Basic Information Full Name: Akinor Jei Kiin Nickname: Aki, Akin Age: forty-five Gender: Male Race: Full blooded Ch'ien-ji Main Ambition: Wealth, magical Supremacy Special Permission: Mage Bone, Mage Slither Skill Information The following is optional when filling out your character application, though mandatory when registering a Special Permission, or when your character has been trained by one of the Military/Magic Schools. Please use a Bullet Point list. Try to keep the information as simple and confined as possible. This information mostly pertains to combat/magic education and training to declare a skill level. Slither: mage, Bone: Mage Slither and bone Taught by father. Visual Information Eye Color: Gold Hair Color: Jet black Hair Style: Well groomed hair combed to the side. Skin Color: Normal Fair Chi'en-ji tone Clothing: Old but well-kept leather jacket, white undershirt, and Red-white striped pants. Height: 5'9 Weight: 150 Lbs Body Build: Lanky , Mesomorph when Staer charms are active. , Weapon of Choice:..., -Stiletto, -Regalian holy mace when bone charms are active. - Huātáo powder -Blackiron cutlass Personality Traits Humorous: Akinor loves to joke around. Sometimes to entertain, or other times for the sake of it. Even when it is not the right time for a joke to be made. he still has no problem doing what he wishes. This could make the other person feel nervous at the conversation when he does this during a serious matter. Aggravating: Loving to push people to their limits. Him often doing things to get people angry. Whether they are a friend, or complete stranger. "I will make you break and laugh about it." People often show dislike for him because of this. Dense: Sometimes being downright ignorant. He does not see things for how they are. Either feeling a heavy sensation of pride, or springing into action before anything happens to provoke him. This either gets laughed at or scoffed by others around him. Pride: An overwhelming since of confidence. Believing he is the most skilled in his line of magic, not backing down in an argument. This makes him very upset at times, almost going to direct physical blows towards others, when the premise was verbal. He often responds in ways that could be deemed unneccesary, similar to his reactions in the next trait: Low temper: Despite him liking to annoy others, this is part of him. Him not liking when people do things that annoy him. Even when not intentional. He will still overreact and get angry. He usually tries to make this known about him, thinking it will get him more respect. spontaneous: Akinor often does things that are performed or occurring due to a sudden inner impulse or inclination. Without thinking it over. He does things as such and tries to see his way through. This drives people towards a negative opinion on him, for doing things that are inconvenient to others. T Strengths Hand-eye Coordination: Learning it specifically from his father in order to be accurate with direction and accuracy with Toxic expansion. He has a strengthened ability to guide his movements to be most effective against Opponents. This is practically his second to only boon not credited directly to casting combat wise. Slither magic: Akinor is mage level in slither magic. He is able to turn liquids into sedatives and poisons. With that, he is the same level in toxic expansion, able to form clouds of gas with said altered liquid- or any poison on hand- and control the direction the cloud moves. He often uses this when fighting as a way to escape or a method of protection Bone magic: Akinor is able to preform with staer charms in combat, effectively using them to boost his strength. This is tolling on him afterwards, though effective during combat. When active, he fights using hand to hand with his steel gauntlets on. He is able to create vitae charms, and activate them with Staer charms. This allows him to deliver heavy and fast blows in combat. Akinor has a high endurance when activating bone charms. This is something that was ideal in his training. In order to stay on your feet when you are preforming ardious spell to continue casting. Weaknesses Impulsive: When making a decision, he follows a different pattern than what logic would dictate. Begin acting, think about acting, and continue or stop half way through action. In simpler terms, he does not think before he acts. Arachnophobia: Akinor has a fear of spiders. Seeing one would make him back away from the creature. He does not wish to even see illustrations of such vermin, thinking they are bad luck. He makes scenes in the presence of them, and freaks out when they are described. Inefficient right foot.: Akinor is unable or severely limited to move his right foot on his own. He is often unbalanced when he walks, making it easy for him to slip. Involuntary movement from his right foot are also very present at times, causing him to shake awkwardly or focus all of his weight onto it. Life Story Akinor was born in the Yang Tzu Isles to a military family in a coastal city. Raised by his family, he would be forced to do errands for soldiers by his father. He showed interest in the magic military usage of the Ch’ien-ji military, and dreamed of joining when he came of age At age thirteen, his father started tutoring him on Slither magic with the help of tomes. After a year, he had reached caster level, and began learning bone magic at that point. Ten years later, by age twenty-three, his training accumulated to that of a mage’s skill in Slither and bone. He was now able to produce all bone charms and activate them in battle. As well as form clouds of poison over enemy troops to thin out their numbers near the start of battle. He joined the military and continued his study of Slither magic. Soon enough, he Began to take part in the battles against the territorial wulong as a soldier in the Ch’ien-ji military, using the Vite and Staer charms on his outfit to his advantage in battle, and Making clouds large enough to cover an entire section of a village. After his career as a soldier came to an end, when he was thirty-four and resigned, he began to take part in large thievery groups, using staer charms to overpower guards or people being robbed during heists. Soon enough, he was outcasted by his formerly supportive family. His studies continued as he ventured to Regalia. Eventually ascending to mage level in bone magic, and mage in slither.
Peer Review~! Even if your character is forty-five and has the gold-eye advantage, being expert in four subschools of magic and two different magic types is simply too OP. I'd suggest removing at least one of the expert magics, probably two -- and either way, you'll need to add in a lot of extra weaknesses to balance off his excessive magical prowess. You are missing three personality traits. All your traits, strengths, and weaknesses do not sit the minimum sentence requirement. Fix that. Your life story is missing specific dates, details, and information -- when did he start learning his magic, where, for how long, etc. And who was he born to? What's his birth date? And so on. He has forty-five years of life -- explain major events in his life, from birth all the way up until now. I would go more in-depth will the review, but these main points ought to be addressed before I get into any further, smaller details. However, I applaud you in your attempts of making one of your first sheets! Overall, you lack a lot of detail, which will likely make it incredibly difficult to get approved with four expert magics. I suggest moving this into WIP, especially since you are lacking the maximum requirement of personality traits. @miner1011012
@miner1011012 Arachnophobia is kind of a cop out weakness, and would be very situational! You might want to change that to something physical, like a past injury that never healed, or maybe he's easily fatigued, something like that yknow?
Situational weaknesses are fine so long as they occur often, and often in a day at that, or imagine a weakness that does not necessarily cripple the character but rather limit them along a specialization. For instance perhaps hes not strong enough to wield a weapon, or armor properly. Or along a mental avenue give him some thing that ins't necessary related to combat, but instead think of him trying to win an argument, what might limit is ability to argue? Perhaps hes self conscious of his arguing ability, perhaps he has a madness to him that makes him hard to understand to those who don't share it.
Review! First of all, great peer review by @Saber527 , though I will elaborate on them into more depth as to provide clarity as to why they're as crucial as they are. Next, the Gold Eye Advantage. Golden Eyes effectively halve the time needed to learn a magic. In the case of Akinor, it would take 20 years to attain his first Lightning Magic Subform to reach Expert. Following suit, it would take another 10 years to bring the remaining two subforms to Expert level. That's thirty years already. To attain expert level in Letter Magic as well would take another 20 years, as it's a different branch of magic entirely. That totals up to fifty years of pure magical practice - at which point one would be borderline obsessive over magic to the point of being something of a revered scholar, or a hermit. Which is exactly why I can't accept this application as is - the character simply isn't mature enough to hold such power, nor is it factually correct. Moreover, from an OOC perspective, this is an unbearably powerful and OP character, and I personally don't feel comfortable allowing someone to start off at this level, whereas I have been far harsher with far less OP characters in the past. To alter this to more approvable state, I would like you to lower the Lightning Magic levels to Mage Level for now. In this case, Akinor would require twenty years of experience to bring all three levels of magic to Mage level. I say this only because you claim to want to make Akinor a 'battle mage'. Furthermore, if you wish to make him this powerful, you would need to balance the character out with a complete lack of physical combat ability and some combat-hindering weaknesses stemming from the dangerous practice of Lightning Magic. Secondly, personality traits. Not only are the current personality traits lacking in depth, but there are indeed three missing - there should be, ideally, three negative traits and three positive ones. To understand what I mean about personality trait depth, please take a look at a few more accepted applications. Thirdly, lack of life story explanation regarding Akinor's lightning magic progression. If you plan on making your character so magically inclined, I'll need to see in-depth explanation and reason for your character to be as knowledgeable as he is. Step by step progression with mention of any trainers and tomes used. Once these major edits have been completed, I will give the application another thorough review before considering acceptance. Tag me once the necessary edits have been made in a different colour, and feel free to ask me any questions pertaining to the review here, @miner1011012 !~
Assuming that Akinor started learning magic at the age of 14-15, which is the minimum for all races, he would only have been able to learn lightning magic for the remainder of his life up to this point in his life to even barely attain expert level in all three branches of lightning magic - leaving mo time for him to practice letter magic. Moreover, I really don't see any reason to give this character three expert level magics if all they exist to do is shoot lightning at others in the sewers. As such, I'm limiting your 'expertise' in magic to only one form in lightning magic itself. At mage level Static field, Akinor would be able to begin practice into Menatl Bending as well, and so there's no magic being removed - only limited due to how pointlessly overpowered Akinor seems to be, with little to no merit. Moreover, your personality traits are still very brief. To understand what I mean, please go take a look at other approved applications to better the written substance of each personality trait. In terms of strengths, please specify as to what you mean when you imply endurance. Endurance towards pain? Endurance towards fatigue? Keep in mind that due to how small, lacking in muscle and otherwise frail the Ch'ien people are, it is near impossible to find one that is hugely tolerant to pain - they're a fragile race. Moreover, 'physical endurance' also clashes with the weakness of 'glass cannon'. @miner1011012
You have said in your review that it would be pointless for Akinor to have triple expert, and said he would have no purpose besides "Shooting lightning at people" But with that, I have had plans for Player quests involving lightning magic experimentation preformed by Akinor, I feel as if making his power to only one expert would ruin this, making his power less than triple expert would make it less likely for player quests involving experimentation and even furthering the school of lightning to even be possible. Simply making an approved character have no merit, with the intent of the app is for player quests involving experimentation. As at mage level expansion does not seem possible.
Well, being the person that actually wrote up and tweaked a lot of the Lightning Magic, I'll correct you - mage level is no measly feet. You won't need a maxed out expert level tp go far in experimentation. If nothing else, attaining expert level in the other fields of lightning magic through player quest experience would be a lot more rewarding. @miner1011012
Two more points I'd like you to focus on. I stress this only because this is a special permission character - Akinor's personality traits are still very condensed and unexplanatory. Please take a look at approved special permission applications to understand what more you could do to expand on each point. Secondly, Akinor's Metel bending would, as you state, 'be able to lift up and push away armoured opponents'. This is not the case, as magnetic bend at mage level may only influence items of up to 30Kg. Sets of armour can weight up to 50Kg. The weapon turning however is reasonable, as long as it's a single weapon being controlled at a time. @miner1011012
@TheBioverse I have made the decision to rewrite Akinor's magic from Lightning to bone, and I have fixed the other things I was requested of.
@TheBioverse this doesn't seem to match up with the time line as the magic has only been around for 12 or so years
I am pretty sure exact dates on timelines are not so closely examined for accuracy some of the time, as in the case with Renly Kade.
@TheBioverse I have done the edits to make it compliant with the removal of letter magic, and I added Slither magic in its place.
That's two separate permissions from looking over the app; Expert Slither & Bone Magic You need to apply to be able to have two special permissions on one character.
Add one sentence to Pride. Remove magical endurance. Combine the two charms together in one strength called "Bone Magic." (Optional) Remove two weaknesses. Replace one strength with Slither Magic. Glass Cannon is a given when you're a mage, so remove it as one of the two I told you to remove before. Remove all mention of Slither Magic being near expert. Bone Magic is a hidden magic and thus requires a special permission, which means you cannot be expert or near expert in Slither. You can't start learning magic until age 14. Make the edits in red and tag me when you're done.
