Preserved Sheet Laceso Fuegocel Hielloa

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Mid_exe

The Georgest of all the Foremans
Joined
Jun 23, 2016
Messages
103
Reaction score
291
Points
0
Age
23
Location
United Kingdom

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Basic Information
  • Full Name: El'la'c'es'on'io'ce Fu'ego'cel'co'ja'zó'nessoi Fu'ego'y'hi'el'lo'a
    • Ailor Name: Laceso Fuegocel Hielloa
    • Nick Names: Lace; Siren
  • Age: 123.
    • Born October, 19th 183 AC
  • Gender: Female.
  • Race: Altalar - Nelfin.
  • Sexuality: Bi-Sexual.
  • Religion: Faith of Estel.
    • Outer Court Asc'tea, Connivance of Persuasion.
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Skill Information

Proficiency Pool: 70 (+10 Racial Points)
  • Knowledge Proficiency
    • +10 Historical Knowledge (+10 From Altalar Bonus)
    • +5 Underworld Knowledge( +5 From Points)
    • +5 Hunting Knowledge (+5 From Points)
  • Science Proficiency
    • +20 Alchemy Sciences (+20 From Points)
    • +10 Medical Sciences (+10 From Points)
  • Arts Proficiency
    • +10 Musical Arts (+10 From Points)
  • Body Proficiency
    • +5 Athletic Training (+5 From Points)
    • +5 Bodycare Training (+5 From Points)
  • Body Shape
    • Physical stat: 10
    • Shape: Toned
    • Body fat: Low body fat
  • Languages
    • Common |Fluent | Learnt from traveling
    • Modern Altalar | Fluent | Learnt from mother
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Visual Information
  • Eye Colour: Jade Green.
  • Hair Colour: Light blonde.
  • Hair Style: Short with the left side of her hair pinned back and a small bang swept to the right.
  • Skin Colour: Pale.
  • Clothing: Ever changing, never a set outfit she'd wear often other than a small necklace she was given.
  • Height: 6'1
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Personality and Abilities

  • How is Laceso perceived by others?
    • Lace gives off quite the playful and assertive impression - regardless of the situation, she will attempt to seduce someone around her, almost indiscriminately. Despite this, though, her demeanor can seem friendly and kind, offering a warm smile to new people she meets. However, she can also seem a little rude and cold to those she deems unworthy of her time and energy, often resorting to crude verbal tools such as sarcasm. Combined with her playful nature, her good looks make her alluring, and her readiness to advance upon people indiscriminately can even make her slightly intimidating, depending on the person before her.
  • How does Laceso feel inside?
    • Lace often feels like an outcast among others, and this can make her feel a little insecure and often very distrusting. Her flirts and attempts to keep them under her spell are mostly to make herself feel worthy, as she was brought up to take from others via exploiting their lust towards her. She can also sometimes become prideful, and deems herself capable of verbally fending for herself. She occasionally can't help but feel lonely. The impact of losing her parents at a young age, and her lover dying before her, still weighs her heart down to this day.
  • How does Laceso act towards family and friends?
    • Lace wouldn't know how to act around her parents if she found them - in her life, she never got to feel that kind of love. Gaining her trust is hard, but to her closest friends and lovers she feels ready to reveal more about herself, bit by bit. To her lovers she feels possessive, sometimes even hinting at readiness to kill the unfaithful. Those foolish enough not to take her seriously would not come to regret their actions… They would not have the time to.
  • What is Laceso's morality?
    • Laceso's morality is chaotic neutral. She most often steals what she wants from people with little regard for the suffering it may cause them. This is not to say she is incapable of empathy, however - if Lace were to see one of her friends being attacked, she could become destructive and could potentially even engage the assailant. The reason she is like this is because of her childhood as she grew up, learning from a Yanar she thought it would be better for her victims. However, that wasn't what the Yanar intended her to do at all, wishing she could change and be a normal woman instead of being enraged by betrayals.

Relationships

Nick "The Artist" - @ChaosKnightI - A simple-minded idiot she met at a railing. She had initially intended to toy with him and shatter him, but she saw in the charmer something she hadn't seen in anyone in a long time...

Aubrey Gweir {Bree} - @JoyShake - A now close friend and work colleague in the premise, the two often make small teases towards Lazarus and Nick behind their backs. These two, if they continued to grow as friends, would likely cause small mischief between Bree's children and Lace's childish manner.

Luatris Auralous - @PurrPleh - Mother who had recently came back to her, finding her in the slums trying to find her she finds it hard to talk to her or comprehend that she has a mother, treating her as a friend than a mother.

Aamir Ahmadi - @Mistles - Lace's closest friend, meeting him at a game of Anglian shuffle she teased at him and jokingly mocked the neighbors on their first meeting, being close ever since that night. Enjoying her tormenting men around her but never stopping the fights, more so encouraging them as they drank and laughed.

Lazarus d'Soleil - @ZiggyStarDusted - A bartender acquaintance she also met in a game of Anglian shuffle, not really getting to know him too well she knows his face and his good tea making skills.

Pi Lanrieth - @Maranbella - A friend of hers that she thought was a woman till he spoke to her, often teasing him about his small height and drinking with him in the many Taverns in Regalia.

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~~Life Story~~

~Born October 19th 183 AC - 15~
  • Lace had a fairly good relationship before she was taken. Her mother and father were loving and caring, as were most Altalar parents. However, some thought it was a little harsh in her teaching of languages and discipline.

  • Lace was kidnapped from her mother at a young age, yet this was not unexpected in the city of Ssil. She was sold to a brothel after her kidnapping, where prostitutes acted as parental figures to Lace, offering her a bed and somewhat decent food, for which she felt grateful.

  • However, when the elven child became old enough to be aware of her surroundings, she began to take note of what the prostitutes were doing and hiding away from her captors. She waited until she would be able to live on her own without issues before trying to leave.
~20 - 39~
  • In this period, Lace developed her skills in Alchemy and Surgery under the guidance of a Yanar medic she was living with. She learned how to put people to sleep and even how to easily overdose them. Her alchemy was something she valued highly - mostly because it allowed her to easily and reliably poison people who wouldn't leave her alone or knew too much.

  • At the age of 30, she had reached maturity and used it to her advantage to seduce men, much like a legendary siren would. After years of living in this small town and almost stealing all the women's husbands, she left once again towards her next home. She often blackmailed her victims with threats of their attempts to sleep with her being exposed.

  • Despite Lace's mentality being most easily described as cruel and cold, her Yanar friend brought her along to a group of faithful Altalar, who showed her the Faith of Estel. She decided to continue her journey on the path her parents would've put her on. Gaining her gifted Ring of Power of Asc'tea, she used it to mind control the people she found unable to keep away from until they either passed or were taken away.
~40 - 59~
  • Lace traveled across many countries and saw many cultures, indulging herself with the Magus knowledge she lacked from her real parents. Eventually, she set out to find them after almost 45 years of separation, and with no clue of what they look like or where they could be. However, Lace was determined to find them and to show them how much she has grown over the years.
~60 - 89~
  • She used her ring often on both men and women for her own gains. One day, after many years of seducing men and breaking their hearts, she fell for a woman. Although, unlike every other person she'd fallen for until then, this Ailor showed her something she had never felt before. Love - despite her attempts at ignoring the feeling, Lace could never truly deny it.

  • Lace never used her ring's blessing on the woman. They lived together until she became seventy-five. Lace's first true beloved died from a sickness not even Lace could ease her from as the poor elf helplessly watched her one love die in agony before her. She vowed never to love someone the same in her entire life.
~90- 119~
  • The lifespan of an Altalar turned from a blessing to a curse to Lace. Her loneliness began to dominate her greatly. She sought the comfort of both men and women alike, but never kept a relationship with anyone for long.

  • Lace's gorgeousness and longevity made her strongly enticing to many. She began to be preyed upon by the Sanguine, many of whom attempted to seduce and dominate her. Instead of running, as most people would, the elf made it one of her goals to eliminate them. All the while, she mourned her lost lover, never forgetting her. She could not easily fill that void in her heart, and missed her painfully.
~123 - Present~

  • After making a stop at Regalia, she found a little house that she grew quite fond of. She dubbed it her new home and attempted to find a few small jobs to pay for it, making some new friends along the way.

  • A particular man caught Lace's eye after a few months. Initially, he seemed to her as little more than a common fool to toy with. Yet, when one night she ended up alone with him next to a secluded railing under the night sky, she found herself unable to stop craving his company. As he stuck around her, she began to slowly grow more and more fond of him. Perhaps because she had gone so long without love, she wanted to try feeling it once more - and now trusts this man to take her to that height again. If it were to fail, however, she'd go back to her ways as a femme fatale, to her beloved cycle of seduction and torment...
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Credit to @ChaosKnightI for helping me with the rework and writing.
 
Last edited:
Here's my review:
  • We'll start with the formatting of your character's name. Each syllable should be separated by an apostrophe when translated. Please rectify this.
  • The formatting of this application is erroneous in regards to the Visual Information and Skill Information sections. Skill Information should come before Visual Information.
  • Sticking with the Skill Information, I'd like you to align the Proficiency points, Cultural points, and Languages listed to the left, as opposed to the centre. This will make them much easier to read.
    • I would also like you to remove Imperial Elven from Lace's list of known languages. Lace has no given reason or necessity to know the language, given that it is restricted to Nelfin History scholars and the upper classes of Altalar society, and Lace would have access to neither of these groups while growing up in a brothel.
  • Regarding Lace's Morality paragraph, I would like you to do the following:
    • Correct the spelling mistake at the subtitle of this paragraph. (Morality instead of Mortality.)
    • Expand upon Lace's actual morals instead of relying upon present progressions that will not be relevant to the design of the character in the future. For example, list how her morality is affected or affects her tendencies in regards to trying to bed men, as well as how she may judge thieves, murderers, etc. because of her moral code.
  • Moving into Life Story, I have a number of edits to make:
    • Beginning with the Birth to Age 15 section of the Life Story, I would like you to heavily revise this, especially in regards to her sexual activity seemingly before age 15. Nelfin women do not begin puberty until 15. As well as this, your allusions to pedophilia and child prostitution need to be scrubbed from this app. When rewritten, do not reference or allude to these in any way.
    • I would also like to prompt you to raise the age at which Lace began reading and learning the School of t'Hôterie. These are essentially 24 volumes of written smut, and would be completely out of the realm of possibility for a pre-pubescent child to want, nor be able to read.
    • I would like you to list where Lace learned her skills in Alchemy and Surgery in the 20-30 section, and why she wanted to learn these skills specifically. These are not easily learned, especially by a transient whose only means of making coin are theft from the people she sleeps with.
    • Similarly, I would like you to list where Lace learned about Nelfin History or remove it entirely, due to it being a racial proficiency and therefore not requiring a source of knowledge. This is rarely taught outside of Altalar cities, which Lace is specified not to have been to in previous parts of the Life Story.
Please mark your edits in red and @tag me when they're complete.
 
Anient Elven | Fluent | Learnt from Childhood

Remove this. Ancient Elven isn't a spoken language, and it certainly wouldn't be taught whilst being raised in a brothel. As well as this, Laceso has no points in Linguistics Knowledge, so she would be unable to learn Ancient Elven off the bat.

Amend this, and @tag me when you're done.
 
Reworked most things like Age, personality, Life story and Proficiency.

Need re-review
 
Review:
  • Languages
    • Common |Fluent | Learnt from traveling
    • Modern Elven | Fluent | Learnt from mother
    • Imperial Elven |Fluent | Learnt from mother
    • Modern Altalar |Fluent | Learnt from mother and father
    • Modern Altalar and Modern Elven are the same language. Furthermore, Imperial Elven as a language no longer exists. Please rectify this.
  • +20 Alchemy Sciences (+12 From Points)
    • This point count is erroneous. Please amend it to +12 points, rather than +20.
  • What is Laceso's morality?
    • This paragraph is too short. Please lengthen this paragraph by at least two more sentences, explaining why specifically her morality is the way it is.
Please mark your edits in red and @tag me when you're done.