Massivecraft Vent Thread

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by MonMarty, Oct 25, 2018.

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  1. MassiveAnon

    MassiveAnon

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    @MonMarty, @SpunSugar Please look at this post!

    I wanted to talk about issues I have with Doubts/Anxiety, Friends/Communication, Roleplay Issues

    So this is just me sharing my story dealing with the several mental disorders and anxiety I've dealt with for awhile. I just really need to let this out. There's several (Paragraphs?) Detailing each of the things I face everyday - and things I've done.

    Anxiety - I was diagnosed at 8 years old with Seperation anxiety, and by the time I was 13 I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety and just Anxiety in general - now some think at times that dealing with anxiety magically goes away online - and that you don't doubt or fear what you type on a screen. I mean it's just words right? However for me I get anxiety even socially online, not just trying to interact. Though I've tried to come out of my shell - I always retreat. Doubts always coming through my mind 'What if I come off as clingy? What if this goes wrongly? Is my wording bad? Is there a reason they don't answer my DM's? Why don't I fit in?' questions keep popping through my mind as fear and paranoia seeps in. Everyday it's like this and it doesn't get better. The more I socialize - the worse it gets. However this effects me heavily online which leads to our next topic. Hell - my anxiety acts up when it comes to Roleplaying, as I often re-type my sentences or re-think of what I say. That is if I don't accidentally post without thinking at all.

    Depression - Also at the age of 8 among with most of my disorders - I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression, to the point I often thought myself better off as dead and worthless, most of this coming from Online bullying/Real life bullying and dealing with my parents fight, however over the years - it just got worse and worse until I can't even look in my own mirrors anymore because all I see is 'ugly' or 'worthless'. Sometimes these negative thoughts will appear out of no-where. I've tried anti-depressants I've been in and out of counseling and it doesn't get better. It only gets worse and worse until I start crying - wondering why do people even become friends with me? (Yes I have sought online help, tried suicide lines, and I have contacted them both before and will after again - just to try and help though they usually don't - that is if I get through a queue and don't get referred to calling - I don't have a phone to call on.) One of my biggest issues it dealing with depression and it sometimes effects how I roleplay like my anxiety - often making me that 'Debbie downer' though I really try to stay in high spirits.

    Misunderstanding and lack of communication - Another one of my biggest fights is understanding what people say - trying to not take it out of context as words often have double-meaning to me, I often misunderstand what people say and are feeling more often as them being angry. Sad. Depressed. I also don't understand when people aren't being serious and when they are unless it's blatant sarcasm or a blatant joke - this causes me often to lose friends as I accidentally think of them mad at me - or not wanting to be around me when in reality they're just messing with me and it gets blown out of the water.

    Sexuality - I'm closeted as a pansexual I've often dealt with many dealings of bullying - even from the LGBTQ+ community, and from people itself. As they often say things like "I don't want to be your tester!" this is a thing common with not pansexuality - but Bisexuality as well, as they seem to believe but liking both/all genders is wanting to test out our sexuality to see if we're gay/lesbian or straight? I've also dealt with going with questions with my family on there view of pansexuality - they've told me before they would not accept a person who didn't strictly like one gender or the other - a very similliar mindset to some of the LGBTQ+ community.

    I'm sorry - I just needed to get all of my worries out there.
    I'm not expecting direct help - most of all I just need someone to understand.
    I respect the fact you may not choose to answer this - and if you do, bless you.

    Yes, I agreed to to the Disclaimer
     
  2. MassiveAnon

    MassiveAnon

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    @MonMarty Please look at this post!

    I wanted to talk about issues I have with Doubts/Anxiety, Friends/Communication

    I have no real worry about people knowing who this is, so if you figure it out feel free to be content in knowing that you know my fears.

    I'll start right up at the top. I am not sure if I made the right choice in seeking an unban here on massive. While I feel (and staff have clearly agreed) that I have spent more than enough time away to reconcile my issues and become an individual no longer capable of, morally, the things I did, I feel like I did not spend enough of the time away that I did seeking to speak to friends and colleagues who I harmed either through what I did or via some other action I performed that did not lead to either my dismissal from staff or ban from the server. I can particularly think about the immense regret I hold in my heart for what I did to an individual who's work I stole and re-purposed as my own, when credit should have been passed along up the chain as deserved. I feel like I spent too much time deliberating on whether or not to contact this individual to express my regret and repentance that by the time I actually did come around to doing it, I felt like (and they corroborated) that I had spent far too long without a proper apology such that my apology felt like it was meant to serve some ulterior motive.

    Back to my original point. I don't know if I made the right choice in coming back. In reality, I didn't expect to get unbanned. Even excluding my doubts, by the end of my last stretch on massive and throughout this current one, I don't actually play the game in any regular fashion anymore (I've been trying to invent ways to keep the fun going for a long time with minecraft), I mostly just participate in community interaction and trying my best to help who I can. And while they'res certainly a need for people to interact with the community at all times, and a need for people who don't fit the standard play-style, I feel like I don't really know what I'm supposed to do here anymore.

    In my time that I've been gone, I've had some list of major changes in my life, listed, but not limited to here:
    1) I left my wife in September of 2018. I generally would cite this as the root of all of the future problems but it certainly isn't the only cause.
    2) I suffer from a relatively recently diagnose-able condition known as DDD or Depersonalization-Derealization Disorder. I'm not going to give you a wikipedia article or anything but the rundown is that it leaves me in a very dissociative state at pretty much all times. Generally this just contributed to depression, but at times led to full out panics that I and the world around me were not real, in the most all-encompassingly terrifying way that I could have ever imagined.
    3) I had to drop out of university due to mental health issues, which, of course, contributed directly negatively to my depression.
    4) I had to leave my job as it was directly tied to my university status and since then have been job searching relatively fruitlessly due to my lack of motivation to actually go out and try to find a job, but, of course, with funds running out I've run out of time to do that so I've had a bit of terror to motivate me into that recently.

    It is because of all of these things that I am now led to question whether or not my intentions to return here were dictated by feeling bad and wanting to return to a community that I knew or if I'm seeking some sort of way to further ignore my problems.

    If this sounds like it wasn't read over that is because I did not and will not read it over. If you feel it is more appropriate to contact me personally about the issues raised here, you know where to find me.

    Yes, I agreed to to the Disclaimer
     
  3. MassiveAnon

    MassiveAnon

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    @MonMarty, @SpunSugar, @LumosJared Please look at this post!

    I wanted to talk about issues I have with Doubts/Anxiety, Friends/Communication

    First and foremost, before I say anything else, I think I should make it clear that what I'm asking for is mostly advice to help myself through an OOC problem I have and seemed to have always had; that problem being that fact that I seem to lack the ability of communicating well verbally and written on an OOC level.

    Now, I have always been a bit of a shut-in, outside of Massive I am a chronic wallflower and only ever socialize while at the arm of a close friend, but online I find it far easier to communicate... in text. I just wanted to know if there was any advice anyone had to offer on how to better my communication skills with those in VC and actual face-to-face conversation, since I've noticed I have the habit of entirely shutting down the moment I'm interrupted, or speaking too loud to try and get my point across which only leads to people getting annoyed. I don't particularly want to annoy anyone, nor do I want to get ignored and interrupted, but it seems there's no choice other than one or the other?

    Yes, I agreed to to the Disclaimer
     
  4. MonMarty

    MonMarty Thotsune Miku Staff Member Server Owner

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    Oof. So. Usually when I'm in VC, I just keep talking if someone interrupts me and if they keep going I just go like "okay, this bitch". But no for real, you may be mistaking VC and real life communication with each other. VC over discord is not the same as actual conversations between people, they are a bunch of chickens screaming into a void trying to be thought of as funny, while also having a half a second latency that often results in people talking over each other.

    Some communities are super like "no you talk", "nono, I interrupted, you talk", "nono, I insist, you talk first", while other communities just start blaring music and obnoxious statements into a void over each other in an attempt to one-up each other. I think you should gauge whether the community you're in "fits your extroverted vs introverted nature", and consider whether maybe sometimes it's best to just say "hey guys I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and I'm going to sit in a channel below". That is what I do usually when I feel it gets a bit much. And sometimes it's also a good idea to just interrupt yourself and then see if anyone is like "hey dude, I was listening, you can continue" when the previous interrupter stops talking. If that doesn't happen, maybe consider finding other friends.
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
  5. MassiveAnon

    MassiveAnon

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    @MonMarty, @SpunSugar, @LumosJared Please look at this post!

    I wanted to talk about issues I have with Doubts/Anxiety, Friends/Communication, Roleplay Issues, Family Related

    hi. so... i've got a lot on my plate, and i'm too much of a anxiety-ridden coward to approach anyone about these things-- or, rather, i've tried but they're either dishonest or honest with me, i can't tell anymore.

    i'll start off with the family related topic because it's been bugging me for a while now.

    i live in a two bedroom small apartment with my nephew, niece, my mother, and my niece & nephew's mother. i don't have my own room. i need to isolate sometimes and this proves extremely difficult when your mother comes into the bedroom you share together, hah. anyway.

    my mother is a teacher. she has a hard time with confrontation & my niece and nephew's mother (let's call her A) has done terrible things. she's never there for her children, simply going up to another apartment and staying there for days on end and coming back once a day for... less than an hour to an hour. but, my mother constantly whisper complains to me about A and i can't do it anymore. my niece and nephew deserve better than this. (their father, my brother, is also in prison.)

    we also suspect A is on drugs. it's hard living with someone that's obviously on drugs, and who never takes care of her children. living in this two-bedroom small apartment is making me miserable but i don't know what to do. i go to my boyfriend's house every two weeks now due to my boyfriend's mother taking care of my dental & eye appointments. i stay there for a week, and it feels like pure bliss being in a actual quiet place.


    now... this is going to be a mixture of the doubts/anxiety, roleplay issues, & friends/communication.

    i have a very, low self-esteem, and major depressive disorder & generalized anxiety. i also suspect i have histrionic personality disorder and it's interfering with my daily life, but nobody believes me, not even my therapist and i don't know what to do. i also have another disorder, but i want to keep that a secret for now. anyway.

    my boyfriend introduced me to this server, what, 2-3 months ago? i've experience with roleplay, but not combat roleplay and it makes me feel like an absolute fucking burden when i roleplay with people and don't know what to do in terms of crp, unless they obviously have the upper hand. i've made friends on this server, but i have trouble keeping up conversations. it's very hard for me because i have trust issues and i don't know what to talk about half of the time, unless it's an interest of mine... it's very hard. in addition, i'm very forgetful. i don't know what to do. i'm too scared to reach out to people in fear of being "pushy" or "weird". one of my friends also got distant with me and it makes me feel like i did something wrong, despite their reassurances.

    in addition i'm very irrational, and i always have this person over my shoulder pointing out my faults & my fear of being abandoned/alone. it's mostly to do with other people-- say, my boyfriend does [x], and my mind instantly defaults to "he's going to cheat on you", "he's going to hurt you", "run run run RUN". they're not actual voices but just... thoughts. like from a entirely different person. it's weird and strange and it makes me feel even more alone than i already feel.

    so... this is all that's on my plate right now i guess. i've tried talking to my therapist about it, i've tried talking to my mom, i've tried talking to my boyfriend, and now here i am on a forum.

    Yes, I agreed to to the Disclaimer
     
  6. MassiveAnon

    MassiveAnon

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    @MonMarty, @SpunSugar, @LumosJared Please look at this post!

    I wanted to talk about issues I have with Doubts/Anxiety, Friends/Communication

    I recently had a bad breakup and I was dumped without any real meaningful dialogue or closure. They didn't call me, they sent me a text over a social media platform.

    My ex told me "we can still be friends", but I'm not sure how I feel about this.

    We were both very attached to each other, and went to the same college. I'd always be there for them whenever they got upset, or needed someone. I was essentially like their emotional support dog/caretaker. Everything had to be about them. They always had to be in the spotlight, and it felt like I was like a weird fusion of a lover and a punching bag.

    Either way, I feel like I'm missing a large chunk of me. I'm emotionally exhausted. It felt like everything I did for them wasn't enough.

    If I were to be their friend, then how can I prevent myself from falling back into the role of being their emotional caretaker/support dog? Would it be better off to cut contact and to never speak with them? I don't know what to do. I'm in this weird state of numbness, shock, and sadness.

    Yes, I agreed to to the Disclaimer
     
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