"I brought your favorite,"
Fen remarked out loud as she wove her way around a few trees, holding up a bottle of rum in reference, approaching a large, but young tree by the riverbed in the forest, the sound of rushing water and the rustling of leaves with the slight breeze was her only response as she crouched by the young tree, where multiple old rum bottles of the same brand seemed to have been left, as if there for years. Fen'nan slid down to her knees, leaves crunching beneath her. She sighed before peering up to the stars above her through the holes that the branches and leaves that towered above her left before she looked back to the tree at the edge of the riverbank she sat on now. She popped open the rum bottle and raised it in mock cheers to the tree before tipping her head back and taking a swig before setting the bottle between her legs as she sat back and crossed her legs in a criss-cross position, hands resting on the neck of the bottle.
Fen'nan stared at the wooden trunk of the tree. "I know it's been a bloody while. But I was at war. So that should mean something," she said, continuing on, "Fought Rikkira. Yeah, uhuh, bloody shot her like a million friggin times and I'm still here. Alive. So what's your excuse?" She asked dryly.
The rustling of the dead leaves above her only answered in response.
Fen listener for a moment to the stillness before she huffed a laugh and took another swig of the bottle, a bitter somberness and loneliness encompassed the dark woods around her. She set the bottle back in her lap. "And, well, Regalia's still piss. It is. Delays me a lot. It's like I'm babysitting, constantly. It's so...sad. Everybody's just sad. The whole city is a sad, bloody mess."
"Like...Lina cries. All the time. You know, she lost two babies. One of them was gonna be named after me. But it's dead now." She smirked bitterly and swished the bottle around, "suppose its kinda fitting." She mumbled, lips pressing thinly together for a moment. She swallowed harshly, glancing away and staring off for a moment.
Fen shook her head, huffed and rolled her eyes, "We basically lost, you know. The war. No matter what I did, no matter what we did. We still lost so much. It wasn't a victory. But no, here people are, celebrating. Like we did something. It's such a load of bloody shite, I can still smell it. Celebrating with their little parties and shite, and for what? Bullshite that's what. And then they have the gall to mourn. With stupid little rituals as if it makes a damn thing change."
She threw up her hands in exasperation and rolled her eyes, "I know what your gonna say, "Because it makes them feel better Sadima." She mimicked in a low tone, droning on with frustration, "For how long? A minute, a day? What difference does it make? Because in the end, when you lose somebody, every candle, every stupid prayer to whatever stupid god, is not going to make up for the fact that the only thing you have left is a hole in your life where that somebody you cared about used to be."
She shook her head a bit with a bitter scowl, face twisting, "You left me here to babysit, Az. I can hear you laughing at me now," she said bitterly. "And you wanna know what the worst part is? What those...those...naive children think? "
The redhead Altalar gave a laugh that wasn't happy at all, "They want me to change. They think, deep down in my heart, that I'll someday become good. I'll become a good, lawful Regalian citizen and everything will be sunshine and rainbows and we'll all live happily ever after."
The bitter Nelfin shook her head. "I don't do good. It's not in me." She muttered, taking a sip from the bottle before setting it back down. "I won't change who I am for them. I can't."
She sighed and leaned forward, letting her forehead thump against the wooden trunk of the tree, her scarred, callused hand reaching up and tracing over the rough wood. "I'm gonna have to do things soon. Things they aren't gonna like. So, I just wanted to warn you, in advance. And say hullo. Cause' I dunno when I'll be able to visit again. I'm taking a page out of the Venalaris handbook to 'Being an Asshole.' Everyone's left anyway..." she frowned a bit and added, "Either leaving or gone. Ben bloody boffed off and left me and Milo. Novie and Lina are friggin rich tits. Andy just upped and left. William's just a pretentious prick. The bloody 'good guy.' So...yeah."
Fen straightened up, her tone carrying cold frustration, jaw clenching. "So they see me differently. I'm the bad guy. And you know what? I like being the bad guy. Fine. I'll be the one to get things done and protect the idiots that I care about at the end of the day. At the end of the day, I'll be the one to get us to the end. Not the good guy." She shrugged, "I make a better villain anyway." She said airily.
The beautiful, pale girl rolled her jaw and peered down briefly, staring hard at the soft grass, covered in dead, brown leaves. "When people see good they expect good. And I don't wanna live up to their stupid expectations." She said stonily, going silent for a moment as she listened to the rivers rushing water beside her. There was an urge to submerse herself into the water and just...sink. She looked to the water briefly before looking back and scowling at the tree.
"Shut up. Shove it. I already know what yer gonna say and I don't wanna hear it. That "I have feelings. That I'm not bad, not really. You wanna tell me I am weak sometimes and it's okay to feel like shite. That I'm human. That's what you always say." Oooooh I know, I know that." She snapped and paused and took a heavy swig of her rum bottle, before she set the now empty bottle beside the other fourteen empty rum bottles. The silence around her was defeating and lonely in the worst way.
She clenched her jaw harshly and glared at the tree with watery eyes, throwing up her arms. "I feel, Azekeil, okay? And it sucks." Fen swallowed, "What sucks even more was it was supposed to be me." She jabbed a finger at her chest. "He was supposed to kill me." She sniffled and wiped her eyes angrily, staring at the tree a moment longer before she turned her body around so she leaned against the trunk of the tree, staring off into the vast, dark empty woods that surrounded her, pulling her knees to her chest to protect herself from the bitter winter chill.
She stared off into the dark wilderness and pressed her lips thinly together, swallowing and stifling the rising emotion and pressing it back far, far away. "...That's enough touchy, feely for one night." Fen muttered into the silence. She glanced up again, peering through the dead, dry leaves and at the sky. But clouds had covered the bright stars.
It left her entirely in the dark.
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