To Seamus Gowan of Dungarron
___Good health to you, friend, and blessings on you and your household. I hope that you will still permit me to call you friend, as one who would become my father, but given the circumstances, I understand that you may not. And though it will grieve me if you do not, it is not for friendship that I write to you now. It is for forgiveness. You will remember that summer when the young men went away to fight for our laird. Many did not return, including Daniel. I realise that over six years is far too long to not know his fate and that perhaps this will only open old wounds, but as his father, it is your right to know. What you choose to do afterward is your decision.
___It was at Deargmuir that we fought - about a three day's march south of the village, near the sea - and the locals say that weather changes swiftly in those parts. We could smell rain on the air, but still we were ordered to prepare for battle and we obeyed. The wind came first, carrying a storm from the south-west, and quickly the sheets of rain turned the ground to mud and hid our faces. Daniel and I fought back-to-back for a while, but became separated in the increasingly desperate chaos, until we found one another again. But by this point, every man was sodden and covered in mud, fighting only for his life as it became difficult to tell friend from foe. We did not know that we had found each other and, in the confusion, I found myself fighting desperately against someone I did not know. It was only when he fell and the mud was washed from the dead man's face that I recognised my dearth-brother.
___He did not deserve it - he was a good and brave man, much better than myself - but yet, he died there instead of me. And if I had, perhaps he would have come home to you. I don't understand why it happened this way and I cannot through any act of grief or penance bring him back. But I can express my deep contrition and perhaps offer you some small comfort. First of all, he did receive a good burial, which is a blessing in itself for those fallen in battle. I took him from the battlefield that night and buried him beneath the great yew tree standing there and piled a cairn from the rocks of a nearby outcrop, saying a prayer with each stone. It should be easy to find, if you so wish.
___Secondly, as you no doubt have noticed, I have enclosed a small sum of money with this message. I've little to give, but what I've saved is with this message and what I can spare will continue to come your way for as long as you will allow me. It is not blood-money, I know that is beyond my ability, but perhaps it can be used to sustain your smithy or go to Mharie for a better life than I could give her. Finally, know that I have prayed for his soul and your family every day since, and will continue to do so to the end of my days. Even if you cannot forgive me, still I will pray.
___I hesitate to say this but, as you know, nobody else in Dungarron has heard from me since and presumably believe I'm laying beneath the ground under Deargmuir. For the sake of my family, especially my sister and brother, I ask that it stay that way. Not for my sake - heaven knows I can ask nothing from you - but for your friendship with my father and for the future of Katie and Colm. I don't want them to be stained by what I have done, but it is your choice. I am living in Regalia now and, though I had hoped to come home one day, I am prepared to stay there if you wish to never see me again. Or, if you do wish to see me for any reason, I will freely meet with you at a place of your choosing.
___Good days to you, and may you find peace.
Alasdair Douglas
___Good health to you, friend, and blessings on you and your household. I hope that you will still permit me to call you friend, as one who would become my father, but given the circumstances, I understand that you may not. And though it will grieve me if you do not, it is not for friendship that I write to you now. It is for forgiveness. You will remember that summer when the young men went away to fight for our laird. Many did not return, including Daniel. I realise that over six years is far too long to not know his fate and that perhaps this will only open old wounds, but as his father, it is your right to know. What you choose to do afterward is your decision.
___It was at Deargmuir that we fought - about a three day's march south of the village, near the sea - and the locals say that weather changes swiftly in those parts. We could smell rain on the air, but still we were ordered to prepare for battle and we obeyed. The wind came first, carrying a storm from the south-west, and quickly the sheets of rain turned the ground to mud and hid our faces. Daniel and I fought back-to-back for a while, but became separated in the increasingly desperate chaos, until we found one another again. But by this point, every man was sodden and covered in mud, fighting only for his life as it became difficult to tell friend from foe. We did not know that we had found each other and, in the confusion, I found myself fighting desperately against someone I did not know. It was only when he fell and the mud was washed from the dead man's face that I recognised my dearth-brother.
___He did not deserve it - he was a good and brave man, much better than myself - but yet, he died there instead of me. And if I had, perhaps he would have come home to you. I don't understand why it happened this way and I cannot through any act of grief or penance bring him back. But I can express my deep contrition and perhaps offer you some small comfort. First of all, he did receive a good burial, which is a blessing in itself for those fallen in battle. I took him from the battlefield that night and buried him beneath the great yew tree standing there and piled a cairn from the rocks of a nearby outcrop, saying a prayer with each stone. It should be easy to find, if you so wish.
___Secondly, as you no doubt have noticed, I have enclosed a small sum of money with this message. I've little to give, but what I've saved is with this message and what I can spare will continue to come your way for as long as you will allow me. It is not blood-money, I know that is beyond my ability, but perhaps it can be used to sustain your smithy or go to Mharie for a better life than I could give her. Finally, know that I have prayed for his soul and your family every day since, and will continue to do so to the end of my days. Even if you cannot forgive me, still I will pray.
___I hesitate to say this but, as you know, nobody else in Dungarron has heard from me since and presumably believe I'm laying beneath the ground under Deargmuir. For the sake of my family, especially my sister and brother, I ask that it stay that way. Not for my sake - heaven knows I can ask nothing from you - but for your friendship with my father and for the future of Katie and Colm. I don't want them to be stained by what I have done, but it is your choice. I am living in Regalia now and, though I had hoped to come home one day, I am prepared to stay there if you wish to never see me again. Or, if you do wish to see me for any reason, I will freely meet with you at a place of your choosing.
___Good days to you, and may you find peace.
Alasdair Douglas
