I don't even know what I'm gonna write exactly, but I know I've got to write something. I can't keep doing this after four years. So, I'm just gonna write a story or maybe a letter or something I don't know but I need to write something or I might actually shatter. Okay, so, picture this. January 1st or so - 4th, and like. You're this kid and you decide that you want to rp finally. You want to do it because you've been roleplaying on this stupid, cheesy vampire roleplay forum for a long time but you want to do something else. So I decided to join Massivecraft. January 4th, 2014. There's about at least. It's been a way long time. I hop on, and I'm pretty blown away. Like, this is something I've never experienced before in my life and it's hecking cool - and I'm so amazed by everything. So I'm fumbling around, not sure at all what to do. And I did that for a long - real long - time. So, I finally figure it out a bit on what I'm suppose to do exactly - make a character application. So that's how my first character ever on the server got born. He wasn't anything special - i can't even remember his name. But he was the first guy I made after writing about a thousand applications and being too scared to post any of them. He had a disgusting eye covered with an eye patch from being attacked, and he never really talked or did anything - he had so many weaknesses it was ridiculous. But I liked him - cause he felt like me walking on the server, somebody who was scared and anxious and didn't want to mess things up. That's when I met my first "friend" on the server: @Ben_2025 . I thought he was like - the coolest fucking person on Earth. He seemed super smart to me, and he just seemed to know what to do. Better yet, he was one of the only people I met that was willing to give me a chance to prove myself. So, he let me make that first character - a cousin to nobility. That's where I started, just a shitty little roleplayer trying his best. Ben over the years never really gave me much attention, really. In fact, he completely split away from me for a time until I had become an Overseer for House Red. I still don't know what happened to him to this day, but to me - he was a pretty cool guy. Flash forward to the next important part of my life, probably maybe a couple months later - I find the person that would become my Best Friend Forever and even if they left for a long while, they'd always come back to support me fully @Kelpsy . He was the best - he let me make one of my longest running characters on the server: Yariel Kearney. She never really did much, but honestly - I think that's fine. She was never a silven, or an url, or did anything all that important. She never got targetted by anybody, she never had anything wrong - but she did have about a thousand romance arcs. One of them resulting in Cormonile, the necklace I still cherish IC and OOC to this day. It's just a necklace with a heart in it - but you can read it on her app if you care enough, it's not super important. Then I meet somebody who I think was the really the one who was the worst influence in my life. Who might have turned me into the worst parts of me in today - I can't tag her even simply because she got banned and probably cut all ties to Massive awhile ago, but maybe you know her: Sexyrose_ or whatever she goes by now. I followed behind her like a puppy, and involved myself in all the dumb stuff. I don't honestly think she liked me at all, but she felt so distant I can't even be sure. But, I got to meet another important person in my life. @Sebbysc - the guy who I bonded so close with people actually thought we were the same person controlling two characters. We've been through the worst of it and the best of it together, and he's never complained along the way. It was only till recently that it feels like we've begun to split apart. He's his own person though - and that's fine. I just wanted him to know that I've had some of my best times on this server roleplaying with him - even if one time that got me kicked out of a noble house. And that's kinda how it went - I suppose. The first year or so that I roleplayed on the server, I can't remember if I was gone for the second year or not. But that was that - my first year. I guess I left after that for about a year or so, or something of that nature - since I remember having left for a huge amount of time at least once. I'm not sure what I want to do with this letter. I can't tell if I'm wanting to condemn or if I'm wanting to lament or complain or cry or what. I just want to write what my heart is telling me to. So, that's why I want to talk to people directly in the next bit. @MonMarty - Best to start with the most important. Even if you don't know me, or have any memories of when we've interacted. I just wanted to say that you've always been the most popular kid in school to me. I barely understand you, but I've always looked up to you, even while I had other role models. You seemed to have everything - together. Always able to make me laugh with your well-made retorts, and making me scared when it felt like your wraith might come down on me. You were pretty cool - even if we never really talked. @Sebbysc Sebby, I hope you do good. I know we'll probably still talk after this at some point - but just in case I wanted to make sure I included you in this letter. You've always been there for me, always ready to roleplay with me no matter what absolutely stupid idea I had. You would be there to play it out, and you never had a complaint no matter what utterly idiotic things I did. So thanks man, thanks for sticking with me - even if maybe you didn't want to. @BillyTheScroofy I don't why - and yet I do know why we hate each other. I don't why because I remember I looked up to you as a role model as well. I legit thought you were a pretty great person, and somebody to strive to become. But, it feels like you've changed over the time I've watched you. Like you're somehow somebody different than I remember. But I don't understand enough about myself or you to truly be sure of that. I just wanted you to know that I don't truly hate you - I just can't bring myself to agree with you. @LumosJared I remember when you first joined staff a long time ago. I think it was during a time when Old Staff like Shayin and Thomas were still prevalent. I thought you were hella cool for being able to apply for staff, because for a long time I wanted to do that too. You were like some kind of warrior challenging the giants to me - even if may not have seemed like it to you. I always tried my best to speak to you, and become friends with you. For awhile, I even felt like I had - during my time in the Violet Guard and all that. Though, I suppose that wasn't meant to be and we split - and that's okay, but I wanted you to know you were amazing. @Kelpsy I know we're going to talk again. But, I wanted to include you. You really helped me come out of my shell back in the day. It was so fun to be able to design a character by myself with no restrains. To have somebody who was popular as you were to let me close. I think you're one of the reasons I have confidence these days, and hadn't just fully crumbled to a social outcast. So thank you, thank you so much. @HydraLana You - you. You were great. I had plenty of fun with you, even if maybe you came in after my developmental phase and I was more sure of myself. You were the first staff on this server in the four years I've been here that was willing to become close friends with me. That meant a lot honestly - with the reputation I've had with the staff for a long time. So thanks for giving me a chance, Hydra. I'm really glad to have met you - I'm sure we'll keep talking later. @SupremeCripple We never really talked much at all, or about anything of substance. I just wanted you to know you're the funniest man I've ever met. Your shenanigans and banter have always been appreciated by me. You're a pretty cool guy - never change, man. There's a whole ton of people from Old Staff that I wanted to thank, and talk to about my experiences with - but they've long been gone. Not to mention there's friends I've made along the way that have left the server, and maybe one day I'll meet them again. To everyone else: I'm sorry. I don't know who I've hurt or helped. I know there's plenty of people out there that don't like me, or at least find me extremely bizarre. I just wanted to say I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry for the way I am, and that I'm too stubborn to change my ways. So all I can say is that I apologize if I hurt you. I'm not sure what else I wanted to say. I just needed to write down what I was thinking before I exploded. It's been four years on this server. I've done just about everything I could. But, I'm calling it a quits after these four long years. I can't break that ceiling, guys. I can't bask in the sun. It's my fault, and I know it - and so I'm going to correct my route. I'm going somewhere else. I don't know where it's going to be or where I'll eventually end up but I can't stay here anymore. It just hurts too much these days to keep going. All I can hope for is greener pastures. I'll remember you all - wherever I end up. It's been a pretty good four years, and I'm sad to have to finally say goodbye. You were all amazing in your own ways - even if I never met you. But, it's time for me and my hermit ways to finally split. Sorry for the bother. And no, this isn't anything suicide related - just in case somebody gets that idea. I'm just finally deciding to leave Massivecraft forever - this time seriously. I've run out of words and tears. I don't think there's anything left to lament on - or at least, on those that I wish to are already gone. I've left every Discord, but I'll stick around a little longer in case anybody wants to say anything to me as well - it's only fair. Goodbye, everyone. I'll miss you. TL;DR: Goodbye.