Massivecraft Vent Thread

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by MonMarty, Oct 25, 2018.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. MassiveAnon

    MassiveAnon

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2018
    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    1
    @MonMarty, @SpunSugar Please look at this post!

    I wanted to talk about issues I have with Doubts/Anxiety, Friends/Communication, Roleplay Issues

    So this is just me sharing my story dealing with the several mental disorders and anxiety I've dealt with for awhile. I just really need to let this out. There's several (Paragraphs?) Detailing each of the things I face everyday - and things I've done.

    Anxiety - I was diagnosed at 8 years old with Seperation anxiety, and by the time I was 13 I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety and just Anxiety in general - now some think at times that dealing with anxiety magically goes away online - and that you don't doubt or fear what you type on a screen. I mean it's just words right? However for me I get anxiety even socially online, not just trying to interact. Though I've tried to come out of my shell - I always retreat. Doubts always coming through my mind 'What if I come off as clingy? What if this goes wrongly? Is my wording bad? Is there a reason they don't answer my DM's? Why don't I fit in?' questions keep popping through my mind as fear and paranoia seeps in. Everyday it's like this and it doesn't get better. The more I socialize - the worse it gets. However this effects me heavily online which leads to our next topic. Hell - my anxiety acts up when it comes to Roleplaying, as I often re-type my sentences or re-think of what I say. That is if I don't accidentally post without thinking at all.

    Depression - Also at the age of 8 among with most of my disorders - I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression, to the point I often thought myself better off as dead and worthless, most of this coming from Online bullying/Real life bullying and dealing with my parents fight, however over the years - it just got worse and worse until I can't even look in my own mirrors anymore because all I see is 'ugly' or 'worthless'. Sometimes these negative thoughts will appear out of no-where. I've tried anti-depressants I've been in and out of counseling and it doesn't get better. It only gets worse and worse until I start crying - wondering why do people even become friends with me? (Yes I have sought online help, tried suicide lines, and I have contacted them both before and will after again - just to try and help though they usually don't - that is if I get through a queue and don't get referred to calling - I don't have a phone to call on.) One of my biggest issues it dealing with depression and it sometimes effects how I roleplay like my anxiety - often making me that 'Debbie downer' though I really try to stay in high spirits.

    Misunderstanding and lack of communication - Another one of my biggest fights is understanding what people say - trying to not take it out of context as words often have double-meaning to me, I often misunderstand what people say and are feeling more often as them being angry. Sad. Depressed. I also don't understand when people aren't being serious and when they are unless it's blatant sarcasm or a blatant joke - this causes me often to lose friends as I accidentally think of them mad at me - or not wanting to be around me when in reality they're just messing with me and it gets blown out of the water.

    Sexuality - I'm closeted as a pansexual I've often dealt with many dealings of bullying - even from the LGBTQ+ community, and from people itself. As they often say things like "I don't want to be your tester!" this is a thing common with not pansexuality - but Bisexuality as well, as they seem to believe but liking both/all genders is wanting to test out our sexuality to see if we're gay/lesbian or straight? I've also dealt with going with questions with my family on there view of pansexuality - they've told me before they would not accept a person who didn't strictly like one gender or the other - a very similliar mindset to some of the LGBTQ+ community.

    I'm sorry - I just needed to get all of my worries out there.
    I'm not expecting direct help - most of all I just need someone to understand.
    I respect the fact you may not choose to answer this - and if you do, bless you.

    Yes, I agreed to to the Disclaimer
     
  2. MassiveAnon

    MassiveAnon

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2018
    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    1
    @MonMarty Please look at this post!

    I wanted to talk about issues I have with Doubts/Anxiety, Friends/Communication

    I have no real worry about people knowing who this is, so if you figure it out feel free to be content in knowing that you know my fears.

    I'll start right up at the top. I am not sure if I made the right choice in seeking an unban here on massive. While I feel (and staff have clearly agreed) that I have spent more than enough time away to reconcile my issues and become an individual no longer capable of, morally, the things I did, I feel like I did not spend enough of the time away that I did seeking to speak to friends and colleagues who I harmed either through what I did or via some other action I performed that did not lead to either my dismissal from staff or ban from the server. I can particularly think about the immense regret I hold in my heart for what I did to an individual who's work I stole and re-purposed as my own, when credit should have been passed along up the chain as deserved. I feel like I spent too much time deliberating on whether or not to contact this individual to express my regret and repentance that by the time I actually did come around to doing it, I felt like (and they corroborated) that I had spent far too long without a proper apology such that my apology felt like it was meant to serve some ulterior motive.

    Back to my original point. I don't know if I made the right choice in coming back. In reality, I didn't expect to get unbanned. Even excluding my doubts, by the end of my last stretch on massive and throughout this current one, I don't actually play the game in any regular fashion anymore (I've been trying to invent ways to keep the fun going for a long time with minecraft), I mostly just participate in community interaction and trying my best to help who I can. And while they'res certainly a need for people to interact with the community at all times, and a need for people who don't fit the standard play-style, I feel like I don't really know what I'm supposed to do here anymore.

    In my time that I've been gone, I've had some list of major changes in my life, listed, but not limited to here:
    1) I left my wife in September of 2018. I generally would cite this as the root of all of the future problems but it certainly isn't the only cause.
    2) I suffer from a relatively recently diagnose-able condition known as DDD or Depersonalization-Derealization Disorder. I'm not going to give you a wikipedia article or anything but the rundown is that it leaves me in a very dissociative state at pretty much all times. Generally this just contributed to depression, but at times led to full out panics that I and the world around me were not real, in the most all-encompassingly terrifying way that I could have ever imagined.
    3) I had to drop out of university due to mental health issues, which, of course, contributed directly negatively to my depression.
    4) I had to leave my job as it was directly tied to my university status and since then have been job searching relatively fruitlessly due to my lack of motivation to actually go out and try to find a job, but, of course, with funds running out I've run out of time to do that so I've had a bit of terror to motivate me into that recently.

    It is because of all of these things that I am now led to question whether or not my intentions to return here were dictated by feeling bad and wanting to return to a community that I knew or if I'm seeking some sort of way to further ignore my problems.

    If this sounds like it wasn't read over that is because I did not and will not read it over. If you feel it is more appropriate to contact me personally about the issues raised here, you know where to find me.

    Yes, I agreed to to the Disclaimer
     
  3. MassiveAnon

    MassiveAnon

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2018
    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    1
    @MonMarty, @SpunSugar, @LumosJared Please look at this post!

    I wanted to talk about issues I have with Doubts/Anxiety, Friends/Communication

    First and foremost, before I say anything else, I think I should make it clear that what I'm asking for is mostly advice to help myself through an OOC problem I have and seemed to have always had; that problem being that fact that I seem to lack the ability of communicating well verbally and written on an OOC level.

    Now, I have always been a bit of a shut-in, outside of Massive I am a chronic wallflower and only ever socialize while at the arm of a close friend, but online I find it far easier to communicate... in text. I just wanted to know if there was any advice anyone had to offer on how to better my communication skills with those in VC and actual face-to-face conversation, since I've noticed I have the habit of entirely shutting down the moment I'm interrupted, or speaking too loud to try and get my point across which only leads to people getting annoyed. I don't particularly want to annoy anyone, nor do I want to get ignored and interrupted, but it seems there's no choice other than one or the other?

    Yes, I agreed to to the Disclaimer
     
  4. MonMarty

    MonMarty Thotsune Miku Staff Member Server Owner

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2012
    Messages:
    8,182
    Likes Received:
    6,151
    Oof. So. Usually when I'm in VC, I just keep talking if someone interrupts me and if they keep going I just go like "okay, this bitch". But no for real, you may be mistaking VC and real life communication with each other. VC over discord is not the same as actual conversations between people, they are a bunch of chickens screaming into a void trying to be thought of as funny, while also having a half a second latency that often results in people talking over each other.

    Some communities are super like "no you talk", "nono, I interrupted, you talk", "nono, I insist, you talk first", while other communities just start blaring music and obnoxious statements into a void over each other in an attempt to one-up each other. I think you should gauge whether the community you're in "fits your extroverted vs introverted nature", and consider whether maybe sometimes it's best to just say "hey guys I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and I'm going to sit in a channel below". That is what I do usually when I feel it gets a bit much. And sometimes it's also a good idea to just interrupt yourself and then see if anyone is like "hey dude, I was listening, you can continue" when the previous interrupter stops talking. If that doesn't happen, maybe consider finding other friends.
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
  5. MassiveAnon

    MassiveAnon

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2018
    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    1
    @MonMarty, @SpunSugar, @LumosJared Please look at this post!

    I wanted to talk about issues I have with Doubts/Anxiety, Friends/Communication, Roleplay Issues, Family Related

    hi. so... i've got a lot on my plate, and i'm too much of a anxiety-ridden coward to approach anyone about these things-- or, rather, i've tried but they're either dishonest or honest with me, i can't tell anymore.

    i'll start off with the family related topic because it's been bugging me for a while now.

    i live in a two bedroom small apartment with my nephew, niece, my mother, and my niece & nephew's mother. i don't have my own room. i need to isolate sometimes and this proves extremely difficult when your mother comes into the bedroom you share together, hah. anyway.

    my mother is a teacher. she has a hard time with confrontation & my niece and nephew's mother (let's call her A) has done terrible things. she's never there for her children, simply going up to another apartment and staying there for days on end and coming back once a day for... less than an hour to an hour. but, my mother constantly whisper complains to me about A and i can't do it anymore. my niece and nephew deserve better than this. (their father, my brother, is also in prison.)

    we also suspect A is on drugs. it's hard living with someone that's obviously on drugs, and who never takes care of her children. living in this two-bedroom small apartment is making me miserable but i don't know what to do. i go to my boyfriend's house every two weeks now due to my boyfriend's mother taking care of my dental & eye appointments. i stay there for a week, and it feels like pure bliss being in a actual quiet place.


    now... this is going to be a mixture of the doubts/anxiety, roleplay issues, & friends/communication.

    i have a very, low self-esteem, and major depressive disorder & generalized anxiety. i also suspect i have histrionic personality disorder and it's interfering with my daily life, but nobody believes me, not even my therapist and i don't know what to do. i also have another disorder, but i want to keep that a secret for now. anyway.

    my boyfriend introduced me to this server, what, 2-3 months ago? i've experience with roleplay, but not combat roleplay and it makes me feel like an absolute fucking burden when i roleplay with people and don't know what to do in terms of crp, unless they obviously have the upper hand. i've made friends on this server, but i have trouble keeping up conversations. it's very hard for me because i have trust issues and i don't know what to talk about half of the time, unless it's an interest of mine... it's very hard. in addition, i'm very forgetful. i don't know what to do. i'm too scared to reach out to people in fear of being "pushy" or "weird". one of my friends also got distant with me and it makes me feel like i did something wrong, despite their reassurances.

    in addition i'm very irrational, and i always have this person over my shoulder pointing out my faults & my fear of being abandoned/alone. it's mostly to do with other people-- say, my boyfriend does [x], and my mind instantly defaults to "he's going to cheat on you", "he's going to hurt you", "run run run RUN". they're not actual voices but just... thoughts. like from a entirely different person. it's weird and strange and it makes me feel even more alone than i already feel.

    so... this is all that's on my plate right now i guess. i've tried talking to my therapist about it, i've tried talking to my mom, i've tried talking to my boyfriend, and now here i am on a forum.

    Yes, I agreed to to the Disclaimer
     
  6. MassiveAnon

    MassiveAnon

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2018
    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    1
    @MonMarty, @SpunSugar, @LumosJared Please look at this post!

    I wanted to talk about issues I have with Doubts/Anxiety, Friends/Communication

    I recently had a bad breakup and I was dumped without any real meaningful dialogue or closure. They didn't call me, they sent me a text over a social media platform.

    My ex told me "we can still be friends", but I'm not sure how I feel about this.

    We were both very attached to each other, and went to the same college. I'd always be there for them whenever they got upset, or needed someone. I was essentially like their emotional support dog/caretaker. Everything had to be about them. They always had to be in the spotlight, and it felt like I was like a weird fusion of a lover and a punching bag.

    Either way, I feel like I'm missing a large chunk of me. I'm emotionally exhausted. It felt like everything I did for them wasn't enough.

    If I were to be their friend, then how can I prevent myself from falling back into the role of being their emotional caretaker/support dog? Would it be better off to cut contact and to never speak with them? I don't know what to do. I'm in this weird state of numbness, shock, and sadness.

    Yes, I agreed to to the Disclaimer
     
  7. MassiveAnon

    MassiveAnon

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2018
    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    1
    @MonMarty, @SpunSugar, @LumosJared Please look at this post!

    I wanted to talk about issues I have with Doubts/Anxiety, Roleplay Issues

    I've been active on and off on Massivecraft since late 2015, and I really do love the community. As of late, I've ran into a lack of motivation in roleplay, even though I wish to keep doing it. I want to go on, but I feel like there's nothing left for me to do, as I've done what I've wanted since 2015. I'm not sure if it's depression, burn out, or both. I've been busy in life lately as well. After this year, I'd be taking a gap year before community college, and I've recently built a new computer that meets my needs for this. What do you think I should do to get motivation back? I don't want to leave this community, but I don't feel like there's a reason for me to keep going.

    Yes, I agreed to to the Disclaimer
     
  8. MassiveAnon

    MassiveAnon

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2018
    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    1
    @MonMarty Please look at this post!

    I wanted to talk about issues I have with Doubts/Anxiety, Friends/Communication

    This will sound stupid, so I'm glad for the anonymity.
    To be frank, I am in a constant, desperate search for romantic relationships, but also have a deep rooted fear of said relationships. You see, I've never actually been in one. 20 years old, and never had a significant other, a first kiss, etc.
    Do I want a relationship? Very much so, yes, I can't overstate that fact. Do I know how to achieve that? No, not really...
    But the main problem is: I meet people all the time I'd love to try and get to know better, but I don't want them to get to know me. I am not necessarily a good person. I am not inherently kind, funny, or brilliant. I certainly do not live up to expectations, and I'm terrible at keeping promises and commitments.
    So I've secluded myself into a sort of celibacy, or perhaps a sort of box with a slit at eye level. I can see. I can speak. But there is no way a relationship could possibly go beyond that.
    I crave affection and intimacy and trust, but I do not trust myself in that situation and do not believe that if I were to leave my box that anyone would give me the romantic time of day.
    I don't know if I'm really looking for advice. I do think it's good for me to get this off of my chest though. So, MonMarty, even though I linked you, unless you feel comfortable and confident in your feelings on the topic, don't feel at all obligated to respond.
    Thanks for the vent.

    Yes, I agreed to to the Disclaimer
     
  9. MonMarty

    MonMarty Thotsune Miku Staff Member Server Owner

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2012
    Messages:
    8,182
    Likes Received:
    6,151
    So, there's a couple of things to cover:
    • I am 28 now, I had my first "proper" relationship at the age of 21, which means I was later than you. Granted I had a quick fling with someone at age 17 but that wasn't really serious.
    • Desperation for affection is dangerous, because it causes you to make mistakes and see things that aren't there.
    • The older you get, the more the need decreases.
    • Every person can be inherently boring, but every person is also not boring to someone else, or exactly what someone else needs.
    • e-dating can help feel momentary lapses of affection, as long as you acknowledge them as such: temporary, not real.
    My advice? Soldier on. Don't go to dating apps. Don't expect a relationship- Just try to put the entire thought out of your mind. Actively searching for one causes you see only failure, putting you in an even deeper hole than you would be if you didn't. Massive's most effective relationships that came from here (including people who got married irl) happened by circumstance or by the actions of others. Cripple and Maggy married because at the beginning, I thought it would be funny to troll them and force two strangers into an RP wedding against their will. Billy and Manta met because I and others made efforts to wring her away from her previous group and incorporate her into ours. Myself and my fiancee were friends for three years before I even knew he was into guys as well, and even then it didn't really hit off until later.

    The point is, the best relationships come from the unexpected, at least in my opinion. When you create the expectation or desire for a relationship, you set yourself up for failure, and failure leads to self-devaluation, and that leads to you just not being a pleasant person to be around.

    Life is what it is. And you'll meet someone you're compatible with some day, somewhere. If you go looking for one however, you may end up being more damaged in the long run because each failed e-dating, dating app date or likewise forced attempts to form a relationship impact your self esteem and dig you further in the expectation that it will never happen, which will make you blind the random possibilities that do end up coming your way. Stay vigilant, but don't go looking for it. Try to be friends with people instead of developing feelings for them. I see all too sadly all too often that people on massive mistake "being in love" with "being in love with the idea of being in love". Which are two very different things.
     
    • Powerful Powerful x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
  10. MassiveAnon

    MassiveAnon

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2018
    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    1
    @MonMarty Please look at this post!

    I wanted to talk about issues I have with Doubts/Anxiety, Friends/Communication

    This might seem somewhat similar to the last issue, but I have a person that I'm going on a date with sometime soon. I've never been on a date before and the closer it gets to that day, the more uncertain I am that I want to go. I'm really social awkward and I don't want to come off weird, especially because I'm not even sure if I like this person romantically yet, but that's the whole point of a date, isn't it? To figure out if you like someone?

    People keep calling this person my boyfriend already, though, and it makes me feel really strange- especially because I think this person /does/ want to actually date me. What if the date goes fine, but I still don't like them well enough?

    I just need advice on not getting cold feet, I guess.

    Yes, I agreed to to the Disclaimer
     
  11. MassiveAnon

    MassiveAnon

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2018
    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    1
    @MonMarty, @SpunSugar, @LumosJared Please look at this post!

    I wanted to talk about issues I have with Doubts/Anxiety, Friends/Communication

    Recently I was having a conversation with a friend of mine about a few things that happened in the past, and about a few people who we no longer speak to anymore. It was after this conversation that they asked me or made a remark, I cant quite remember, about a mindset that I’ve had for a long time now, and though I’ve never really given it much thought before now, I find myself completely agreeing with them. I have adopted an unhealthy and toxic, paranoid mindset where I find it incredibly difficult to trust other people, let alone consider myself as a ‘friend’ with people. Unfortunately, history has only reinforced this behaviour, due to me constantly misplacing trust in people. And I’ll be honest, I don’t know what to do next. I don’t know if I want to change this mindset, if I should change, or even how to change to begin with. This isn’t really a priority matter, and I feel silly even posting this, but I’ve accepted the fact that unless something is done or unless I learn to live with the fact, I’ll probably just get shittier and even more reclusive.

    Yes, I agreed to to the Disclaimer
     
  12. MonMarty

    MonMarty Thotsune Miku Staff Member Server Owner

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2012
    Messages:
    8,182
    Likes Received:
    6,151
    Establish a couple of things:
    • Establish people who you didn't misplace trust in.
    • Converse with these people to establish whether or not the remark was individual or more common.
    • Just because one person said something that causes a modicum of anxiety, doesn't mean everyone will.
    I've had a situation in the past where someone kept saying something that started getting on my nerves, or more specifically, was calling out something I was hiding. I was in the closet at the time, and this was the time when calling people "homo" was a "just friends" thing in the early 2000's. It made me anxious though, because I thought I had been found out. Turns out it was just a very normal sort of behavior quirk acting up on my existing internalized fear of being outed.

    The point I'm trying to make here is that while one person may feel that way, not everyone might. Judgement comes from the eye of the beholder, but I think you should put more stock into clear communication with others, an ask and tell, than to speculate on your own accord what the intentions or meanings of that single individual could have been. You should, essentially, seek second opinions, probably even thirds, and fourths.

    Change can always come when people clearly set out goals and expectations to each other, and it's okay to ask for help from others. When Person A states what they want Person B to do, and when Person B has a clear invested desire to remain friends with Person A, then you establish a clear line of communication between Expectation->Commitment->Payoff.

    Generally speaking, I disapprove and discourage further slipping into a form of circular nihilism. When people become closed off and reluctant to connect with others, other people will detect this, and keep them at arm's length. People are constantly giving off signals in body language in real life, but also in posturing online, especially to people who are more keenly observant rather not on what's there, but what's not there (like I tend to pride myself in).

    Is it going to suck having to bite the bullet to put yourself out of your comfort zone and make yourself vulnerable to others? Absolutely. Nobody likes being vulnerable, because it activates that fight or flight response that makes us shut down. I think you should at least try to bite through that, and find people you can confide in, who you trust, and who you explicitly also trust to give you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear, because there is also a trap in that. You only lose while doing nothing.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  13. MassiveAnon

    MassiveAnon

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2018
    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    1
    @MonMarty, @SpunSugar, @LumosJared Please look at this post!

    I wanted to talk about issues I have with Doubts/Anxiety, Roleplay Issues, Family Related

    MassiveCraft is my home, it is.

    I’ve recently came across a really dark place in my life. I am thankful this is anonymous because it’s really serious, or at least I feel it is.

    Pain in my body has just become recent due to anxiety. The cause, I can’t really be too sure about other than my close and dear uncle passing away in July. I just want it to be good again, happy, and I look at MassiveCraft in my free time to give me that,

    I do have a social life, I do. It’s just doesn’t give me fullness, and MassiveCraft does.

    I’ve just made so many problems arise that I wish I never did. The past has controlled me.

    Any tips..?

    Yes, I agreed to to the Disclaimer
     
  14. MonMarty

    MonMarty Thotsune Miku Staff Member Server Owner

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2012
    Messages:
    8,182
    Likes Received:
    6,151
    The focus of feeling happy, or a thrift to "be happy", is in itself what likely causes anxiety. True or constant happiness is kind of a facade, it's immaterial, and chasing it by itself is harmful. There wasn't super much I can reply to in your message because it was short. But:
    • Pain over loss will fade, eventually. This just takes time.
    • Chasing happiness, will in fact cause unhappiness. Focus on the here and now, and appreciate moments.
    • Allow yourself to have bad days. Say it's okay to have bad days. Say it's okay that there isn't always a need to be on your A game.
    • Confide in others, and find people who echo that: It's okay to have bad days. It's okay to "just be okay". It doesn't have to be great.
     
    • Like Like x 3
    • Powerful Powerful x 1
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page