Jannik Souza Sinclair

Discussion in 'Character Sheets' started by TutiDias, May 22, 2016.

  1. TutiDias

    TutiDias General Vladislav Marknid

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    (Jannik looks like this, but he has black hair and blue eyes)

    Basic Information (Required)



        • Full Name: Jannik Souza Sinclair
        • Age: 32
        • Gender: Male
        • Race: Northern Ailor
        • Main Ambition: Ban all the religions except unionism from Regalia
    Visual Information (Required)



        • Eye Color: Blue
        • Hair Color: Black
        • Hair Style: short
        • Skin Color: Caucasian
        • Clothing: Black-grey clothes with blue lines in it and is great for combat.
        • Height: 6'8
        • Weight: 250 pounds. (Muscle and height)
        • Body Build: Bulky
        • Weapon of Choice: A custom made arming sword made of metalitra and a shield, both of them well forged.
    Personality and Abilities (Required)

    Personality Traits



        • Gentleman: He is educated and kind. When he was a child his father taught him to be a gentleman. This will cause him to behave like a gentleman in conversations. Some people see him as kind and educated and normally have a good opinion about him. However, he is blunt as well.
        • Religious: Religion comes before all then comes honor, he will always serve the emperor and want to kill all the heretics as long as it is in an honorable way. People see him as a really religious man, which would kill his own family if the emperor wished him to. He always prays at least once per day. This will make him want to punish heretics and try to make them unionists.
        • Blunt: Jannik tells the truth directly and doesn't like to put a lot of talk when explaining the truth, he likes to be direct and sometimes state the obvious. People sometimes see him as rude because of this. This will cause him to tell the truth a lot and will make him the most direct as possible.
        • Ignorant: Jannik doesn't care about the opinion of the others and he prefers to do everything in his way. He normally doesn't care about important facts, insults, people trying to convince him etc, he normally simply ignores that. If he is wounded or sick, he will think that is nothing and will ignore that, probably an ally or friend would need to heal him. This makes him ignore a lot of things which happens in a day, for example, he will not care about insults and other things.
        • Honorable: Jannik is someone which will always put honor before all except religion. Jannik would never break an oath and takes honor really seriously. People see him as an honorable man and he sees the men without honor as coward tricksters. This trait causes him to care a lot about honor and makes him never go against it unless religion is included
        • Optimistic: Because of how good his life is at the moment he has nothing to be angry about. He normally sees things in the best way and people normally think that he is annoying because he doesn't like to say the bad side of some things. He thinks everything is much better than what it actually is. This will cause him to almost never notice the bad side of things.
        • Perfectionist: He likes to do things in the perfect way. He hates when something isn't perfect and normally complains to others if they did something but could have been better. This will cause him to argue over small imperfections and be angry at things which are not perfect. People who serve him normally think that he is really annoying because he complains a lot because of small imperfections.
        • Stubborn: When Jannik has an opinion, he won't change it. If someone disagrees with him, he might try to convince the person otherwise. Some people might see him as rude because of this. In a normal day he answers questions the most direct way possible, he normally says "no" "yes" or if someone asks if a parent is dead or not he says "He is dead" without unneeded talk.
    Strengths



        • Build: He is 6'8 northern man with a bulky build. All members of the family Sinclair are extremely tall, they are anywhere betwen the height 6'3-6'9 but normally one will be around 6'5-6'9. Normally they are extremely strong as well, even among the women.
        • Skilled swordsman: Jannik Sinclair trained for 25 years in fighting with the arming sword and shield. He has been part of the Chrysant War, Ranger Crisis, Qadir war and Elven war, he is an experienced and skillful fighter. In the shield he had shown to have a lot of skill in spars. He trained with a lot of mentors which his father hired for him and today he trains at the vigilant shield.
        • Leader skills: Jannik was made to be a leader. He manages to stay calm in most of the situations and command others. Jannik expects almost everything and always has a plan when commanding others. He as well is a charismatic man, normally managing to high his men moral up and convince others. He expects to use this strenght to be able to ban all the religions except unionism from regalia.
    Weaknesses



        • Bad healed left leg: In the Qadir war he got a spear impaled in his left leg, the injure didn't heal completely. He can run around, dodge and kick well, but when someone hits his left leg, he might feel a lot of pain and fall. A simple kick is enough to put him out of combat. It is his weak spot, he always tries to keep his left leg behind his right one to make it harder to hit. He always tries to hide this weakness.
        • Poor fighter against long range: He is terrible at fighting against the ones which have a bow, a spear or even long ranged magic. He doesn't know what to do against that foe and if the other is skillful enough the other probably will end up winning. He is like this because he never had a lot of experience against ranged weapons except the time an archer shot an arrow in his chest.
        • Overconfident: Jannik always accepts challenges, including the ones he has near no chances to win. He gets in battles of 10 against 50 and normally says a lot of things without thinking first. This puts him in a lot of troubles. Once in a training 5 fighters doubted that Jannik could beat them all together. He accepted thinking he would win, but got beaten.
    Life Story (Required)

    Jannik Sinclair was born as the first son of a baron of Jorrhildr on a cold night, the baron's name was Brandit Sinclair. Brandit Sinclair pretended to be a unionist to get advantages in regalia and his sons ended up becoming true unionists. Jannik had 3 brothers, the first one was born after 3 years that Jannik was born and his name was Brant Sinclair. When Jannik was 5 years old another one came and his name is Brynjar Sinclair, when Jannik was 8 years old another one came and it is a female, her name is Brenda Sinclair. Jannik would be the next patriarch of the family, his family hired mentors, really skillful ones to teach Jannik how to fight with an arming sword and shield. Jannik's father as well taught him to be a gentleman and a great leader. When Jannik was 6 years old his father got a barony in the crown isles and moved to regalia, his mines became bigger.

    Since Jannik was born, he was treated in a good way and he lived happily. Brant was always a great brother for Jannik. They used to train together.

    Jannik fought in the Qadir war, Elven war, Ranger crisis and Chrysant war. He always fought in the first line and almost everyday. He kept 9 years away from his home because of the wars. When Jannik came back he discovered that his family got another barony in the crown isles and the mines became bigger, but he as well discovered his father died because of a sickness, Jannik became the new patriarch of house Sinclair.
    Jannik made a lot of money with his 2 baronies. he currently is a Vigilant Shield guard, baron and lives in the noble district. He is happy because he proved to his father that is a great man, but still he wants to become a Count playing the political game and is close to it. He as well wants to ban all the religions except unionism from regalia. He is waiting for a next war to come, when he is not in war he is guarding the holy city as a member of the Vigilant Shield. His main ambition is to ban all religions except unionism from Regalia, he always found no-unionists worthy of death and wants to ban them from the holy empire, first gaining power for it, then get allies to help him in it and change the laws of Regalia to ban all the religions except unionism. He is a really religious man, he always prays at least once per day and he is like that because he wants to serve the emperor the best as he can and he thinks that banning all the religions except unionism is a great way to do it.

     

    Attached Files:

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    #1 TutiDias, May 22, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2016
  2. TutiDias

    TutiDias General Vladislav Marknid

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    I am worried because this is in the second page so Bump
     
  3. TutiDias

    TutiDias General Vladislav Marknid

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  4. TutiDias

    TutiDias General Vladislav Marknid

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  5. TutiDias

    TutiDias General Vladislav Marknid

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    I needed to bump this 3 times because this app went to the second page 3 times, so i am tagging some lore staff if you all don't mind (sorry if you do)
    @Plecy @Jared4242 @MonMarty
     
  6. TutiDias

    TutiDias General Vladislav Marknid

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    It has been a week since i posted this threat. Sorry for being impacient but i really would like a review
     
  7. TutiDias

    TutiDias General Vladislav Marknid

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  8. LumosJared

    LumosJared Around

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  9. Suzzie

    Suzzie elf appreciator

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    Greetings, @TutiDias ! I'll be reviewing this character sheet.
    • First off, remove one special permission. One or the other, for now.
    • I don't think a Paladin would be 'vengeful', as it conflicts with the code of Charlemois. Remove that- You need to remove one negative trait to balance it all out regardless.
    • Could you bold the personality traits? It's hard to tell them from the descriptions.
    • Under strengths, this'll need a revision given the amendment of the double special permission.
    • I don't consider alcoholism a true weakness. This is only viable when you choose to show it. Remove it.
      • You need a combat weakness, and a physical weakness.
    • Okay, so. Why did they determine /before Jannik was born/ that he'd be a Viridian? Heck, they don't even know his gender.
    • If his parents were Barons, why treat him as a slave and force him to sleep under the stairs?
    • I doubt Jannik would assassinate his brother and lie about it. Once more, that conflicts the code of Charlemois.
    • I'm uncomfortable with him 'mastering' so many arts, yet he's only 30. Focus on a specifc fighting style that he's proficient in, and the rest are so-so, or mediocre, not /mastered/.
    Mark your edits in blue and tag me when completed! Don't be afraid to ask questions.
     
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  10. TutiDias

    TutiDias General Vladislav Marknid

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    I completly agree with you here and i would have removed the fact that he is good with the halbard if it wasn't for this
    "These fighters will have mastered the art of horseback riding, sword fighting and halbard swinging to the point where only few could challenge them in single combat."
    Wiki-
    Ok so i was thinking that paladins are probably around 36 years old but then i saw this
    "Joining the Imperial Guard is perhaps the most difficult thing to do in the Regalian Armed Forces. Imperial Guards are either personally recruited by the Emperor himself, or introduced from the Paladins of the Viridian Order, though only if they become Paladins before the age of 30, and aren’t already 35. "
    Wiki -
    So for people to become imperial guards they need to have mastered horse back fighting, halbard and sword before the age of 30? This seems wrong, please explain me. @Suzzie
     
  11. TutiDias

    TutiDias General Vladislav Marknid

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    @Suzzie I removed his mastery in the spear, now he is so-so with it. I was thinking in removing his mastery in the halbard but it goes against the paladin requirement. I did the other edits and i am done now, thanks :D
    I am disturbed with one thing.... He will never use the halbard.... He just has mastery in it because it is a Paladin requirement : (
     
    #11 TutiDias, Jun 4, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2016
  12. Suzzie

    Suzzie elf appreciator

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    Actually, it can be mastery of any single one to become a Paladin, not all three. It's almost unheard of someone to master all three.

    The Imperial Guards also have no lives. They train all day long (For a /long/ time too), along with guarding. So once again, I'm going to ask that you choose a single one he excels in.
     
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    #12 Suzzie, Jun 4, 2016
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 4, 2016
  13. TutiDias

    TutiDias General Vladislav Marknid

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    @Suzzie Did the edits and made him a master in only the longsword. Sorry for that.
     
  14. TheSilverSpectre

    TheSilverSpectre No, I will not do that for a Klondike bar.

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    @Suzzie might wanna compare the weakness section here with Janniks
     
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  15. Suzzie

    Suzzie elf appreciator

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    Thank you.

    @TutiDias Plagiarism is not allowed in any form on Massive. You blatantly stole a weakness word for word from Alistair Coen's application, and made a paraphrased version of another (Which is still rather similar). Do not pull this again.

    I'd like you to remove brutish appearance and draining fighting style entirely, and come up with two /original/ weaknesses.
     
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  16. TutiDias

    TutiDias General Vladislav Marknid

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    I made it inspired, is it not allowed?
     
  17. TutiDias

    TutiDias General Vladislav Marknid

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    Sorry for it guys, i tried to get inspired and didn't know it wasn't allowed. I shall remove it
     
  18. Suzzie

    Suzzie elf appreciator

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    This is not inspired. This is copied.

    This one is a little more inspired, but too strikingly similar for my taste. I'd prefer if you replaced it, as it already is a somewhat cop out weakness.
     
  19. TutiDias

    TutiDias General Vladislav Marknid

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    I am sorry Suzzie, i shall replace it all. Thanks for warning me that it isn't allowed
    : )
     
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  20. TutiDias

    TutiDias General Vladislav Marknid

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    Thank you all for letting me know, now i placed 2 original weaknesses (i hope they are original)
    @Suzzie i am ready for another review
     
  21. Suzzie

    Suzzie elf appreciator

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    • This is written more like a strength than a trait. Perceptive personality wise would be able to interpret things like behavior and such.
    • 'Healled' is actually healed.
    • Why is he slow at running, but good at dodging? With the reason you gave, I'd assume that it'd be painful to dodge.
      • Since you have a physical weakness already, try making this more combat oriented. Perhaps he's a poor fighter against anyone with long rang fighting style, or relies on swords too much.
     
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  22. TutiDias

    TutiDias General Vladislav Marknid

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    I re-writed the description of a lot of traits because they were copied descriptions from other apps, i made my own descriptions @Suzzie
     
  23. TutiDias

    TutiDias General Vladislav Marknid

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    Did the edits @Suzzie ready for another review please
     
    #23 TutiDias, Jun 5, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2016
  24. Suzzie

    Suzzie elf appreciator

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    • In this case, I'm going to ask you to remove your special permission for now, and simply make Jannik a skilled swordsman for the time being. I appreciate the honesty, however.
    • Under personality traits, you put Honour-bound. Yet, in the very next one, you describe Jannik to want to kill heretics to the point of being dis-honourable. That contradicts itself.
    • A lot of your personality traits seem to be short. Be careful about run on sentences, and try and flesh out each one to 3-4 sentences.
      • Describe why he acts that way, how and to what extreme. For example, how stubborn will he remain before relenting?
      • To find run on sentences, try reading the sentence aloud. If it sounds like two sentences, or that it's too long, then you've found one. Typically adding too many commas result in run-ons and/or fragments.
    • This is minor, but for my sake, bold the personality traits. Like Perfectionist, Stubborn, etc.
    • Under the leadership strength, simply put how as a leader, he is charismatic rather than stating charismatic twice next to itself.
      • Rather than saying that his voice inspires people, I feel a strength of leadership would to be able to handle oneself in tough situations, and give commands. That should be the focus if he is a good leader.
    • The Master-Trained should be titled "Skilled Swordsman' instead.
    • Flesh out the weaknesses. The first one is one sentence, for example. Perhaps elaborate how they impact him in everyday life.
     
  25. TutiDias

    TutiDias General Vladislav Marknid

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    Can i make him a lower rank knight?
    (Sorry for all the trouble i made, this is my first app which goes to staff review, thank you for your time Suzzie)
     
  26. Suzzie

    Suzzie elf appreciator

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    No special permission for now.
     
  27. TutiDias

    TutiDias General Vladislav Marknid

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    Ok so i will completly re-write his life story and change the description of his traits, thanks for the help, you shall see it done :)
     
  28. TutiDias

    TutiDias General Vladislav Marknid

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    I just didn't understand what you mean with bold the traits. @Suzzie
     
    #28 TutiDias, Jun 7, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2016
  29. Suzzie

    Suzzie elf appreciator

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    You have it done with Perfectionist. What I mean is:
    <Name of trait>: Description.
     
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  30. TutiDias

    TutiDias General Vladislav Marknid

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    Did the edits, sorry for taking too long. I am ready for another review @Suzzie
     
  31. TutiDias

    TutiDias General Vladislav Marknid

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  32. Suzzie

    Suzzie elf appreciator

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    @TutiDias
      • Remove this. It's not relevant at all.
      • With this in his strength, it's semi powergaming. Remove this line.
      • Instead of perfectly, put 'well', or something else that does not imply perfection.
     
  33. TutiDias

    TutiDias General Vladislav Marknid

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    @Suzzie Did the edits.
     
  34. Suzzie

    Suzzie elf appreciator

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    Approved!
     
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  35. TutiDias

    TutiDias General Vladislav Marknid

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    Thank you! Mind if i ask when i can try to make him a knight? @Suzzie
     
    #35 TutiDias, Jun 18, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2016

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