Character Information Full Name: Aldane Beauchene Race: Breizh, Ailor Age: 30 Gender: Male Eye Color: Blue Core Concept Aldane Gwentyr is a staunch traditionalist set in his cultural values, which often rub people the wrong way. The young noble lord campaigns for anything that he deems will invigorate his political agenda, which entails dabbling his toe in the sea that is politics. Aldane is a devout follower of Unionism and centralist government, yet his occasional erratic behavior may leave doubt in an outsider's mind. Dimensional Alignment: Exist Stance: Holy Spellblade Proficiencies Total Atrributes Spent: 14/14 Strength: 0 Constitution: 0 Wisdom: 0 Intelligence: 2 Wardrobe Pack (Magical Variant) Safeguard Pack (Magical Variant) Dexterity: 0 Magic (EXIST): 7 Magic Warp Magic Snare Magic Smog Magic Curse Magic Cleanse Magic Revenge Magic Resist Faith: 5 Divine Burn Divine Smite Divine Savior Sacred Gear Sacred Burn Abilities Rebound (Ailor Pack 1) Familiar Disrupt Divine Stance Languages Common (free) Breizh (Native) Anglian Lëtz Calem Gallwech Appearance Information Aldane is afflicted with the arcane, but with no visible scars or mutations on any part of his body. The Breizh Ailor is 6'1 in height, has average body fat, and is gifted with a ripped muscular definition. Aldane has kempt and short blonde hair, and currently dawns a green cloak over a blue tunic. Life Story ⦁ Aldane was born as the son of the Justyr family, a commoner household that revered nobility and the Empire to the same precedent as Weards. ⦁ Aldane Justyr spent most of his time away from his home, preferring to explore the treacherous terrain of Kintyr through hunting or hiking without clear reason. Whenever he was home, Aldane studied the Creed and arguably developed a closer relationship with Breizh unionism than he did with his immediate family. ⦁ In his early adulthood, Aldane ventured to Regalia for the first time to attend its marshal academy. During his three-year tenure, he trained to become a general in land combat and subsequently founded his love of writing as well as experience in commanding soldiers. ⦁ After he graduated from the marshal academy, Aldane returned to Kintyr with the intention of serving his homeland. But tragedy struck as his father, Jellane Justyr, was plagued with a foreign illness unbeknownst to Kintyr's medical knowledge. Before he sadly passed, Jellane made Aldane swear to serve House Gwentyr as he once had long ago. The young breizh pledged his life to House Gwentyr and was rewarded through adoption into the family; he has had a polarizing reception in Regalia ever since.
@Daniel2stay Hello! Here's my review! There are some formatting issues I'd like you to fix if possible, such as extra spacing and deleting tutorial / filler sections in your app. Basic Information - No issues here.Skill Information - No issues here.Visual Information - No issues here.Personality - No issues here.Life Story - No major issues here at all! Overall the app is decently written. I don't think the formatting issues and grammar quirks in the life story are enough for me to hold you back, so, approved!
Thanks for your review, Lizmun! Any form of criticism is always appreciated, and I made an effort to delete any spaces that I thought were unnecessary. I'm aware you're an awfully busy individual, but if you happen to see this, I would greatly appreciate any more advice you may have for me in the foreseeable future regarding any roleplay related topic. Take care! ~Daniel2stay
@Lizmun I'm done updating my application for the new proficiency update. My only issue may come from the body shape category, but other than that, I think this is good! Hope you think the same, Lizmun.
@Daniel2stay I have a few things for you: - To make reading your proficiency section easier, please add the total number of points (investments + any boosts) before the name of the proficiency - Please include any racial abilities your character may have under the skill sections in the application - You need to have at least 10 points invested into a proficiency to get the racial boost (only 5 if it's a talent prof boost) - This is just a nitpick, but, Anglians speak Anglisch, not Axelland. Axelland is just a sub dialect of the language, comparable to an accent.
@Lizmun Everything should be fixed. I found a few errors too, so it will appear slightly different from how you saw it from last time.
Hello for the Pathfinding I should inform you that you now need 10 points invested in order for racial boost to kick in, not 5
Whoops, maybe I made that confusing. Just to clarify, 10 points are invested. I'm just acknowledging that there is a +5 racial boost because of it. Hopefully it's showing my updates, I don't know why it wouldn't be.
Oh! This is what confused me, okay, please list your total as 15 for pathfinding, and note in its source that you invested 10, and got 5 from the racial boost. After that, you'll have no further issues
@Lizmun Then I believe I am done, and ready to be approved. I truly did not know that came off as confusing, but I'll keep that in mind for character apps in the future!
Hey potential reviewer, I made all my changes in blue, and I feel like every change brings me one step closer to how I originally wanted to play the character. If we can't change the entire backstory, let me know if there's any compromise that can be made.
Alrighty, there's just a few discrepancies that need to be addressed before I can give this the greenlight. Your phs stat is calculated incorrectly. Each proficiency that is halved always round up. The calculation should go like this: 12(Swords) + 5(1/2 Theatre) + 4(Shield) + 8(1/2 Pathfinding) + 3(1/2 Hunting) = 30 (Cap). Please include all stats when you show your physical stat calculations. If Aldane holds his father in such high regard, why does he seek to rebel against him and get out of his shadow? This seems to conflict with his backstory. You have misspelled Silvershale as Shivershale. Please correct this, as it makes it difficult to reference to the wiki. Additionally, the Silvershale in the backstory behaves erratically. Silvershales are known to not be aggressive unless provoked, so why did it kill the Regalian Spriggan? Was it hunting, was it somebody's pet, or did it perceive Aldane as a threat? Please clarify this or swap the animal out to better fit the wanton violence. Go ahead and tag me for re-review once you've made the necessary changes, thank you!
Hey @Yurs , Thank you for such a quick and thorough review. You made valid points regarding the backstory, so I changed it to be more clear to a general audience (yes, the Silvershale was hunting- it meant no harm to Aldane). All the edits remain in blue, tell me what you think! Thanks.
Everything looks good with the mentioned edits. Remember to tag me if you ever need a re-review, thanks! APPROVED
Hey @Yurs I edited my app to include that Aldane went to the Calemburg Ordner school, where he gained some command training along the way. Let me know if this edit works out, everything I changed is in blue.
Hey @Yurs, I eventually got around to updating my app to the new format template, Ailor update, and progression update. Let me mention that hunting art doesn't appear to be under the affected proficiencies that determine the Physical statistic, so I think I'm fine not including it this time around. I'm sure you'll let me know if I missed something important, and I look forward to hearing back from ya.
Hey @Yurs I went ahead and increased my combat proficiency points due to path-finding being scrapped. As always, changes are made in blue. Let me know if this looks alright, thanks boss.
Hey there! Quick review. Everything looks fine on the sheet! I would just indicate whether or not Aldane uses the Advanced Racial Mount here. @Tag me when you've made that clarification, and I will mark this approved.
@ezalB Whoops, didn't catch the extra stuff on the mount page. Thanks for catching it for me. I'm just going to go with the regular racial mount for two points, and it's been adjusted accordingly on the sheet.
I'm not sure your edit saved! It currently still says the same thing as before. Also, you have 11 Points invested right now, though it says you have invested 10 at the top. I'd also just fix that quickly.
We sure do love XenForo. I would just delete the +2 to avoid it being mistaken as extra Charisma. But it’s fine for right now, thus: Re-approved!!
@ezalB Hey, boss! I realized that "Light Shielding" tragically passed away in its sleep. Just wanted to get the okay to replace it with Block Pack. Also wanted to spend an extra point on Protectorate Pack. Changes are in blue. Thanks... btw HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Damn I even get birthday wishes in app reviews now.... crazy.... but thank you!! Looks all good to me bosmang. I might consider clarifying if you're using the Advanced Mount from Mount Husbandry or not, but I won't let that hold up an approved tag.
@ezalB Hey boss! Added a few more abilities to Aldane. A charisma revamp was done right after I posted this, so I included changes to that as well. Also wanted to see if I could reduce my Husbandry skill pack to racial instead of advanced. Agitator pack seems more fun to me. Highlights are in blue.
Error on my part due to lack of familiarity with the state packs but this line exists; State Point Buy Rule: Characters can only purchase up to two of these packs, under the justification that a character is “A Commander” “A General” “A saboteur” or “A clumsy little guy,” and not all four at the same time. @Daniel2stay
@Caelamus Rats! Looks like were on the same boat in that regard. Getting rid of agitator pack then. Want to reallocate that point in the Bastion Pack if that's A-Okay. Thanks.
