Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by SpoopMelon, Mar 5, 2018.
You're not losing, you're just not winning yet :D
I have been feeling down recently, so I decided to do something instead of lay on my bed and be sad. Sorry if its long, I am not usually the one to write short things, that relate to my emotions, or deep topics.
Spoiler: Big Long Story.
I am an only child, with divorced parents, a mom who goes in and out of jail, and a recovering father. Who has very minimal friends in real life, and struggles with depression. I am just starting my 9th grade year, taking no antidepressants because I am scared to tell my grandma and dad. It starts before I was born, my parents were forced into marriage by one of my grandma’s, because my dad got my mom pregnant. This is not particularly a good thing, because my parents did not have a strong bond with each other. Anyways, I was born, and my mom and dad never really clicked with each other, which led to a fight when I was 3, and they split up. Though the official divorce did not happen till 2 months ago, and I am 14 now. I stayed with my dad, and my mom went her own way. One thing about my mom, that affects my relationship with her to this day, is that she lies and flakes out alot. Some examples, promising to take me to the swimming pool- Doesn't do it. Promising to take me to the state fair- Doesn't do it. This is something I learned and started to adapt to, whenever I saw her. I lived with my dad until I was 6. I was in 1st grade and took the bus from my grandma’s house, so I stayed the night with my grandma on weekdays, and on weekends I went with my dad. The importance of this is that I began to see my grandma as the motherly figure in my life, which I do to this day. When I was 7 I made my first actual best friend other than my dad. He was my best friend till 5th grade, meaning 5th grade was very hard for me, which I will get to in a bit. Around the age of 8 my mom went to jail for the first time. She got on drugs and was stealing things. I didn’t figure this out for a while, when I did it didn’t phase me much. That is sad to say, that my mom being in jail didn’t really phase me, as an 8 year old. She got out and got a house, and got a boyfriend. 1 year after she got out my grandma and dad deemed it okay to stay with my mom now. Which was nice, after 6 years I finally regularly interact with my mom. Within 6 months she goes back to jail. At the end of my 5th grade year, my dad did something that I will never forget, that is the seed that planted my depression. The heartbreaking event that changed my life. My dad, my best friend, person I have spent my whole life with, started doing drugs. At Least this is when I found out. It broke my heart to find out about this. My grandma paid for him to go to rehab, which was very costly and my family has never been very wealthy, plus my mom has never paid child support. My dad got out of rehab, and within 2 weeks he started drugs again and was arrested. He was in jail for 3 months, which I know isn’t that bad, but it was for summer. I spent my whole summer with no friends, no dad, no mom, or really anyone. Though before my dad was arrested, 2 days I believe, he said one thing that made me cry for at least a week at night… This was “Buddy.. I don’t think I will ever see you again.” As of writing this, typing that makes me tear up, because the thought of never seeing my dad again is one of the worst things I think could happen to me. After my dad was arrested I cried.. Alot. Though only at nights or when no one is around. My grandma early on asked me if I wanted therapy, which I said no to. Looking back on this, I think it was one of the biggest mistake of my life so far, because if I would have said yes I don’t think I would be depressed, or at least as bad as I am right now. My dad got out of jail and then didn’t go to any sort of rehab, but got a job and was doing fine. Or so we thought, within a week of getting out he started drugs and went back to jail 6 months later. For 4 months. This was a real pain, because he missed thanksgiving, christmas, and my birthday. During christmas and thanksgiving, with all my cousins and family pictures I was the one person with no direct family there. Since I am an only child and both my parents were in jail… So it was a big slap in the face every time we had family pictures. I started playing massivecraft, august of 2014, the same school year when my dad went to jail for the first time. It was my only place to go to when I was sad, and it had/has a great community of people. Mainly in desperation of something to do. Which is the best decision I have made in my life to this day. I joined because of a group email someone I barely knew at school recommended it, I joined his faction Erona for around 5 months then left. After I joined Tyberia which I have friends from that faction still and was in that faction for 3 years. Many events went on but I won’t go into details. During the time from when I joined massive, to 8th grade I was in tyberia, which a few major things happened in tyberia that affected me as a person. For the most part I enjoyed it, having people I can relate to, but it was also the introduction to voice chat for me. If none of you know, I have a very high pitched voice. Even now as I am going through puberty it is high pitched. This caused lots of making fun of my voice, bans from TS servers, kicks from channels, server mutes on TS. I played along like it was all good fun, though internally it hurt. I live in Utah which is a state that has lots of mormon people, which means there isn’t much bullying. So this was my first encounter with bullying, I didn’t really think about it like that at the time but it was very harsh towards me and lowered my self esteem slowly. 8th grade though, is where most of my life hits me in my face. End of 7th grade, 3 of my closest friends move out of state. They weren't super close, but it was all I had. So 8th grade I was forced to find a new friend group, cope with my dad being in rehab, and no family other than my grandma to talk to, which sadly for some reason I don’t trust to tell her my problems, I don’t know why. For the most part I am a table hopper, and find a new spot to sit each lunch. This goes on all first semester, until I decide to eat fast then go to the library. It is quiet, has a small amount of people, and also has chess. I played chess a lot with my moms boyfriend she had when I was 8/9, and he taught me how to play chess well, which I still have those skills. I enter the chess tournament and get 2nd place in both of the tournaments that went down. I started to gain friends, and also I got friends by interacting with people on instagram. I got one of my closer friends, who I also had a crush on, from instagram. I did have a crush on them which they led me on to believe, and even said things that were very obvious that couldn't be taken other ways, that implied she also had a crush on me. She ended up getting me into a group of friends, which was a saving grace for me- Which I thought. The end of the school year rolled up and this girl got a boyfriend, and said “Yea I never liked you, it was just kind of fun to see your reactions. Sorry” Which.. Hurt. Especially how I told them I was depressed, the only person I told. I told them that I was depressed. They did that 3 weeks later. I didn’t really talk to anyone from my friend group anymore, and I ended ties with them because of what that girl said and did. I was left alone. Just like every other summer. With what I actually classify as depression, not just being sad. I never acted sad or different in any way to any adults, or people. Recently around this time I also have been questioning my sexuallity, I never really thought about me not being heterosexual because I have grown up in a mormon town, family, and everything. Which if you are not familiar, they look heavily down upon gays, lesibans, and bisexuals. Which I have slowly been coming to the conclusion, that I am bisexual. Which is something I have told 2 people I know from real life, and have told many from the massive community. Though over the course of this summer, I have dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts. Which I came very close to doing so. Though I was persuaded against such by multiple people, on multiple occasions. I think the main stem of my problem, is lack of real family, and real social interaction with friends. Which I had neither over the course of the summer, spending, not even exaggerating, 96% of the summer in my house, probably 90% of that on my bed. Including sleep, crying in a ball, and playing on my laptop avoiding human interaction. Now that school has started, a lot of my problems have been solved. Being a social person, just scared to do it from anxiety and depression, now forced into it from school. Just last week though, in the middle of Science, I almost had a mental breakdown out of nowhere. I luckily was sitting in the back and was able to discord message someone from massive trust a lot, right before my data shut off from being in a downstairs classroom. That pretty much catches my life up to date. Randomly crying out of nowhere because my depression sucks and I am too much of an idiot to tell anyone I need meds. Now all of you know, which i'm not sure if that is a good or bad thing.
I want to quickly just give a shout out to a few people who have helped me a lot. And I might not be here today if they hadn't helped me through some of my lowest points. @KingBrooke @Ailethi @mcmann @WrongChat
P R E A C H
Some girl kept asking me about old relationships. Because that totally didn’t make me uncomfortable.
Everything is falling again, and I don't know if I will be able to get back up this time.
I've lost all motivation to do anything but sleep and play maybe 2 mind numbing games. Even that is somewhat of a stretch. Everything feels like a useless uphill battle that I've been fighting for years and made absolutely no progress on.
I don't know where to go or who to turn to anymore. Distracting myself just doesn't cut it anymore. I'm holding onto the tiniest things to try and find some joy in life, but it's like I'm on pause and have been for years. It can't go on.
Protip for any youngins who happen to read this: don't drop out of highschool. No matter how tired you are, no matter what happens there, don't drop out and do nothing else. Please.
Sometimes, it's the little things in life which tend to get the best of us, and pile on to become big issues later in life. Piles tend to get bigger, not smaller, and by extension, uphill battles just tend to get steeper and steeper. It gets to the point where the road ahead of you begins to appear insurmountable. And while this may seem like it may never end, it is also paramount to remember who is in control of the pile. Only you control what goes onto it, and only you can decide when you're going to decimate that pile and begin your journey downhill.
When you've run out of people to turn to, the only one you can turn to is yourself. Find yourself first, and once you breach that gate, you'll find the helping hand that is going to help you get back up this time-- and stay back up. I'm glad you've decided to share your concerns with the community. You've got friends here ready to help. But it's up to you to be ready to press that 'play' button again.
i have a mom that tries blame me for all her mental issues just because my views and thoughts dont align perfectly with her strictly religious way of thinking. she shames me for everything i do, treats me like im retarded, and shelters me from literally everything. but i dont wanna do anything about it because shes the only parent i have in my life and i still love her. im turning 17 in october, and this entire situation is a somewhat recent development, so maybe shes just acting like this because she doesnt want me to grow up or something? but then that leads to my second issue which is, im borderline retarded and have no skills and probably wont go to college so i'll probably live with her my entire life anyways :shrug: i wanna die but at the same time dont so i'll just settle for sleeping. peace.
You can live with me spider boy. I'll be rich after ayyh
See I can be a snake to.
This is in no way meant to offend or target anyone, if you feel personally upset you can write me a letter and i'll gladly save (delete) it.
I dislike people sharing personal information about themselves in the eyes of public, it makes me uncomfortable given a past history of knowing people who enjoyed 'faking' their backstories and using it against people, if it's in private to someone else that's close to you thats perfectly fine but I'm not going to feel any remorse, or empathy to your paragraph, in all honesty I consider it all to be fabricated, and anyone who has grown up online knows the extent of what people will do for attention.
My other irritation is when people begin to assume certain characteristics of a person based off of what other people tell them, instead of confronting the person in general. They are made to associate the person as some kind of Spoilt brat? (If you have a burning question you want to ask me just pm me or ask me in game, stop trying to spoil my mood by whispering behind my back.) this isn't middle school and most of you who play are old enough, and I'd hope mature enough to grow up.
I'm tired of people making me feel like because I have certain disorders I should pertain special treatment during class, or examinations. My entire life i've been granted additional time on examinations, extra classes within the school because i'm one of the 5% of kids in my school who struggle with cognitive learning.
I have a complete disregard for social structure, I don't classify people by what rank they are within the community. You aren't higher than me, let me remind you where you have that little branch of power, on a
MINECRAFT ROLEPLAY SERVER
If I enjoy your company i'll be nice to you.
But the one thing.. the one thing that burns my very core..
Spoiler: Red Lobster discount coupon
Stale MassiveCraft Memes
telltale games shut down
im still playing minecraft
Spoiler: vegemite problems
decided to say stuff here cause otherwise i wont at all. im not sure what changed in my life, if it was the continuation of pills or just university but lately ive been drinking myself into a drunken mess whenever i get the chance to. i try to kill myself at times but then i realise im too much of a coward to do anything. sometimes i leave the house at the dead hours of the morning causing my friends to be worried and chase after me. i cry constantly and talk about feelings, sometimes about my friends i live with or about people on here. but what do i do after all this? i vomit, pass out, wake up, vomit and try to repress the memories. every single time i think im not going to drink again this is getting too much, but it doesn’t matter. i drink again and again almost every night or whenever we have alcohol in the house and it has to be killing me i imagine. today i woke up after being blackout drunk again and this is really the first time i felt pain in my body from drinking. im typing this while im in pain honestly which has basically just confirmed i need to say this more because maybe itll make me do something else. maybe im just overreacting with all this as well but this is just me typing out thoughts.
Spoiler: Judgement Day
So i'm writing another one of these because it has come to a point where teachers in my school consider me to be some sort of mental-ward patient who needs help feeding herself, constantly telling me "oh your mother said you struggle here." I'm sorry I didn't know my mother was my clone? I didn't know she knew how I felt everyday at school, then I get conversations like this. "Well your teachers have noticed you aren't so good at vocabulary." well see heres the issue, I am a non GCSE student doing three A-levels with no prior knowledge on the subject, so i'm sorry if I have never heard the word "monozygotic" or the word "dizygotic" Look I get you may have trained with kids with certain learning disorders but that doesn't mean every case study on that disorder is valid.. unless you have one written by people who suffer from them, you wont have any sort of grasp or understanding what goes through our minds everyday.
I don't like being treated like I am a case study, nor did I ever ask to be made into one, I am generally a nice person. I just joke around to much for my own good which makes me seem immature or childish, even act like a 'thot' at times but I am not interested in acting like a sheep with a one sided mind, I enjoy having fun being who I am and if you have a problem with it, discuss it with me in pms.
And for future reference I am more than capable of handling a moderating job, but until I see that it's worth putting hours of my time onto this server i'll continue to act how I want to, because to be honest I don't want to commit to something that doesn't seem fun at all, I've moderated and been helper on a lot of faction/skyblock servers one time even doing a full 24 hours on a youtubers server release which was one of the most stressful times of my life but it was worth it to help people out, so i'd like for all these accusations that I'm some Dubai 'thot' or 'prostitute' to stop, its just getting very irritating.
And so follows my final statement
I Creamiest a long time annoyance, and problem will start to behave myself properly on the server and forums, in hopes that when the event team is open to players in the future I can prove myself to the community, because just because I am blonde, Doesn't mean I can't be smarterer than you.
Spoiler: Riles is Depressed :c
I really needed to pour this out somewhere:
I think there comes to be a time where you’re so far gone that you think you’re on the brink of collapse. Maybe I am, maybe not. Either way, bottling up everything that I’ve dealt with for the past couple of years or so has done nothing but break me down and built me back up into this strange and terrible thing. It’s funny, almost. I never went through any accidents, any external conflicts, any tragedies, but I had a wrong mindset after a while of self-induced loneliness that led into an amount of depression and existential crises that I just kept bottled up, as always. Nobody needed to know and my purpose was hardly anything more than sitting in a building for eight hours every weekday, writing down numbers and letters to have better numbers assigned to me.
A part of me has always regretted this. I was miserable for the longest time and now here I am, socially anxious and sensitive to emotions and unable to keep my own emotions in line a lot of times. Every time they do it makes me feel like everything I try to do has been for nothing and I’ll always push myself down a peg. Self-depreciation is a bitch. Being trapped with these thoughts had only made me realize two things and that was that I had done myself no favors and perhaps now, it was just too late. I’m just sitting here, confused and divided, but I think I’m slowly working my way back. It just still hurts.
I hope y’all are as understanding about that as the rest of the others who have posted here. Thanks for a place that I can dump out my thoughts into a bit.
I want more active friends on here. Feel lonely on Massive. Wanna do more rp with people
Some people need to f*ck off and die.