Preserved Sheet Nathaniel Griffen Astrophell

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EndersGameboy

The Last of the Bloodline
Joined
Aug 25, 2017
Messages
157
Reaction score
100
Points
0
Location
Virginia
Faction
City of Regalia
Kingdom
Regalian Empire
Roleplay Guilds
Scholar Ministry, Arcane Ministry
Nathaniel Griffen Astrophell




Basic Information (Required)

  • Full Name: Nathaniel Griffen Astrophell; Nathan or Nate for short

  • Age: 31

  • Gender: Male

  • Race: New Regalian Ailor (Vampire)

  • Main Ambition: To make a name for himself, and to help those in need
[*]Nathan has lived in Regalia for his entire life. He has never had a high seat in the city, but his father was a well known jeweler, Thomas Leviticus. Nathaniel had a pleasant life up until he was bitten by a Vampire and became one himself at age fourteen. Now he sulks around the streets of Regalia, but not without hope. He feels he needs to make the world a better place. So he uses his Vampiric abilities to help those few he can.


[*]Nathan was born on 274 AC, in Regalia. He was raised with an adopted brother, Marcus, and his biological sister, Hennae. Nathan has always wanted to help people, but at age thirteen, he saw a hooded man from the slums kill a Drowdar in such a gory fashion, Nathan could not move. He still regrets not helping the poor Elf ever since.


[*]When Nathan was a young boy, he always wanted to learn magic. Ever since he became a Vampire, he has not been able to learn. Also, he absolutely loves collecting jewelry and other accessories. He also highly enjoys studying the celestial bodies, geography, chemical symmetry, and astronomy.

Skill Information

  • Proficiency Points (31)
    • +25 Acrobatics (+10 from Turall School, +15 from Points)
    • +10 Daggers (+10 from Turall School)
    • +10 Short Sword (+10 from Turall School)
    • +6 Sneaking (+6 from Points)
  • Culture Points (31)
    • +10 Singing (+10 from Points)
    • +10 Dancing (+10 from Points)
    • +5 Horticulture (+5 from Points)
    • +6 Smithing (+6 from Points)
  • Languages
    • (10/10) Common




Visual Information (Required)

  • Eye Color: Crimson Red (Vampire)

  • Hair Color: Dark brown with a crimson tint

  • Hair Style: Flat, straight, and neat. No stubble

  • Skin Color: Extremely pale

  • Clothing: Often a vest over a long sleeved slicked shirt. That of lesser commoner, but rich crimson and black colors, sometimes green

  • Height: 6 foot 1 inches

  • Body Build: Athletic

  • Weapon of Choice: Fists
    [*]Nathan has very sharp cheekbones and has no stubble whatsoever. His skin is very smooth and has many complexions. He has relatively long ears, average sized eyes, and often does not open his mouth wide, as he tries to hide his fangs. He has no freckles, but there is one scar right in front of his right ear that he got when brewing in Alchemy. He usually carries a glum or happy face, but it really varies.


    [*]He has a fairly thin body with extremely pale skin. He is quite tall and his arms seem slightly unproportional due to his lack of fat on his torso. There is almost no visible muscle on his arms, but his legs have a slight amount. No one knows why, but he has random spasms at time in which he shakes for a moment, stops, and blanks out, everything is black afterwards. A few moments later, he returns to consciousness. He has a relative amount a body hair for an Ailor, just no facial hair.


    [*]Most likely because he grew up as "the jeweler's son," Nathan has a strong love for accessories and jewelry. His favorite accessories are bracers, and he is always consistent on how they can be part of fashion. His father, Thomas, made him a silver-steel bracer encrusted with lapis gems just before Nathan was fourteen. He always wore it (Except at night) on his left arm and still does today. He often wears a vest or jacket over a raggish yet fashionable shirt. He also wears a black top hat at times when he is out in the winter. His primary cloth colors are black, red, scarlet, crimson, and dark forest green. Nathan, ever since he was five, has always worn the necklace his mother gave to him.


    [*]Nathaniel has a mostly average speaking voice, though after living on the streets for some years, he has developed a second, much deeper voice, to sound more intimidating. He has a typically average speed, just he understands things better when people speak quickly. He has no foreign accent, but has heard so many that he is fairly good at imitating some, and he never stutters. His singing voice, however, has a huge range. He is very clear with it, and it is very charming, relaxing, and pleasant. Nathan can speak only Common Speech.
Personality and Abilities (Required)

  • First Paragraph: Nathaniel is usually seen as a naturally sociable and humorous person. Though he has a sense of humor, he never uses it to make himself happy, only to get onto the good side of other people so that he may get something out of them. On first sight, a person is either convinced that Nathan is a really, good, friendly person if Nate sees them as weak or something he could get something from, or a stranger who is protective of their own identity and makes it obvious they will not open their emotions to strangers will see him as someone they should be cautious of.

  • Second Paragraph: Nathaniel thinks quite highly about himself, and he shows it. However, he knows his weaknesses, and is afraid to show them. This is why he absolutely despises performing in public. Nathan tries his best to make himself seem like everyone should love him.

  • Third Paragraph: Nathaniel does not interact with his family much anymore, but always makes the most out of his time with them. As for his friends, he often hangs around them for whole days, but his biggest rule is to hide his secret about being an Ombratore Vampire. Nathan does not, however, treat his friends with as much trust and respect as he does to his family. He is also very social with anybody, this includes strangers, especially ones that appear weak. He is very cunning with words, and loves to play around with them, this is why he loves poetry. He, at times, can be very flirtatious, especially when he has an affection towards someone, but this is not all the time.

  • Fourth Paragraph: Nathaniel has a natural sense of morality, because this is what he has grown up. However, ever since he became a Vampire, Nathan has slowly grown towards choosing the path that puts him above everyone else. This is why he can be seen as having somewhat evil motives. But ever since he saw the Drowdar die, he still wants to help those in need. He believes in structure and organized law. He is exceptionally good at determining another's morality.

Life Story (Required)

Nathaniel Griffen Astrophell was born on November twelfth, 279 AC. He was raised into a fairly wealthy family, in which his father, Thomas Leviticus Astrophell, was a jeweler. He had an adopted younger brother, and an older biological sister. At age thirteen, he was walking down a street towards his home, when he witnessed a cloak man beating up a Drowdar, then stabbing a knife through his neck. From that point on, Nathan wanted to help anyone he could who was in need, an absolutely anyway possible. Whether it was helping someone study, or saving someone's life. He never got to saving people's lives, however.

At age fourteen, he went on a trip to the city of Dorinn to and began practicing in the School of Turall there. At his stay in Dorinn, after three years had passed, he was bitten by a Vampire when walking the streets at night. Sadly, however, after three days he turned, yet he was afraid to tell anyone.

By age twenty-one, Nathaniel moved back to Regalia. Now he lives in Regalia as he looks for some work to do, but also enjoys it for gaining his own personal comfort and luxury.

At age thirty-two, Nathaniel died after being killed and strung on a cross by some death cultists.
 
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Peer Review!
  • Why is his weapon of choice a Drow Khoptar? I recommend you to detail why he prefers this weapon; keep in mind, this isn't a weapon that you use like a sword, you need your character to have at least some experience with the drow khoptar as the momentum on the drow khoptar is hard to tame.
  • How can he speak elven? How fluent is he at speaking elven, why would he want to learn elven?
    • Nathan has very sharp cheekbones and has no stubble whatsoever. His skin is very smooth and has many complexions. He has relatively long ears, average sized eyes, and often does not open his mouth wide, as he tries to hide his fangs. He has no freckles, but there is one scar right in front of his right ear that he got when brewing in Alchemy. He usually carries a glum or happy face, but it really varies.
    • He has a fairly thin body with extremely pale skin. He is quite tall and his arms seem slightly unproportional due to his lack of fat on his torso. There is almost no visible muscle on his arms, but his legs have a slight amount. No one knows why, but he has random spasms at a time in which he shakes for a moment, stops, and blanks out, everything is black afterwards. A few moments later, he returns to consciousness. He has a relative amount a body hair for an Ailor, just no facial hair.
    • Most likely because he grew up as "the jeweler's son," Nathan has a strong love for accessories and jewelry. His favorite accessories are bracers, and he is always consistent on how they can be part of fashion. His father, Thomas, made him a silver-steel bracer encrusted with lapis gems just before Nathan was fourteen, and first began practicing Alchemy. He always wore it (Except at night) on his left arm and still does today. He often wears a vest or jacket over a raggish yet fashionable shirt. He also wears a black top hat at times when he is out in the winter. His primary cloth colors are black, red, scarlet, crimson, and dark forest green. Nathan, ever since he was five, has always worn the necklace his mother gave to him. His father made it, but it was his mother who secretly told Thomas to use a stone of hers on the necklace. That stone was a turquoise foci crystal, yet Nathan's mother told no one.
    • Nathaniel has a mostly average speaking voice, though after living on the streets for some years, he has developed a second, much deeper voice, to sound more intimidating. He has a typically average speed, just he understands things better when people speak quickly. He has no natural accent, but has heard so many that he is fairly good at intimidating some, and he never stutters. His singing voice, however, has a huge range. He is very clear with it, and it is very charming, relaxing, and pleasant. Nathan can speak only Common Speech and Modern Elven.
    All of this should be in a spoiler as it's an expansion.
  • When it comes to suspicious people, Nate can easily spot if they are watching him.
    I feel like you can abuse this talent OOC, even though; this talent is impossible to have as you either are suspicious or you are not, it's impossible to know if someones staring at you when you're back is turned back at them. I suggest editing this or remove it.
  • You need to have at least three sentences for each of your talents; you also will need to add a couple weaknesses to even out your character.
  • You also can't be a good singer without having any sort of training, I recommend editing this.
  • Keep in mind everyone has an accent, if no one did then everybody would legitimately sound the same, there is no such thing called a natural accent.
  • In your life story, you say he is an expert alchemist, though on your skill information it says he's a scholar, you should change this.
That's my peer review! I may give you another peer review after this one; because I might find a couple errors again!

@EndersGameboy
 
Anything with optional doesn't suppose to be in a spoiler, actually.
 
@EndersGameboy
I am going to ask that you fix some of the formatting on this application before I start my review. Make sure to fix any spacing errors and include all optional information, minus the skill section, in a spoiler.
 
Alright, let's do this!
@EndersGameboy
Whatcha Gotta Do: ( Required)
  • Basic Information:
    • Race: Ombratore should be removed here, as it is not a part of his race.
    • Main Ambition: This seem like very generic ambitions. I would recommend thinking of something you want to accomplish with this character and how you are going to do that.
    • Age: You will need to age him up, as he is too young to be an expert alchemists, which takes around fourteen years if not more. I would recommend aging him up to late twenties or early thirties to account for this.
  • Visual Information:
    • Eye Color: His eye color should be one of the natural colors available to Ailor, as Ombratore do not have red eyes unless they are feeding.
    • Weapon of Choice: Keep in mind that being an Ombratore saps the strength, and thus he would likely have difficulty using a longbow. Combat is not supposed to come easy for this type of Vampire, as they are meant to be more sociable.
  • Personality and Abilities: This entire section seems contradictory, and a bit trope-ish. I would recommend reading the Ombratore page, as Ombratore are usually very sociable and outgoing. Every section should be 4-5 sentences.
    • First Paragraph: Make sure to include how he acts around strangers, how he is first meeting someone, and what someone would think if they heard about him from someone else.
    • Second Paragraph: Make sure to talk about how he seems himself, and why. This category should include both things he likes about himself and things he is self conscious about.
    • Third Paragraph: This section should include how your character acts around friends, family, and lovers. There should be distinctions between each and why each is different.
    • Fourth Paragraph: This should talk about your character's morality, and why it is that way. Is your character generally good, evil, neutral? What do they think about established order?
  • Talents and Weaknesses: This section should include things that you could put on something like a resume. Each should be 2-3 sentences long.
    • Extremely fast will need to be removed, as an intellectual character that is also an Ombratore would not be able to be unnaturally fast without Blood Dancing.
    • Ombratore Vampire should be removed, as this is an assumed strength.
    • Mimicking should be removed, as this could potentially be used for powergaming and should be avoided.
    • The talent concerned direction should also be removed, as there is no logical reasoning for it.
    • Your character's ability concerning words can be kept, because that is natural for an Ombratore.
    • If you have more than three talents you will need to add in Weaknesses.
  • Life Story: I would recommend rewriting this, as you may need to make major changes to the character which will affect the life story. Make sure to only outline the major points of your character.
Overall I think you've got a really good start, but this application just needs some work. Go ahead and make the edits in the color of your choice, and tag me when you're done.
 
Okay, I think I have corrected my Character Application. I have made all my corrections in crimson pink.
 
KA-CHOW!
 
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@EndersGameboy
  • I would recommened taking a look at some of the approved applications to get a sense of what weaknesses and talents you can use, as these are still not up to par.
 
@EndersGameboy
  • Remove the section about the bamboo flute, as otherwise it would need to be stated that he has a talent in the School of Music.
  • He cannot and would not have access to information on planar essences, this seems like it would lead to metagaming and will need to be removed.
  • Why would a tutor in Alchemy require his student to learn Modern Elven? This doesn't seem important to the character and should be removed.
  • The ability to smell ingredients seems like it could also be used for metagaming/powergaming and should be removed.
  • All talents should be 2-3 complete sentences and be relevant to the character.
You will also need to make sure any optional categories are labeled and in spoilers. Tag me when you're done.
 
Sorry for the late response. I was away for a while.
 
@EndersGameboy
  • Your weaknesses are not relevant to the character nor the character sheet and will need to be removed.
  • Add two sentences to the first talent and three sentences to the second one.
  • Turquoise Foci crystal mention in the life story needs to be removed.
  • Take another look at the template so you know what is and isnt optional, and put the optional things in a spoiler.
 
Looks good for the most part.

Approved.
 
THANKK YOU!!!!!!!!!!
&
KA-CHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@Percuriam
 
I would like to change my character sheet do the recent changes in Vampirim and the removals of Ombratores.
 
@EndersGameboy
  • Under the talents section about alchemy, make sure to remove the parts about being an expert and that he is not quicker than anyone else at his level in making alchemical conditions as that is powergaming.
  • Check again for spelling and grammar mistakes as there are a few.
 
@EndersGameboy

There are a few obvious mistakes to catch if you give the app a once-over. Please do this and tag me when you're done.
 
  • Remove the special permission line, it is outdated and no longer necessary.
  • He has 31 Total normal proficiency points, and 31 total cultural proficiency points. Make sure to state this in the section.
  • You have spent 10 too many points. After invest 10 in the School of Turall you have a remaining 21 to use in the normal section.
  • Unless he is a vampire ( which I need you to state somewhere if he is ) your character's eye color should not be Crimson Red.
  • Remove the talents section, as it is outdated and incompliant with the current character.
  • Remove all mentions of alchemy, as you have not invested any points into it.
  • Likely a lot of your life story will need to be rewritten.
Make these edits and tag me when you're done.