Preserved Sheet Azrael Al-azim: The Necratos

This sheet was missing a prefix or has not been edited for a long period of time. Please create a ticket including a linkif your sheet was moved in error.
Claimed for review.

Jack_Castle said:
Life Story
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
This is not a finished application. Write your Life Story and tag me so I can review it fully. In the future, please do not post unfinished applications in the 'Character Applications' section of the forums; the 'WIP Character Applications' section is where those belong.
 
sonofthestars said:
Claimed for review.


This is not a finished application. Write your Life Story and tag me so I can review it fully. In the future, please do not post unfinished applications in the 'Character Applications' section of the forums; the 'WIP Character Applications' section is where those belong.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
My apologies I had uploaded it prematurely having forgotten about the life story.

It is finished now however.
 
@sonofthestars Not sure if my previous message was received, apologies if you are just busy.
 
Please make the following edits and tag me when complete.
Jack_Castle said:
05: Blunt [Tools; Wrenches, Hammers]
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Please specify if this is one-handed or two-handed blunt combat proficiency. Also, wrenches, hammers and other tools aren't intended to be used in CRP environments. Please be mindful of this in future and choose something else for them to wield.
Jack_Castle said:
20: Shield (+5 from racial)
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
This feels strange for the character, please change/remove this. While acting as a smith, engineer and carpenter work as a trio, the mentions of life as a soldier feel dissonant with the rest of the character.
Jack_Castle said:
03: Mutation: Exist Hallow
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
I think you mean to have points invested in Volacorum, Exist Lavvanya Mutations here. If this is the case, I'm not sure that this fits with the rest of the character's heavily Ordial/technology aligned concept.
If instead, you did intend for the character to have the Exist Hallow mutation, please include this in the abilities section and add reasoning for it in their backstory.
Jack_Castle said:
03: Vocal Art [Whistling]
05: Wood Art [Carpentry]
02: Sculpting [Stone Masonry]
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Please mark out these points as bought with hobby points.
Jack_Castle said:
Janus
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Please change this name.
Jack_Castle said:
ancient and decerped ruins of forgotten yore
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
If you'd like to have explored ruins and the like in your backstory, the character needs to have Archaeology Schooling. I would recommend the Imperial Regalian Archaeology Academy or removing this section.
 
Please make the following edits and tag me when complete.
Jack_Castle said:
"Mage"
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Please remove mentions of acting as an Ordial "mage" from the backstory.
Jack_Castle said:
04: Shield Combat
16: Spear Combat (11+5 from racial)
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
This still feels like a high number of combat proficiencies for a character without any training or other reason in their backstory. Please lower the total number of points invested in combat. Further, please remove magic bolt 1 if you intend to keep shielding.
Jack_Castle said:
03: Volacorum: Exist Mutation: Hallow
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Exist Volacorum feels tonally dissonant with the rest of the character. Why would an Oridal Aligned Songaskia Cratos have the ability to give others Exist Mutations?
 
BiBiBirdie said:
Please make the following edits and tag me when complete.

Please remove mentions of acting as an Ordial "mage" from the backstory.

This still feels like a high number of combat proficiencies for a character without any training or other reason in their backstory. Please lower the total number of points invested in combat. Further, please remove magic bolt 1 if you intend to keep shielding.

Exist Volacorum feels tonally dissonant with the rest of the character. Why would an Oridal Aligned Songaskia Cratos have the ability to give others Exist Mutations?
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

I misread Volacorum and thought I needed it to have a mutation applied to the character, that actually makes a lot more sense. Would the character be able to have the mutation, but, not the ability to apply it to others and if so where does that fall on the application? Either way I made all edits requested...
 
BiBiBirdie said:
If you add reasoning in the backstory as to why they would accept an Exist mutation and who they received it from, that's perfectly fine.

List the Exist Mutation inside of your special traits, abilities and mutations section here.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
done and done!
 
@BiBiBirdie HiHiBirdie, I have rebalanced Glasseye's points for Caster Ranged so that I live out my fantasy as a Necron to the fullest using Green Lightning.
 
@Yurs hi, updated the app, changed his hobbies for construction art, got rid of sorcery, added some Engineering packs. I noticed that Cratos can not take Caster Ranged so I've changed it out for Utility Ranged since its the most mechanically based weapon combat proficiency.
 
New spread looks great! I agree that Utility Ranged works better, and the lack of sorcery gives you a lot of room to do other cool stuff. Happily greenlit :D

APPROVED
 
@Yurs Moved some points around to get Burglary since now he runs a Syndicate. Gotta get them tokens.
 
Small peer notice.
You can only have one character interacting with the burglary system at a time.
 
@FutureTeller Yes, this character will be the one interacting with it as he is currently leads a Syndicate I will be having my other character's' burglary removed.
 
Hey there, you know the drill. @Jack_Castle

Jack_Castle said:
20: Utility Ranged
04: Heavy Ranged
05: Spear Combat
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
  • I'll ask that you just bump these combat profs down a little bit so that they're roughly around 25 points combined. You're at 29 combined right now, so you shouldn't be changing too much.
Jack_Castle said:
Deathspeech
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
  • Not entirely sure where the Deathspeech is coming from. It isn't buyable through linguistics, & isn't included as a benefit for Ordial Cratos.
Jack_Castle said:
Life Story
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
  • Please put a shortened, bullet-point version (following the updated template) above the Life Story you have now. An expansion should be put in a spoiler.
Tag me once appropriate edits have been made, thanks.
 
microwavemmm said:
Not entirely sure where the Deathspeech is coming from. It isn't buyable through linguistics, & isn't included as a benefit for Ordial Cratos.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
From the Bintaar page quote, "'Deathspeech', sometimes called 'Shadetongue' is an old language that lacks a centralized alphabet that is intuitively understood (but rarely spoken) by Undead and the Ordial afflicted like Mages, Morvali, and other beings like Archbloods that are influenced by Bintaar's essence." unquote.

I went ahead and removed it but I thought that Death Attuned Cratos fell under that category.
 
Jack_Castle said:
From the Bintaar page quote, "'Deathspeech', sometimes called 'Shadetongue' is an old language that lacks a centralized alphabet that is intuitively understood (but rarely spoken) by Undead and the Ordial afflicted like Mages, Morvali, and other beings like Archbloods that are influenced by Bintaar's essence." unquote.

I went ahead and removed it but I thought that Death Attuned Cratos fell under that category.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Nah, generally if something like that isn't stated on the page, it doesn't apply. Cratos is also not an Ordial affliction.

Everything on the app looks good though. Approved. @Jack_Castle
 
@Caelamus Necratos sits in the library of the Helvallt Church, deep bellow the ground, as mechanical arms reach around him making various adjustments to his bionics limbs, their servos and struts whirring and creaking as they snapped to and froe. Before replays a memory through an Ordial green hologram which is projected from his mind via a mechanical eye on his forehead, here he watches his most recent defeat at the hands of the Fae Knight Cadwyn. Locked in his mind is the very moment the hard light barrier surrounding him breaks... moments before Necratos's defeat.

Did some points updates, Dropping Polearm Leap and knocking pack and picking up Blunt Pack and Axe Pack
 
Jack_Castle said:
@Caelamus Necratos sits in the library of the Helvallt Church, deep bellow the ground, as mechanical arms reach around him making various adjustments to his bionics limbs, their servos and struts whirring and creaking as they snapped to and froe. Before replays a memory through an Ordial green hologram which is projected from his mind via a mechanical eye on his forehead, here he watches his most recent defeat at the hands of the Fae Knight Cadwyn. Locked in his mind is the very moment the hard light barrier surrounding him breaks... moments before Necratos's defeat.

Did some points updates, Dropping Polearm Leap and knocking pack and picking up Blunt Pack and Axe Pack
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
QHrilk.gif

Okay. Approved.
 
@Caelamus made a few changes, updated life story to include him becoming a Mage, moved some points around; exchanged arcanology for engineering, switched axes for a mystic pack.
 
This will be the last point edit I will be doing, I have decided on this as it represents his balance of brain and brawn, removing Burglary, as unfortunately Necratos is retiring from the trade, having only the time as of late to provide motivation for his own to do it in groups, so he will be taking back seat while the rogues in his command act in his stead.

Sorry for all the constant updates. @Caelamus This will be the last one for a while :>
 
@Yurs Got some extra points for you here, trying out the new Magic Bolt, updated profs
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top Bottom