies to do with Vampirism. However fret not as I'll be sure to help you out and show you what needs to be tweaked.
  • This character seems the very stereotypical vampire hunter. His family was killed, he became a vampire and now he's healed, he wants to kill the bad ones and keep the good ones safe. Vampirism isn't as simple as this in Regalian society & there are a few more inconsistencies to do with it that I'll point out.
Basic Information:
  • The term 'Human' encompasses the Ailor, Chi'en-ji, Qadir, Dwarf and Wulong races so you'll need to be more specific. From what I've read it sounds like Brian is an Ailor.
  • He has no permanent residence - does that mean he's homeless and sleeps on the street, does he sleep in inns and taverns, does he lodge at various homes?
  • His life goal, while admirable, sounds a little difficult to achieve in the short-term. Yes, he might want to search for those who caused him grief, but maybe you could add some achievable short-term goals? I.E. Form stronger friendships, learn some interesting things, travel.
Visual Information:
  • I would like to see much more detail in this section please. You've given a short overview of what Brian looks like and it's far too brief. Don't be afraid to bring the character to life by describing him. See the example application or previously approved characters to get a good idea of what you should write for the visual information.
  • BODY INFO
    • Caucasian complexion? You've stated he's a human so this could be subject to change. Just for other peoples' benefit could you be more specific though: Does he tan easily, is he of a pale white skin or flushed? Etc
  • HEAD INFO
    • Normal nose & eyes? Normal is a bit bland as there's no 'normal' nose or eye shape, given that lots of people differ. Be a little more specific on the shape of the nose and eyes. You can look up nose and eye shapes online if need be which I always find useful!
    • You don't need to mention that Brian had red eyes as a vampire as this is a common fact applicable to Vampirism. Simply stick with the green eyes.
  • CLOTHING INFO
    • His clothing seems a little modern to me as middle class commonfolk wouldn't tend to wear suits. Perhaps take a look at images of what middle class and peasantry would wear in the applicable time period.
    • The fact he aims to do a lot of vampire hunting and that he trains regularly would mean that this suit style of attire would soon get dirty/ripped/torn/etc.
Behaviour Information:
  • A lot more detail in this part if you'd please; I want to see 3-4 sentences on each and every point.
  • PERSONALITY
    • You haven't explained his points very well, but you have chosen 8. Out of these 8, 2 aren't really proper personality points.
    • The way you've described aggressive is odd. Aggression is when somebody acts in a confrontational manner and is generally uncooperative, angered and forceful. You've said that Brian does anything to succeed and win. Rework this.
    • Explain how the personality traits affect Brian, why & how he behaves like he does, and how this might affect others.
    • Both 'Killer' and 'Deadly' are traits you will need to remove from the personality section and then replace. Not only are such behaviours disencouraged, but they aren't even personality traits. Take a look at this link and choose some relevant ones - http://ideonomy.mit.edu/essays/traits.html
    • Just because he was once infected with the Sanguine Curse, it doesn't mean he's necessarily more observant. This point might need a little rephrasing.
  • LIKES & DISLIKES
    • As said beforehand, you will want to add 3 to 4 sentences on each point please. Bring Brian to life!
Abilities and Disabilities:
  • Again, 3 or 4 sentences for each of the listed points found in this section. Detail and description is important.
  • STRENGTHS
    • Expert swordsman seems a little overpowered as he's never had any professional training and he's only in his early thirties. So to make Brian a more balanced character I want you to nerf this a bit and make him a skilled swordsman rather than an expert.
    • You say he's kind-hearted and has good intentions? Why put this personality point here without mentioning it at all in the personality section? Add it there too! Same applies for determined.
    • What do you mean by Brian having 'good insight?'. You've just stated this without mentioning it anywhere else in the application.
  • WEAKNESSES
    • Not being a good endurance runner is a weak point to put. Change this to something along the lines of "poor stamina" perhaps and then explain it further in more detail.
    • I also want you to change the personality weakness and make it more in line with the personality changes he will have after you edit them. What you're describing here sounds like sadism.
    • Explore how he's ruthless more. How does it affect his allies and friends, does he lash out? If you re-work the aggressive point of his personality then that could be integrated into his ruthless combat.
  • COMBAT STYLES
    • This needs to be nerfed heavily in areas. He's a good swordsman and archer, can block his enemies attacks and is good in hand-to-hand fights? I don't possibly see how he could have all the time to practice this and retain it, as its very OP. You've already mentioned the swordplay before so I suggest removing either the archery or the hand-to-hand. Also remove the good at blocking and instead mention it in the swordplay point, working it by saying how he fights in a manner where he focuses on blocking and parrying (defensive fighting?).
  • WEAPONS OF CHOICE
    • Seems fine to me but remove the archery if you choose to remove it from combat styles instead of hand-to-hand
Relationships:
  • All is well in this part. One little tip is that you can tag players by putting @ before their name.
Life Story:
  • This is where the major inconsistencies arise so I'll go through and point out the large issues for you to change, and then link you to some helpful pages afterwards for you to read through. Don't worry though, it's all manageable!
  • You've missed out on Brian's early childhood and simply skipped ten years to when his family were attacked. It could be nice to put a little section on his early childhood and perhaps date sections by saying his age in each part.
  • If he was ten years old when the bandits came and murdered Brian's parents then partaking in training from that age would be difficult. He's barely even reached puberty yet.
  • You then make a major skip from age 10 to 25. Not only does this leave out his entire adolescence but it also negates anything that happened during that time.
  • I don't see how killing and torturing several people not only didn't affect Brian and Jeff mentally, as murder and torture are two severe things that are gruesome and horrible, but also how the authorities didn't find out. It was in Regalia after all (I'm supposing that it was, given that the family farm was outside Regalia), and the Violet Order is a hard-working crime-fighting force.
  • Here is where the vampirism errors begin.
    • Light & Dark alters are not lore compliant. Vampirism is obtained by infection through another vampire. I'm going to link you to some important pages which describe vampirism and how to portray it.
    • Not all vampires are necessarily strong and buff. Take a read of the Vampiric bloodlines page and choose the one that actually applies to Brian. If you're looking for the 'average' human vampire then Qan Ata is the average one.
    • Vampires aren't immortal so I don't see how Brian could make the 'Executioner' and his family suffer for eternity.
    • Warrior of light? Seems a tad strange to me, there aren't any 'Paladins' so to say.
    • The general Regalian stigma of Vampirism is that they're despicable and corrupt creatures that must be outcasted or executed. Brian's vampire hunting around the city would have been stopped at some point by the Violet Order (Guard).
    • Curing doesn't occur via lapis block. That's only for the Vampire Plugin found on Massivecraft. Read the page on vampires that I've supplied as the Sanguine curse is cured via a light mage.
  • Your life story is also written in a style where it's much like a story or narrative tale rather than the required summarising of facts. You miss out on large chunks of his life and facts that could be useful.
Well then, @word6 , there's a lot of work needing to be done on this submission. However to give you the benefit of the doubt, I'll let you have a week to make my suggested edits and changes. If you want to ask any questions or need some tips, just tag me. Also tag me @0romir when you've made all the required changes!
Best of luck, I'm here to help when I can. PENDING!
 
@word6 Sure, but keep in mind that running around killing vampires in armor might draw attention
 
@0romir Also could he have several outfits/clothing that he has with him, such as lighter clothes for stealth along with the armor?
 
@0romir For the life story how should I change the formatting so it is more like a summary and less than a story/narrative?
 
word6 said:
@0romir For the life story how should I change the formatting so it is more like a summary and less than a story/narrative?
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Make it more like an overview, really. So we get a summary of what happened rather than see storylike fashion like this: "Hello... you made it..." He took a pause. "Just in time for dessert..." Brian sprinted as fast as he could back towards the farm. "

Try taking a look at accepted char applications to get a good idea of what I mean
 
@0romir I believe I have finished. I did everything you asked. If there is anything else please let me know.
 
Okay @word6 you've evidently made an effort to evaluate and change the problems that were at hand, so I commend you. Before I can accept this, there are a things I want you to amend though. Nothing too blaring or major, but still things that need to be resolved. These are my comments

word6 said:
Wears armor that appears to be made out of brass which is mixed with iron, aluminium, silicon, and manganese to make it stronger, more durable, and give it a gold like color. It has rare royal blue diamonds in the center of the chest, wrists, and shoulders. It comes with a blue cape. He doesn't wear his armor for training but wears it for everything else.
He wears his father's armor because it was past down through the generations of the family. When his father was killed, Brian and his brother were forced to flee and Brian took the armor intending to have his older brother, Jeff, wear. After his brother's death he wore it in remembrance of Jeff and his family.
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​
  • This bit about the armor really does need changing I'm afraid. Even though it might have been passed down through the family, to have such armor would mean the family would be nobility. To be able to afford all that for a suit of armor is ridiculously outrageous for a peasant, as on average, the most a common soldier would have is steel plate. How would a commoner even have royal blue diamonds? I'd like you to tone this down a lot to something manageable and feasible, like steel or iron, chainmail, etc. If you wish to keep the blue diamond look, you could change them to being cut glass instead that look like diamonds from a distance.
  • Personality traits are much improved, well done! A few changes though:
    • Trusted should be 'trustworthy'.
    • For honest, just say why it might make him get on other peoples' bad sides. I.e. He will say things that can be taken the wrong way.
    • For smart, how does a commoner manage to learn tactics and maths at a young age? A peasant's education tends to be that of the employment they grow up to have, so as a farming family, Brian would've learnt how to plough, sow seeds, etc. You might want to shift learning tactics to when he's older, and say he managed to learn how to read and write instead of maths.
    • For brutal, I want you to change "he might kill people" to "he might harm people" simply because characters who kill others and cause deaths like it seems Brian might are damaging to RP. Not a bad personality trait as such, but just needs the little tweak.
  • When it comes to strengths, you've put two physical/combat strengths in and vaguely personality strength. You need to cut out one of the physical/combat ones and replace it with a mental strength. Refer to the character template if need be.
  • I want you to add another weakness, preferably a personality or physical one. This is because your character Brian seems very strong when it comes to his attributes, and his weaknesses are fairly minor. Adding one more weakness will make it more balanced.
  • You've mentioned he's a skilled swordsman twice in the combat style section. Remove the second bullet that says it.
  • Life story time! I like how you've tried to make it less of a story, and more summary. Despite this, some problems.
    • First two parts are generally ok bar a few grammar mistakes, but they aren't problematic and can be overlooked.
    • When it comes to vampirism, here's where the issues arise, same as last time. The Regalian stigma for Vampires isn't that they're good creatures. People fear them, despise and abhor them. They believe that vampirism is a curse or a disease, and if you read the helpful page on vampire characteristics by Ryciera, you'll see that the process of becoming a vampire is debilitating and painful. I doubt Brian would have much reason to consider becoming one. Take a look - http://wiki.massivecraft.com/Universal_Vampire_Characteristics
    • Again, you haven't really taken what I said into consideration about the change on Brian's physiology. You say that now he was a vampire, Brian became tall, buff, strong, powerful, etc. The changes aren't as great as that for a Qan Ata. Read the page here- http://wiki.massivecraft.com/Qan_Ata_Bloodline
    • Glad to see you've made an effort to change Brian as a vampire in the story, but he still seems like the very typical and archetypal vampire slayer who wants to put an end to all vampires. Being a vampire hunter isn't a profitable job, it isn't glamorous. Brian Walker's change to wanting to help cure all vampires is honourable, but still a difficult task. Most vampires will be killed on sight, and it takes a long time. He may want to re-evaluate what he's doing with his life.
  • All in all, good work on having the determination to go ahead and change, but still quite a bit to do. You have until the 20th of April to complete these changes, and that's only 5 days from now. I wish you the best of luck, but if you don't finish it and make the changes then I'll have to reject it. I'm pleased with your progress nonetheless. Tag me when done!
 
@0romir Thanks for the feedback, I'll start changing it now. For the armor instead of changing the armor from what it is now to steel, iron, or chainmail can I go into how the family was able to get the materials needed for the armor? Also, can I/should I change the fact Brian becomes a vampire in the first place? You're right that he really didn't need to become a vampire to get revenge and didn't have a logical reason other than he could be stronger. I will change the vampire part, if you think other wise I can always change it back. Next, you're also right about hunting vampires and that he should rethink what he doing with his life. How about I make hunting vampires a hobby of some sort? What I wanted him to do is become a guard. Are these good changes? Let me know what you think. Lastly, can I combine the two physical strengths and two physical weaknesses?
 
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word6 said:
@0romir Thanks for the feedback, I'll start changing it now. For the armor instead of changing the armor from what it is now to steel, iron, or chainmail can I go into how the family was able to get the materials needed for the armor? Also, can I/should I change the fact Brian becomes a vampire in the first place? You're right that he really didn't need to become a vampire to get revenge and didn't have a logical reason other than he could be stronger. I will change the vampire part, if you think other wise I can always change it back. Next, you're also right about hunting vampires and that he should rethink what he doing with his life. How about I make hunting vampires a hobby of some sort? What I wanted him to do is become a guard. Are these good changes? Let me know what you think. Lastly, can I combine the two physical strengths and two physical weaknesses?
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  • It'd be highly unlikely that a common family would have access to all those materials regardless. It'd be simpler to change the armor to being steel with brass, iron and manganese. Diamonds-wise, I guess you could nerf the amount to two or three small diamonds on his armor.
  • If you like the idea of him being a vampire, it'd make more sense that he was attacked and infected, and perhaps was too afraid of persecution or death to get it cured. Ergo, he could use it in the meanwhile to hunt down the bandits who attacked him. You could just drop it if you want to.
  • The idea of vampire hunting seems all fun and good to some, but the point stands that it's not profitable so perhaps being something he does on the side would be good. What you say about wanting to become a guard is good, why not mention it in life goals? In the meantime, you could perhaps say that as a job he works as some kind of bodyguard, has worked in a militia/mercenary group, etc.
  • Your strengths are looking good! Format the weaknesses in that same manner please. I see no problem with merging the physical weaknesses if you word it well enough.
 
0romir said:
  • It'd be highly unlikely that a common family would have access to all those materials regardless. It'd be simpler to change the armor to being steel with brass, iron and manganese. Diamonds-wise, I guess you could nerf the amount to two or three small diamonds on his armor.
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@0romir What I mean is, if someone in the family was a miner and another a blacksmith. The miner got the materials and the blacksmith forged the armor and passed it down through the family. Would this work?
 
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word6 said:
@0romir What I mean is, if someone in the family was a miner and another a blacksmith. The miner got the materials and the blacksmith forged the armor and passed it down through the family. Would this work?
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Regalia isn't famed for its mining of valuable metals though. It'd be much simpler and plausible to go with what I've said
 
@0romir I believe that I have completed the task. I changed the part about him being a vampire so he was never one. I nerfed the bit about the armor. I hope what I have done is good enough to be approved. Thanks.
 
word6 said:
@0romir I believe that I have completed the task. I changed the part about him being a vampire so he was never one. I nerfed the bit about the armor. I hope what I have done is good enough to be approved. Thanks.
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I know I shouldn't post in staff review but.
You realize like you were arrested when you were a vampire and cured right?
 
Looking good :) Just expand on the physical oriented weakness please, it's looking a little thin.
 
Suzzie said:
I know I shouldn't post in staff review but.
You realize like you were arrested when you were a vampire and cured right?
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I am aware of that. If you read the other replies between me and 0romir you would see that my character did not really have a good reason to become one and did not make sense for the character. If it is a problem, we can always say that they were two different characters that share a common name. Thanks.
 
Okay, @0romir I have added more to the physical oriented weakness and await your reply. Also, when it is accepted, how do I apply to become a guard?
 
Okay, @0romir I have added more to the physical oriented weakness and await your reply. Also, when it is accepted, how do I apply to become a guard?
 
@word6 Ok good go at the addition. You can apply to become a guard through the Special Permissions section of Character Creation. This is nearly ready to be accepted, but first I'm proposing a suggestion - You've made a list for the relationships, but you don't say the relevance of them. Could you add a brief explanation on each one of who they are to Brian, and why he knows them? When that's done, we'll see about getting this app closer to approval.
 
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I guess that'll do for relationships, they aren't all too important in the greater span of things. Approved!
(Just gotta wait for a staff to actually move it as I have no perms for that)
 
@0romir when will my thread be moved? I was gone for five days hoping that it would be moved in that time...
 
Moved! Welcome to the Approved area xD I apologize as well for the wait. I hope to see Brian's character development continue! @word6 ​
 
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