Preserved Sheet Marie Nileri Peirgarten

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mochha

mochha

yolo
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Discontinued
:)
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Hello my friend! I'm here to do a really bad peer review! Let's go!
  • Overall
    • While the images and dividers are pretty they are also space consuming and clutter the page a bit. Possibly make the dividers smaller or lessen how many you use!
  • Full name
    • Does Marie have a middle name?
  • Paragraphs
    • Add a few sentences to your fourth paragraph. Currently it's just over two, which, isn't much of a paragraph.
  • Talents/Strengths
    • School of Medicine- Add a sentence or two to this, as you're just hitting two sentences, one of which talks about another strength!
    • School of Alchemy-Add another sentence or two to this as-well. Along with this how does she use this as a strength? As it stands it simply says she can use Alchemy, not how it's a strength to her.
  • Weaknesses
    • Low muscle tone- There use to be a page that discussed "cop-out weaknesses", meaning weaknesses that mean nothing and were simply used as fillers. A lack of something(i.e lack of combat training, muscle, etc) was considered a cop-out. Though, with recent apps this weakness has been accepted. I'll leave that to your, and your reviewers discretion. Also add one-two sentences.
    • Curiosity- Add one sentence.
mochalattes said:
Add a summarized plot line of your character's life story. The point of the Life Story is not to give a novella long list of events that happened in the character's life, it's supposed to just create a summary of the person's life, while keeping a keen eye on explaining the previous points. The life story is supposed to tie together and provide background information as to why and how the person became what they are. It is required to limit your Life Story to about 3-4 paragraphs with no more than 800-900 words. If you want to, you can include a full Life Chronicles behind your Life Story where you go deeper into detail, with no upper limit for words, however this will not be reviewed. Keep in mind that all crucial factors should be in the Life Story, as the approval only counts for the information in the Life Story and information in the Life Chronicles may not be lore canon.
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  • Things such as this are simply used as instructional prompts for the player making an app. No need to include them in the finished piece.

  • Life story!
    • Why was Marie sent away from her family at only 5 years old?
    • I would suggest adding the year along with her age to help lore-staff follow along better.
Over-all this app was great and a lot of my things were just knit-picky! Best of luck getting approved!
 
I am claiming this character application for staff review!
Expect a response within 24 hours.
 
@mochalattes

☼ Staff Review! ☼
Hello, my name is Eccetra and I'll be reviewing your app today.​
  • mochalattes said:
    Although her social anxiety and weak mindset
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    Click to shrink...
    A small confliction! From the first personality paragraph, Marie doesn't seem to have social anxiety at all; far from it in fact. If her confidence is only a facade, please state this!
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  • Please add at least 1 or 2 more sentences to both talents! For example, where was she schooled? How long has she practiced Medicine and Alchemy? How does it aid her in daily life?
    -
  • Did anything else happen in Marie's life? Did she receive basic reading/writing lessons as a child or have any jobs?
Please mark your changes in green and tag me when you're finished!
 
@Eccetra OOF, yeah. I'm just finishing a few things up on it and having a few peers review it before I post it, apologies for the wait, some things had came up and it just dun' goofed the timing!
 
Redone due to recent system changes.
Though still v confused about the whole thing. aa.

Retagging!

@Eccetra
 
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@Jonificus

Sorry for the huge wait! The character is.. Much much more redone.
EDIT LOG <AUG 2, 2018 10:35PM>
- Life Story changed.
- Personality paragraphs changed.
- New aesthetics.
- Basic Information changed.
- Proficiency changed.
- Relationships added.
~
 
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~ Proficiency points updated to fit the new system.
~ Added +4 onto the original +10 for magical knowledge.
:) Bless @Aresi for being a great teacher.

It's that time again!
@Jonificus
 
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