Preserved Sheet Arndt Nakamura

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Pantheizm

Ugly Bastard
Joined
Sep 21, 2016
Messages
5
Reaction score
28
Points
0
Location
In your shoes.
Basic Information (Required)
  • Full Name: Arndt Thren Nakamura
  • Age: 22
  • Gender: Male
  • Race: Alt- Regalian and Ch'ien-ji
  • Main Ambition: To spread his influence throughout the sewers and surface by any means necessary.
Skill Information (Optional)
  • School: School of Turall
  • Level: Warrior (Turall)
  • Mentor paid for by his uncle.
Visual Information (Required)
  • Eye Color: Blue
  • Hair Color: Raven Black
  • Hair Style: Medium length hair that is messy and just slightly swept to the side.
  • Skin Color: Pale
  • Clothing: Dark grey coat with a brown shirt and big belt. He wears grey pants and leather gloves with studs in them.
  • Height: 5' 10
  • Body Build: Ripped
  • Weapon of Choice: Arming swords, daggers and a short metal bar.
Visual Information (Expansion)
tumblr_inline_mop3zpyI8Z1qz4rgp.png
Originally made by Viria: Percy Jackson waking up.
  • Arndt's face can be considered handsome. He has chiseled features and an angular jawline. This man has very faint scars on his face, barely even noticeable. His skin is generally pale and without pimples. His face is usually either set in a sly smile or a grim frown. His black hair is messy and slightly swept to the side, hairs also going in multiple directions sometimes. His nose is sharp and his eyes a pretty blue.
  • He pretty much has no body fat on his person. His body is ripped, muscles being shown without him flexing. Arndt's body has multiple scars from knives and his little mink alike. His fingers are thin like a musician's and his body is more rectangular than anything. He is decently tall, standing at 6ft.
  • Arndt wears a dark grey coat with a brown shirt and big belt. He wears grey pants and leather gloves with studs in them. He usually doesn't wear jewelry. Arndt's weapons include two arming swords daggers and a metal rod.
  • Arndt speaks with no accent so to speak of. he speaks Common, Tatsugo and Alt- R. He usually speaks with a calm tone of voice and tends to use slang terms a lot. Example of this is "blue-bloods".
Personality and Abilities (Required)
  • Ambitious: Arndt is very ambitious, stopping at almost nothing to achieve his goals. He won't stop doing something until it is literally impossible to do it. He believes that his goals can be reached if he puts in effort. This mostly came from him coming to the top in the gang ridden slums he grew up in.
  • Devious: Tying in to his ambitious nature, Arndt has a few tricks up his sleeves to reach his goals. These can be anywhere from poisoning a person opposing him or spreading lies to take down someone's reputation. As such, he usually is a behind-the-scenes worker. Arndt's mind is very sharp because of this trait.
  • Disrespectful: Arndt has a a way of being a general jerk towards most people. Sometimes even making fun of people in the most dire of situations. He does everything from fat shaming people to calling nobles "blue-bloods". This'll usually offended loads of people. Arndt developed this mostly throughout his teenage life.
  • Humorous: Arndt is a generally funny guy. He makes jokes all the time, sometimes laughing at himself. He will laugh and makes jokes to people when he is captured or something, especially when he is in a bad situation. Arndt even did this while in the presence of the deadly Vulren. He might be able to make some people smile by doing this.
  • Observant: Arndt is very observant. He does this mostly because he likes to have information of everything around him. His eyes can be seen constantly moving, searching the faces of others and trying to figure out their mentality. This is generally a good trait.
  • Sarcastic: He likes to be sarcastic. Arndt finds himself being sarcastic without even realizing it. This can make him enemies and friends due to people's different outlooks on sarcasm. Anyone who doesn't understand his speaking this way makes him annoyed.
Strengths
  • Turall Bladesman: Arndt is very well versed in this battle type. He's about warrior level and can move quickly and agilely. Arndt also has excellent balance and great endurance. He can coordinate each blade in his hands accordingly. His reaction speed is high because of this.
  • Fist Fighting: Growing up in the environment he was in, he naturally picked up skill in fighting with bare fists. Knowing multiple ways to punch and kick, he is able to put up a fight before getting knocked down. His specialized leather gloves help with this too.
  • Intelligent: Arndt is a very intelligent person. Seeming to get it from his father, he can think of solutions to many problems fairly quickly. He can read, write and do a bit of math. This intelligence seems to come naturally to him, some of his academic intelligence coming from his family.
Weaknesses
  • Lack of Common Sense: Arndt has terrible common sense, making his decisions sometimes just ridiculous. A man that could literally light him on fire? Go make fun of him! Orc in a pissy mood? Piss the Orc off even more! You get the picture.
  • Poor Eyesight: Arndt can't see very well. Anything over 15 meters is out of the question for him. This makes it hard on a daily basis for him. This means usually he has to get very close to something to see it, like street signs or a charging Dakkar.
  • Throw-up: Arndt surprisingly has a weak stomach, not being able to take a punch to the gut or spin around for too long without throwing up. Arndt thinks it is a mental thing and tries to control it but sometimes it just happens. Drinking games are a nightmare for Arndt and will puke after just a few shots of something strong. Has a 20 percent chance of happening.
  • Impulsive: Although he seems to plan things long-term, Arndt is very impulsive at times. He seems to act on instinct and will talk his mind, sometimes offending people because of it. This can also happen if he sees a plan of his start to fail, he'll immediately try and do something to help, possibly getting hurt in the process.


Life Story (Required)
It's one thing to be poor, its another to in poverty. Arndt was born to an Alt- Regalian mother and a Chi father. They all lived in the Regalian slums where people died young from murder over food or disease. Arndt's mother came from a rich family. Why were they so poor then? Well due to the Alt-R's being an elitist culture, she was thrown out of the family, all the wealth she had..gone. Arndt's early years were pretty much about him reading and learning things from his parents, like reading, writing, etc. By the time he was 10, he smarter than most people, due to many of them being uneducated. He eventually joined a gang, the Raggers, mostly because his father had died from a sickness and he had to somehow support him and his mother. They were mostly compiled of people from ages 7 - 21. By the age of 17 he had become the leader. This came with more people trying to kill him. He resigned from the position and gave it to another. His mother eventually sent him away to try and give him a better life. She sent him away to her own family, hoping they would accept him.

Arndt went to his uncle's house to go live with them. They were reluctant but then eventually let him stay with them. He was mostly deemed untrustworthy and dirty by his cousins and dangerous to the family. Arndt and the family went to Ithania on a business trip. This is where he found his best friend. As his uncle was doing business stuff, he decided to visit an Ithanian Minque farm. He saw how horrible and mistreated the animals were and decided to take one. Since Arndt was used to stealing, it was very easy to sneak away with a baby mink. He named it Iroh, a little nod towards his Chi heritage. He trained the little thing and taught him command words. His family eventually came to a decision, having him around was dangerous. They hired a Turall Bladesman and sent him off with his pet and some money.

Fast forward a few years and Arndt is now 21, almost 22. He was then a warrior and was great at his craft. At this point he decided to go back to the slums to visit his mother. Arndt found out that she was dead and was for years. He is now running around Regalia causing mischief.
 
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I hereby claim this application for staff review!
I'll post my criticisms below for you.
 
I will be providing a review for Arndt today. Remember; these are criticisms to help you improve, not to discourage you! As per usual with my other applications, please make your edits in PURPLE so I may see them.

For a cross between a rather short Chien'Ji and not much taller Alt-Regalian and an agile warrior, he seems to be a bit tall. I'd recommend making him just a little bit shorter, perhaps 2-4 inches will do fine.
Weapon of Choice: Arming swords, daggers and Twisting Experience hex magic.
What level is he in the Turall of Blades and Twisting Hex magic? If he's any stronger than caster-level in magic or fighter level in Turall, he will be unable to practice the other as he will be either working-out too often sit down and study, or he will be studying too often to work out. In this case, I believe adding the 'Skill Information' section will be necessary to ensure he stays balanced.
The following is required when filling out your character application. Please use a Bullet Point list. Try to keep the information here as simple and confined as possible, it's supposed to be a short list.
You still have a couple of these in your app. Although not necessary, removing these requirements from the application will show you how large it actually is without this fluff of unnecessary demands that you're already fulfilling.
  • Ambitious: Arndt is very ambitious, stopping at almost nothing to achieve his goals. He won't stop doing something until it is literally impossible to do it. He believes that his goals can be reached if he puts in effort. This mostly came from him coming to the top in the gang ridden slums he grew up in.
  • Devious: Tying in to his ambitious nature, Arndt has a few tricks up his sleeves to reach his goals. These can be anywhere from poisoning a person opposing him or spreading lies to take down someone's reputation. Arndt's mind is very sharp because of this trait.
  • Disrespectful: Arndt has a a way of being a general jerk towards most people. Sometimes even making fun of people in the most dire of situations. He does everything from fat shaming people to calling nobles "blue-bloods". Arndt developed this mostly throughout his teenage life.
  • Humorous: Arndt is a generally funny guy. He makes jokes all the time, sometimes laughing at himself. He will laugh and makes jokes to people when he is captured or something, especially when he is in a bad situation. Arndt even did this while in the presence of the deadly Vulren. He might be able to make some people smile by doing this.
  • Observant: Arndt is very observant. He does this mostly because he likes to have information of everything around him. Arndt is generally smarter because of this, seeing everything he does. This mostly developed throughout his childhood.
  • Sarcastic: He likes to be sarcastic. Arndt finds himself being sarcastic without even realizing it. This can make him enemies and friends due to people's different outlooks on sarcasm. Anyone who doesn't understand him speaking this way makes him annoyed.
I'm quite content with these personality traits, although I will ask you keep 'Observant' as a part of his personality and not as a strength. None of them appear to be out of place, but they do seem a little bear. Try adding one or two more sentences to each bullet so we can better understand your character!
Trust Issues: Has a very hard time trusting anyone. This makes it hard for him to really connect with people on a personal level. This stems from always having to watch your back in the slums.
This isn't actually a weakness of any kind, but can be a strength. As such, I will have to ask you to change it to something different. Maybe his lack of respect and poorly-timed humour could help replace it in some way?
Due to being both a magic user and a physical fighter, I'll have to ask you to add another weakness to ensure he stays balanced.
They were mostly compiled of people from ages 7 - 21. By the age of 17 he had become the leader of the gang, all rival gangs bowed before him. He pretty much unofficially owned the slums. This came with more people trying to kill him. This made his mother send him away to her own family, hoping they would accept him.
Since you are not currently leading an actual group, I'll have to ask for you to change this to prevent your character from being too endowed from history alone. This is also power-blessing your story unless you've had direct permission from lore staff or earned this through IC interactions.
Fast forward a few years and Arndt is now 21, almost 22. He was then a warrior and was great at his craft.
You can't be a warrior and a user of magic with this school, even if it's only at student level. As such, I'll have to ask you to decrease him to be a fighter.
He was then a warrior and was great at his craft. At this point he decided to go back to the slums to visit his mother. He found out that she was dead and was for years. He ran away in sadness and eventually ended up buying a book off the black market to take his mind off his lost. He bought a magical tome for hex magic and studied it for a few months. He is now running around Regalia causing mischief.
All of these sentences start with 'He'. Try swapping around some of the words that start a thought to ensure a page doesn't sound monotonous. As you can see here, every statement I make seems to have some sort of life behind it. This is a prime example of how you want to compose your piece!

These sentences, however, do not. These are all using the same sentence starter. These become boring the longer you read it. These factors will often make a page more disappointing than it really is. These can even sound like a sentence fragment if used at a poor time. With a single change of a word, I have brought life back into my criticism. Do you see what I mean? Word-choice can decide whether you're submitting a paper with the required or whether you're submitting a wonderful character with many quirks!

Overall, this character just needs more as a whole to ensure he stays original. Did you base him upon anyone? Perhaps a character of a show, book, movie, anime, manga, webcomic, anything of the sort? Everything here is looking mighty familiar, and I'm hoping it's all just a coincidence. Honesty is everything!
 
Overall, this character just needs more as a whole to ensure he stays original. Did you base him upon anyone? Perhaps a character of a show, book, movie, anime, manga, webcomic, anything of the sort? Everything here is looking mighty familiar, and I'm hoping it's all just a coincidence. Honesty is everything!
I've based him off of multiple characters. From books to movies, although I put many ideas of my own into it.

I've made changes. @Grinning_Greaser

Also how about novice in Hex Magic? Would that work?
 
I've based him off of multiple characters. From books to movies, although I put many ideas of my own into it.

I've made changes. @Grinning_Greaser

Also how about novice in Hex Magic? Would that work?
Sadly not. Turall is a very demanding school, and magic requires a lot of upkeep to prevent level dropping. As such, you'll have to drop Hex magic if you want to keep as a warrior in the school of Turall, or you will have to lower Turall to the fighter level. Your application, although now fitting the minimum requirements, still could do with a bit more tweaking and additions. You can add more than just the minimum! Truly think about what Arndt is in this world, and letting every detail about him flow onto this page.

Offensive: Being offensive is something Arndt grew up with. This obviously can make people immediately dislike him, calling him rude and the like. It makes for more enemies than friends. Also, Arndt won't stop being offensive anytime soon, he believes that people who get offended are just too soft.
This isn't really a weakness. You're on the right track, but you're on the wrong train. He seems to lack common sense more than anything, so why not let that be one of his weaknesses?

You're almost there! Don't give up.
 
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