Amari sat in her home... For once, it was not a place of anger, not a place to retreat in stress. Somehow... Now, it was serene, almost. Calm. Relaxed.
She sat in her room, hunched over her desk. It was almost a comical sight, seeing a woman so broad, with the quill pressed to the paper and moving as it did. For once, her fists weren't bruised and bloody from beating on a punching bag. For once, she wasn't even angry.
The words flowed smooth and fast, seemingly no hesitation in her writing... Simply noting down thoughts as they came.
What am I, really? What is my place here? Back home, I knew exactly who I was. I was a warrior, a defender. I was a hero, a champion. I was the final line of defense for our elders--My fists of fire and fury would obliterate anything that stood in my way. My muscles would form a wall of force that nothing would ever get through. But... Am I really that any more?
Think about it. I've been through so, so much in Regalia. Can I be said to even be human any more? Something another said today, it aches at my mind. They told me... That I had corrupted my Genos. That I was abusing my powers and wisdom as an Avanthar. Is that true? Have I been on the wrong path this entire time? It hurts to believe it, but I think it might be true. I think he might have been onto something.
I mean... Think about it. My soul, it aches. It tells me something's wrong--As a Von Kerle, I pushed it aside, using my new powers to fill that gap in my soul. But the fact remains--My soul is still discordant. I feel like my inner self is screaming out, trying to tell me I'm doing something wrong. Like I'm trying to force something to happen that's not meant to be.
When I reach for it, all I feel is a void where my fire should be--No, that's not quite right. The fire isn't gone. It still burns deep inside of me, I can see it, I can feel its warmth. But no longer can I reach into it. My body is still at odds with my heart. My body is still at odds with my mind, and especially my soul.
When this is done... Where do I go? What do I do? Cazna wants to abandon Vampirism. Is that right? Is that what I should do? It... It hurts to think I would do that. It hurts to think I should ever do that--I've grown so, so powerful like this, but... The question remains, is it right?
I don't know who I am. I wish I had somebody to guide me, somebody to help me. Somebody to... Explain what's happening. Does that make sense? I'm not certain. Writing is the only way I can express this now. Am I a conquerer, or a savior? Am I a killer, or a protector? An attacker, or a guardian?
I used to be a shield. A wall of muscle and fire, a wall that nothing could ever surpass. Then, I became a Conquerer--A destroyer. My wall became like a crusher. I was no longer a wall, shielding those behind me. I was a monster, obliterating any wall that dared stand in my way. Why is it that those two identities are so similar? Why is it that a defender and a conquerer are so similar that I would never even notice myself slipping between these identities?
I need more time to think. Cazna, she seems to know what she wants. Irel, too, and Ania. Even Aschwald seems to know. Hell, just a day ago, I was so certain I wanted to be a conquerer--I sent out an active challenge to everybody. I wanted to prove myself, to prove my strength, by evading every single one of them. The goal was to evade every one of them... And failing that, I would kill any who reached me. I would walk a trail of blood, to Ascend to godhood.
Why did I ever want that? I so desperately want to be stronger, but... Could I really kill somebody to do that? Could I really challenge monsters like that? I... Don't know, and that's another thing that hurts. I don't know what I'm capable of. With my fire, there's a darkness that I now know of--A dark void that seeks power. It doesn't fight against my fire, no--It seems almost to stem from it. A darkness, that makes me crave power--No matter what it takes.
What do I want to do with that power? Sone asked me that question, and I couldn't answer it as a Von Kerle. But now, as a Rokhaal, I think I understand what I want. I'm going to protect everybody I care about. I'm going to help the world--I'm going to be a shield. My muscle, my power, it's incredible. I think... I need to use it for someone else, rather than myself. Even if just for a time. Even if just to repent for the pain I've caused.
I don't know who to come to with these concerns. I don't know who to talk to. Would they think I was crazy? Would they understand? I don't know--Regalian philosophy feels so alien sometimes. If nothing else... I can at least fill my journal.
She sat in her room, hunched over her desk. It was almost a comical sight, seeing a woman so broad, with the quill pressed to the paper and moving as it did. For once, her fists weren't bruised and bloody from beating on a punching bag. For once, she wasn't even angry.
The words flowed smooth and fast, seemingly no hesitation in her writing... Simply noting down thoughts as they came.
What am I, really? What is my place here? Back home, I knew exactly who I was. I was a warrior, a defender. I was a hero, a champion. I was the final line of defense for our elders--My fists of fire and fury would obliterate anything that stood in my way. My muscles would form a wall of force that nothing would ever get through. But... Am I really that any more?
Think about it. I've been through so, so much in Regalia. Can I be said to even be human any more? Something another said today, it aches at my mind. They told me... That I had corrupted my Genos. That I was abusing my powers and wisdom as an Avanthar. Is that true? Have I been on the wrong path this entire time? It hurts to believe it, but I think it might be true. I think he might have been onto something.
I mean... Think about it. My soul, it aches. It tells me something's wrong--As a Von Kerle, I pushed it aside, using my new powers to fill that gap in my soul. But the fact remains--My soul is still discordant. I feel like my inner self is screaming out, trying to tell me I'm doing something wrong. Like I'm trying to force something to happen that's not meant to be.
When I reach for it, all I feel is a void where my fire should be--No, that's not quite right. The fire isn't gone. It still burns deep inside of me, I can see it, I can feel its warmth. But no longer can I reach into it. My body is still at odds with my heart. My body is still at odds with my mind, and especially my soul.
When this is done... Where do I go? What do I do? Cazna wants to abandon Vampirism. Is that right? Is that what I should do? It... It hurts to think I would do that. It hurts to think I should ever do that--I've grown so, so powerful like this, but... The question remains, is it right?
I don't know who I am. I wish I had somebody to guide me, somebody to help me. Somebody to... Explain what's happening. Does that make sense? I'm not certain. Writing is the only way I can express this now. Am I a conquerer, or a savior? Am I a killer, or a protector? An attacker, or a guardian?
I used to be a shield. A wall of muscle and fire, a wall that nothing could ever surpass. Then, I became a Conquerer--A destroyer. My wall became like a crusher. I was no longer a wall, shielding those behind me. I was a monster, obliterating any wall that dared stand in my way. Why is it that those two identities are so similar? Why is it that a defender and a conquerer are so similar that I would never even notice myself slipping between these identities?
I need more time to think. Cazna, she seems to know what she wants. Irel, too, and Ania. Even Aschwald seems to know. Hell, just a day ago, I was so certain I wanted to be a conquerer--I sent out an active challenge to everybody. I wanted to prove myself, to prove my strength, by evading every single one of them. The goal was to evade every one of them... And failing that, I would kill any who reached me. I would walk a trail of blood, to Ascend to godhood.
Why did I ever want that? I so desperately want to be stronger, but... Could I really kill somebody to do that? Could I really challenge monsters like that? I... Don't know, and that's another thing that hurts. I don't know what I'm capable of. With my fire, there's a darkness that I now know of--A dark void that seeks power. It doesn't fight against my fire, no--It seems almost to stem from it. A darkness, that makes me crave power--No matter what it takes.
What do I want to do with that power? Sone asked me that question, and I couldn't answer it as a Von Kerle. But now, as a Rokhaal, I think I understand what I want. I'm going to protect everybody I care about. I'm going to help the world--I'm going to be a shield. My muscle, my power, it's incredible. I think... I need to use it for someone else, rather than myself. Even if just for a time. Even if just to repent for the pain I've caused.
I don't know who to come to with these concerns. I don't know who to talk to. Would they think I was crazy? Would they understand? I don't know--Regalian philosophy feels so alien sometimes. If nothing else... I can at least fill my journal.
