Hello there,
@Emo_Bunny! Sorry about the few-day wait, I got caught up with a few other things before I was able to get to you. Here is my review:
To start, please place all sections marked as "Optional" on
this page within spoilers.
Hair Color: (single color specified) A deep but warm brown
The Cielothar are the only Nelfin race that has brown hair. Altalar have exclusively blonde hair.
Katrina, despite having a cold and deadpan exterior at first glance, can grow to be kind and compassionate, and even merciful to those who treat her well.
Remove the second part of this sentence and move it to the third paragraph. The first paragraph is intended to talk about how other characters who are not friends+family perceive this character.
Though it is hard to tell what she is thinking most of the time...
It is generally difficult to tell what anyone thinks unless they voice their thoughts.
She can be rather random and sometimes a bit too blunt and honest.
This seems to contradict in many spots. Randomness is antithetical to bluntness and honesty. Whereas an unpredictable person may tell the truth, a lie, or a half-truth in any given interaction, an honest or blunt person will always tell the truth, no matter what. Additionally, the character's honesty/bluntness seems to contradict with several other points:
Though it is hard to tell what she is thinking most of the time...
An honest or blunt person will tell you what they are thinking. Therefore, it is never difficult to know what is going on inside of their head.
To those who she sees as her superiors, she can be humble, polite and even rather patient
Individuals who are honest or blunt generally do not beat around the bush, and do not appease others. To be blunt or honest is to be committed to the truth, which implies that the person will be blunt or honest with others no matter if they are higher or lower socially.
However, her merciful side rarely shows, and she has little remorse when exploiting others for the sake of herself or the empire.
Someone who actively exploits others is not merciful. Please decide on one trait and use that one.
Overall, she has learned to be constructive rather than destructive personality wise, and soon learns from her mistakes.
Anxiety and paranoia are not signs of a constructive personality. These traits, in of themselves as well as other traits that are inherently associated with them, imply that a person is self-destructive in nature. I would remove this passage outright.
In private, it's often the same, though she can easily change to have a rather playful and relaxed personality
This sentence, in context, reads as "This character is impassionate and apathetic in private, yet she is not." This is something I'm finding a lot in the personality section; you describe one trait, but then you compensate for it in an attempt to make it seem less of a polar or negative trait and more desirable. A more obvious example (I am exaggerating) would be if I were to describe my character Reval'quess the following way: "Reval'quess is a bloodthirsty and cruel murderer, but only kills in self-defense." This is a hallmark of a Mary-Sue, where you start to describe one damning trait to make them seem like they can handle themselves, but then try to cover up how negative and destructive it is by putting a positive twist on it.
Fourth Paragraph: It's hard to explain Katrina's alignment, though neutral best describes it. She doesn't see herself as good or evil, though her alignment does change with her mood, though she rarely stoops so low as to be evil. Katrina has discovered that neutrality is the key to survival, and is determined not to let the influence of others sway her alignment in the right or wrong direction.
This entire section is confusing to me, and needs completely redone. Don't worry! Morality is a tough thing to tackle. An important thing to note is that most people see themselves as some kind of all-in-one victim and hero. Figures such as Hitler and Stalin felt that they were doing the world a favor with their terrible actions. Similarly, most characters don't go out of their way to murder people for funsies: they do what they need to survive, and sometimes that means making tough decisions. Because of all of this, it is hard to unilaterally call a character "Good," "Neutral," or "Evil."
I would therefore approach this section as thus: Talk about Katrina's goals, talk about how she would ideally meet these goals, talk about how she actually meets these goals, and talk about how far she would potentially go to meet these goals. Furthermore, talk a bit about her relation with Regalian Law. Does she care that it is illegal for Altalar to have a child with an Ailor, so long as both the parents (and kid!) are happy? Finally, speak about what she herself considers to be good, and what she herself considers to be evil. It is hard to talk about if a character is good or bad from an omniscient perspective, but a lot easier to gauge who they are by discussing their values, and what is important to them.
Before arriving in Regalia, Katrina was agnostic, not coming to any conclusion as to whether a god, spirit or whatever truly existed, though all that changed when she arrived. She discovered that Unionism was the favoured religion not too long ago, and then spent days on end reading up and memorising as much as she could regarding the religion. While she doesn't speak out about her religion in public, she does pray in private, under the constant impression she was being watched.
I'll get more into religion when I review the life story, but for now, I'd like to know if she is a Unionist because she truly holds dear the convictions of Unionism, or if she is simply a Unionist because of the status it gives her.
She's able to understand a few languages, though not speak them.
You need to codify what these are, but I would prefer you remove this outright. Katrina already knows four languages as mention, practices Mariposa combat, and learned from the School of Astronomy.
Talents
Scholarly- Katrina was educated as soon as she had the capacity to learn. As a result of such intensive education from her parents, grandparents and her great grandfather, she is incredibly knowledgeable, and takes pride in her knowledge of the cultures and histories of different nations, and even her basic knowledge of sanguine and that of other religions
Linguist-.Over the years, Katrina has picked up a number of languages. This is due to her excessively strict upbringing. She spent practically her whole childhood in education, with few leisure breaks. She was taught to speak Common and Imperial Elven. From there, she developed a reasonable understanding of Modern Elven and Daen. She's able to understand a few languages, though not speak them.
Skill with a quill- Due to the the family business, Katrina has had to practice her artistic skills in order to pen maps. Her rich customers demand elaborate and flawless maps, to which Katrina must oblige. She has spent much of her life practising her artistry, until she was able to make her own ornate designs, in both writing and pictures.
Combat with a longsword- Thanks to her mariposa training, this nelfin knows her way around a sword, though her skill is slowly dwindling, she hopes to maintain a level befitting of someone such as herself.
I need you to specifically run down all schools that Katrina has learned from, and mention what level she is at in each of them.
Judgemental- Katrina is, and always will be a harsh person: being so nitpicky as to find even the smallest of flaws and use it to exploit people. As such, this, more often than not, backfires on her.
This is a Mary Sue trait, considering that judgmental people are perceptive to a fault, and are often quick to call out the flaws in others in order to protect themselves.
A hypocrite- Kat rarely notices her own social mistakes, but when she sees others make mistakes that she has also made, it doesn't take long for her to use that against them even if it is at her own expense. Henceforth, Kat can be seen as a tad conceited.
Again, this is not a flaw if Katrina benefits from being hypocritical, ie, using other peoples' flaws against them even though she is flawed herself.
When Katrina was born, her mother seemed almost disgusted by her brown hair, and was for a good few years, until Katrina developed into quite a beautiful child, despite her odd hair colour. Like anyone else, Kat has little memory of her first years in the world.
I mentioned this above, but why does Katrina have brown hair if all Altalar have blonde hair? Additionally, why was Katrina given a rather human name as opposed to a Nelfin name? Finally, indicate where Katrina was born and raised. If she was born and raised among other Nelfin, it dramatically changes the culture and beliefs that would be instilled upon her. Additionally, in your Life Story, please try to use precise dates that say when your character did what.
The years of childhood that Kat experienced are a pleasant reminder of her carefree days, though even when she could talk, she was taught other languages as well. Serphin used to travel across Aloria, and often took Katrina with him, so she could experience what the world had to offer from an early age. She fondly recalls meeting new people of all different shapes and sizes, learning about history, religions, and most importantly the culture and geography of these nations, she recalls Ithania being lovely. As she travelled, Katrina experienced more and more of a talent for language, much to her father's delight, and, when she reached the age at which she was of high enough intellect, she was taught the imperial elven tongue. Of course, modern elven was her first language, which was then followed by Daendroque, and then imperial elven with common being picked up just before she arrived in Regalia later on.
A crux of this character seems to be that she is as un-Altalar as Altalar can be. This is totally fine and acceptable, but some of the backstory doesn't make sense. If Katrina were from a wealthy Altalar family, the values of the Faith of Estel would have been forced upon her in one way or another. All Altalar academies double as religious centers, and there is little religious freedom within Altalar nations. Furthermore, the only place to learn Imperial Elven is in these Altalar citadels, making it difficult for Katrina to pass through her education unimpacted by these values. I want to see whether or not Katrina accepted these values in her youth, and later turned away, or if she was very resistant to these practices (which would entice punishment from Altalar elders).
By the time Kat was in her mid twenties, her father took Kat, her sister and brother to Yang-Tzu on an educational trip. It was there that Kat, Ellie and her brother enrolled in the school of astronomy
Continuing the point from above, the Altalar admonish the night sky, and looking at the sky is considered taboo and heretical. I want to know how this cultural stigma and religious value impacted Katrina's education and upbringing.
This is not mentioned elsewhere in the application, is this an old concept that you forgot to remove or do you intend for Katrina to have any skill in riding?
Serphin, however, gave Katrina one last bit of advice: "Take your skills to the holy city, where you can expand your skills and bring the business to new heights."
Why would an old, dying Altalar tell his daughter to go to Regalia, a place that seems antithetical to nearly everything Altalar society stands for? Please elaborate. (This, and most of my life story comments, are written assuming that Katrina was raised in an Altalar society)
Kat pondered this for many years before being told to do so by her parents, and after an attack on the family where she was found to be helpless, leaving her brother to defend both her and himself from the almost-muggers, she decided to take on a new skill; combat. Abandoning her map making for a good thirteen years, Kat, frail but nimble, took longer than expected to attain an adequate level within the school of mariposa. After arriving in Regalia,
You sort of blow through this quickly. I would separate Katrina's experiences in Regalia into a separate paragraph completely. Furthermore, I would elaborate more on her experiences in the School of Mariposa, as well as the mugging. Finally, I'd evaluate if the "Mugging" sentence is even necessary for your character. If it had a huge impact, I want to see some more embellishment of it in the life story as well as in her personality. The few small mentions just make it seem like something that was thrown in to be interesting.
undead, gained a nasty wrist injury that, whilst it has mostly healed, still plays up occasionally to this day.
This sounds like this should be in the flaws section as well.
While I see a lot of potential in this character, I feel that the quantity of things that need to change with this app is so large that it would be unrealistic for me to ask you to go through and edit the entire thing. Therefore, I am rejecting this application. I would like to ask you to completely rewrite this from top to bottom, keeping in mind everything I have asked of you. In doing so, I would like you to reread the Lore involved in this application, specifically the Altalar lore. Finally, I would like you to focus on honing in on what makes Katrina who she is, and discarding concepts and parts of the application that have no bearing on who she is. Finally, I would familiarize yourself with the common mistakes people make in creating Mary Sues, and try to prevent yourself from falling into this common trap.
If there is anything I can do to help you accomplish the above, please let me know in a private message and I'll try to get back to you as soon as possible. My job isn't to reject your character just to make your life harder! I want to see this character come through and be the best she can be, while also fitting inside of the lines of the Lore.
