Review In-Progress Cithrel Lyre Darrath

Discussion in 'Character Applications' started by Jute_Len, Aug 2, 2021.

  1. Jute_Len

    Jute_Len Fazai / Cisva Supremium

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2017
    Messages:
    81
    Likes Received:
    1
    Character Information
    • Full Name: Cithrel Lyre Darrath
    • Race: Voltaley
    • Age: 18
    • Sex: Female
    • Sexuality: Bi
    • Eye Color: Icy Blue (Mostly glowing from Magic Sight)
    Core Concept
    • Lyre loosely follows dragon worship.
    • An over-invested sorcerer.
    Proficiency Information
    • 5 Perception
    • 5 Strength Training
    • 5 Cooking
    • 10 construction (Hobby)
    • 3 Linguistics
    • 24 Sorcery
    Ability Information
      • Sorcery (Exist)
      • Element Control 4
      • Home Enchant 4
      • Light Mend 1
      • Wall Climb 3
      • Magic Sight 1
      • Home Enchant 3
      • Element Control 6
      • True Path 1
    Languages
    • Common
    • Altalar
    • Waan
    Appearance Information
    • Lyre is a 6' voltaley, ripped body with a moderate amount of body fat and general careless attire and hair style.
    Life Story
    • Born in Jorrhildr, to Syl Enmaris and Dyn Enmaris
    • Learning Sorcery through childhood and teens, then construction
    • They had no choice in that matter, abducted my a strange cahal group and smuggled into Regalia where she was freed by the guard
     
    • Cuddles! Cuddles! x 1
    #1 Jute_Len, Aug 2, 2021
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2021
  2. Follower

    Follower Returned to Monkey Staff Member Roleplay Staff

    Joined:
    May 17, 2019
    Messages:
    958
    Likes Received:
    126
    @Jute_Len Hello, I've claimed this application for Review, and will get back to you in twenty four hours.
     
  3. Follower

    Follower Returned to Monkey Staff Member Roleplay Staff

    Joined:
    May 17, 2019
    Messages:
    958
    Likes Received:
    126
    @Jute_Len After reviewing your application, a few things need to be corrected.
    • After reviewing the abilities you picked out as well as the combat proficiencies you hold, it is in my opinion that you are powerstacking by having 7 combat sorcery abilities in addition to the Cahal and Voltalar Abilities as well as 15 Fist Combat. Please lower the amount of combat abilities your character has.
    Once you have done this, tag me and I will review your application once more.
     
  4. Jute_Len

    Jute_Len Fazai / Cisva Supremium

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2017
    Messages:
    81
    Likes Received:
    1
    @Follower I have replaced a few spells, leaving me with 3 base combat spells
     
  5. Follower

    Follower Returned to Monkey Staff Member Roleplay Staff

    Joined:
    May 17, 2019
    Messages:
    958
    Likes Received:
    126
    @Jute_Len Everything seems to be in order, Approved.
     
  6. Jute_Len

    Jute_Len Fazai / Cisva Supremium

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2017
    Messages:
    81
    Likes Received:
    1
    @Follower I have updated to go with the new racials, replaced a spell, rearranged profs, and changed the life story a little bit
     
    #6 Jute_Len, Aug 9, 2021
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2021
  7. Follower

    Follower Returned to Monkey Staff Member Roleplay Staff

    Joined:
    May 17, 2019
    Messages:
    958
    Likes Received:
    126
    @Jute_Len Please specify where your character was born, and how they acquired Sihai as a language. Once you have done so, tag me and I'll reapprove it.
     
  8. Jute_Len

    Jute_Len Fazai / Cisva Supremium

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2017
    Messages:
    81
    Likes Received:
    1
  9. Follower

    Follower Returned to Monkey Staff Member Roleplay Staff

    Joined:
    May 17, 2019
    Messages:
    958
    Likes Received:
    126
    @Jute_Len Everything seems to be in order, Approved.
     
  10. Jute_Len

    Jute_Len Fazai / Cisva Supremium

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2017
    Messages:
    81
    Likes Received:
    1
    @Follower I have updated the app to increase Construction and extended life story just a little bit
     
  11. Follower

    Follower Returned to Monkey Staff Member Roleplay Staff

    Joined:
    May 17, 2019
    Messages:
    958
    Likes Received:
    126
    @Jute_Len Everything seems to be in order, Approved.
     
  12. Jute_Len

    Jute_Len Fazai / Cisva Supremium

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2017
    Messages:
    81
    Likes Received:
    1
    @Follower I have moved her age up and edited her Cahalism to be gone since she couldn't have been infected before 18
     
  13. sonofthestars

    sonofthestars chaotic stupid Staff Member Lore2

    Joined:
    Nov 6, 2016
    Messages:
    536
    Likes Received:
    1,266
    Claimed for review. Expect a reply soon.
     
  14. Caelamus

    Caelamus Sir Honeybear Staff Member Lore1

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2013
    Messages:
    4,427
    Likes Received:
    355
    The life story conveys itself as being all over the place with various studies that seem very out of touch with the concept of the character. Equally Isldar don't really exist within the Sihai outer regions as they occupy different spheres in the world. I would recommend her point of origin be Regalia as it's a lot easier to base the character's background there. Isldar equally aren't super pro-magic.

    Due to the sheer number of spells, the fact they're an Aphar brood, and that combat isn't really Aphar's concept. I'm going to place the stipulation that you entirely remove combat proficiency or consider drastically lowering their sorcery investment as well as spending some of those points elsewhere on proficiency more relating to the Aphar's niche.

    Tag me and highlight edits when you are done.
     
  15. Jute_Len

    Jute_Len Fazai / Cisva Supremium

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2017
    Messages:
    81
    Likes Received:
    1
  16. Caelamus

    Caelamus Sir Honeybear Staff Member Lore1

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2013
    Messages:
    4,427
    Likes Received:
    355
    Remove all combat, ranged included. They're limited to just sorcery to defend themselves.
     
  17. Jute_Len

    Jute_Len Fazai / Cisva Supremium

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2017
    Messages:
    81
    Likes Received:
    1
  18. Caelamus

    Caelamus Sir Honeybear Staff Member Lore1

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2013
    Messages:
    4,427
    Likes Received:
    355
    Approved.
     
  19. Jute_Len

    Jute_Len Fazai / Cisva Supremium

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2017
    Messages:
    81
    Likes Received:
    1
    @Caelamus Updated Magic Spells to allow more fleeing
     
  20. Caelamus

    Caelamus Sir Honeybear Staff Member Lore1

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2013
    Messages:
    4,427
    Likes Received:
    355
    You need to update to the new format and read over the new magic casting system. Though while you have this opportunity to overhaul your app, you should probably consider whether having so many abilities is a good idea or good for the character design as a whole.
     
  21. Jute_Len

    Jute_Len Fazai / Cisva Supremium

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2017
    Messages:
    81
    Likes Received:
    1
  22. Jute_Len

    Jute_Len Fazai / Cisva Supremium

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2017
    Messages:
    81
    Likes Received:
    1
    @Caelamus updated - Removed Broodism (generally didnt like the RP it created) - Removed 2 spells I dont think I'll ever use - New Format
     
  23. Caelamus

    Caelamus Sir Honeybear Staff Member Lore1

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2013
    Messages:
    4,427
    Likes Received:
    355
    If you're removing broodism then you should probably take this opportunity to rewrite their backstory and add more detail. The life story is lacking a lot in that regard. You don't need to add massive walls of text but you should consider having a paragraph to each to flesh out the character so their most notable feature isn't that they have 24 points invested into sorcery.

    You should also probably age them up. Eighteen is considerably young for someone who is the equivalent of an old wizened wizard or significantly reduce their sorcery to reflect learning new spells.

    You should probably add more detail to their concept and reflect a bit more on it in turn.


    Over-all the application kind of seems a bit rushed to get something out or get it out of the way rather than doing it to create a character that has more dimension to them. Take awhile, or even ask a friend or someone for help if you're short of ideas of what you want to do with them. If you can't figure out things, maybe you should be evaluating a bit more than just that. I have a character that I made recently that is basically a rewrite of a much older character but they follow in the same sort of concept and niche as yours in some regard minus attachments to previous Cahalism. I don't mind if you want to look over it for ideas or want to use it as an example.
     

Share This Page