I remember long ago, maybe two or so years ago there was a thread I found on here. One where people could talk about their problems, both big and small, they ranged from crushes that people were too scared to approach, to the few who stood up and spoke about their depression. I remember making a post on that thread, talking about the difficulties I was going through at the time. And the outpouring of love I got was amazing, especially that from @Miss_Confined. Most of you probably know her, she's one of the nicest people on this server, she helps those in trouble and is a great friend even when you're fine. That one thread, and her reply had a huge hand in changing my life back to the better. I wanted to make that a possibility for others too. So here it is. Note: If you don't want everyone to know whatever you want to vent about, tell me who you do want to know and I'll set up a convo where you can tell them more privately, and I promise that I won't look at it unless you want me to. I guess the best way to start this thread is by telling my story? Idk, might as well. Spoiler: Boop-da-doop At the age of three I moved from my birthplace in Edinburgh, Scotland, to Amsterdam, the Netherlands. At the age of four I started in the local preschool and I remember being so alone, so scared. I cried coming into school so many days, but I had an amazing teacher, miss Carry. Every time a child would come in sad or scared they were allowed to sit on her lap during the circle time in the beginning of class. I don't remember much, but that I didn't have many friends. I was called English so often. But there's one memory I had that I believe is the first memory I had of being bullied. I was in the little kid's playground and an upperclassman (this school was both a preschool and a primary school) and his brother came up to me so like the scared little girl I was I clambered up the tower that was there. The called me little rapunzel stuck in the tower, and one went to the end of the slide and the other to the bottom of the ladder. I was stuck. I don't know how I got out of that, but I did. Skip to a few years later, I had two best friends, Fenna and Femke, we were called the three little 'F's (My name is Fiona) and we were inseparable. I was occasionally bullied, but it was never too bad, it was never physical, only words thrown at me. One year I skipped a grade, for purely educational level reasons. Fenna and Femke stopped hanging out with me so much, it was just the two of them. I remember being saddened by hearing them joke about something they'd done just the two of them, but I made new friends. But my bullying got worse. So I escaped to Massive. There I met one person, somebody who's username was that of my favorite mythical figure. We quickly became friends and I started learning of her hardships. Her family wasn't all that supportive of her, and she was thinking of suicide.. I remember one specific day where she sent me a goodbye message, my heart sank, and I decided that I was not going let someone slip off this earth without fighting to keep them here. I pleaded for her not to do it, said everything I could and then.. Silence. Nothing for two minutes. I cried, I thought I'd failed, but then I got a message "I couldn't do it." I was overjoyed, she was alive. After that we grew apart, but sometimes I still see her log on, and every time I don't see for a month I worry that she might've done it this time.. I doubt she remembers me, but she had a huge impact on me. Now, about two and a half years ago I started middle school/high school. I was terrified, but on the very first day I met a girl (at the time) in my class who loved all the same things I did, she loved doctor who, she was a geek like me, and I felt like I belonged for once. She even spoke English. But as the year went on she began suffering more and more from depression and anxiety while she tried to figure out her gender identity and sexuality. I supported her, I was there for her the whole time, but I began feeling more and more payed down. It became harder and harder to be truly happy. So one day we were talking in class and I said "I think I might be depressed." You know what the reply I got was? "It's probably just hormones." I believed her and shut up about it until much later. At that point I'd spoken to my parents about it, both of whom suffer from forms of depression and they said that what I was feeling fit the bill of depression almost exactly. So one day I mentioned it again around her to test the waters, she said "If you're so depressed, just get help." in the most nonchalant way I'd ever heart anyone speak. As if seeking help when you don't even believe you deserve the space you take up in the world is so easy, as if it's like breathing, something we do naturally. I started distancing myself from her, who had now figured out they identified as a them. I spoke to my parents and started some minor therapy. But I quit it because I didn't feel I really needed it. Then one day on here I was rejected for a character in a family in a way that hurt me severely. I remember that night crying once I got out of the shower and checking all the pills we had in the bathroom to see if anything was there that would kill me if I took enough of them. I didn't do anything, but I kept the answer in the back of my mind. The answer that one kind of pill we had would cause my body to start to shut down. My suicidal thoughts eventually subsided but my depression grew worse. When I went to the US that summer to visit family I stayed in my room most of the time, speaking to my friends on here. But I started self-harming and my suicidal thoughts returned. The longer it went on the worse it got. I never attempted suicide, but I thought about it almost every minute of every hour. I cried every day, I thought I was worthless, that I was nothing, that I didn't deserve all I had, and that nobody would miss me if I passed away. But I watched a video from a youtuber who also suffers from depression, and it was a video on how to seek help for depression if you needed it. So I took her advice. I wrote a note to my parents because I knew I couldn't say it myself without breaking out into unstoppable tears. I gave the note to my mother who then gave it to my father and 10 minutes later they came into my room to talk to me about it. They shared that they'd been through the same things. That next week I went to the doctor to get help from the local youth team that does therapy. I continued with my therapy with my American therapist, but things still only got worse for me. To the point where I had to leave school because I was missing more days than I actually attended. I started on medication and my parents locked up all the pills in the house. I spent every day at home, I cried myself to sleep every night, but as the months went on I began to improve. I transferred to an international school to stop the bullying about me being a foreigner, and on October 31st I went to school for the first day in over half a year. I'm still on medication and still in therapy, but I'm doing so much better. I don't go to school full time, instead I only follow a select few classes and have the goal to go to school 4 days a week instead of all 5. I still have dips in my mood, I still have suicidal thoughts, I still cry, I still have moments where I doubt myself. My anxiety is stronger than ever but I'm surviving. I understand that my depression and anxiety are almost certainly chronic, as they've been going on for over two years, but I can handle that. I know I'll never be the girl I was before depression hit. I feel sorry for the past me, the little girl who went from the most happy and bubbly person in her class to an outcast, eating alone each day and never speaking to anyone. Recently I even cut my hair shorter than my shoulders (It used to be down to my butt) to signify that I'm moving on as a person. That I'm not going back to who I used to be, but that I'm a new person. Note: I left a couple things out and a few things I left vague to not give people ideas. Thank you @Mayaran for helping inspire me to create this thread. Your speech really hit me right in the f e e l s.