Maximus Krupp ♫♫♫ Basic Information (Required) Full Name: Maximus Krupp “the Stalwart”, “Lysander Blackwood”, "the Manhunter". Race: Ailor - Velheim. Age: 43. Sex: Male. Gender: Male. Sexuality: Heterosexual. Eye colour: Blue. Core Concept Devout Unionist, evident in his service as an Imperial Guardsman and within the Inquisition. A former Imperial Guardsman now working under House Howlester with a new name, following his “execution”. Proficiency Information Greatsword Combat (+20 from Proficiency). Strength Training (+5 from Proficiency, +5 from boost). Two-hand Blunt Combat (+10 from Proficiency). Fist Combat (+10 from Proficiency). Shielding Combat (+5 from Proficiency). Hunting Art (+10 from Hobby Points). Physical Stat = 30 Languages Common (learned in childhood) Skodje (taught by mother at home) Appearance Information His right arm and the entire right side of his torso is covered in a large burn mark, with a blade scar down the right side of his face. He has messy ginger hair that he tends to just push back to keep out of his face, with a messy beard to compliment it. Standing at 6’3” he is on the larger side of his family in terms of both height and muscle. Life Story (Required) Childhood Maximus Krupp was born on a hot summer's day to Ambolgrod Krupp and his Drixagh wife Ronnet. Born several years after Virathus, much attention was afforded to him as opposed to his older and rowdy brothers. A fateful winter when Maximus was six he was asked by one of the family's sadistic bannermen that was disgusted by his father’s marriage to a tribal leader to retrieve a burning stick from the fireplace to use as a torch; he wanted to see the woman punished for joining the Krupp family. Maximus wasn’t too sure about doing this at first, but he was convinced that all torches were made this way. Innocently enough, he accepted the logic. Not ending very well for Maximus, his right arm and torso was completely burned, also developing his pyrophobia. For this betrayal, the bannerman was promptly dealt with and executed by Maximus’ own father. Until he reached around the age of ten, Maximus refused to go near any fire, which proved to be a source of illness for the boy on the cold Krupp mountain. Spending most of his time watching warriors from all around duel each other. Though usually being bullied for being overweight by other children and even some adults. Teens When Maximus reached the age of twelve he decided to start training to become one of the knights he had seen a few years ago, though he was usually put off by the rest of his family due to him being so small and fat. He began having his growth spurts at thirteen though, encouraged by his ever-increasing height and finally ‘filling out’ as his brothers would say, Maximus decided to begin an intensive training regime with the levy men at the Krupp Keep. At the age of fifteen, he had been larger than most fully grown men and made fools of his many sparring partners. At this time his father also decided to send him to the Feer-Drakken school in Magnaar to train and become a mighty warrior. Late twenties Now standing at a massive 6ft 3 and with a few years of solid training and military experience, Maximus was now a fear-inspiring sight. He didn’t gain many friends; he was as strong as he was cruel, earning citations for causing unnecessary harm. Maximus decided to intensify his training so that he could become an unstoppable force by the time he left the school, less and less concerned with any camaraderie with his weak peers. With his new training and abilities, Maximus returned to his family. Here he joined them on many raids into the Calemberger lands held by Ulric Typhonus. Arrival in Regalia By the time he was 43, Maximus had spent a whole year in Regalia, and in this short space of time he achieved his goal of joining the Imperial Guard, forskaing his family and slaying his brother as a result. Following his honourable discharge from the Imperial Guard, Maximus went on to become a Baron, and a member of the Regalian Inquisition. However his nobility did not last long following the beginning of a war with Calemberg that would eventually result in the Allied Northern factions' defeat. After this Maximus continued to lurk within the city of Regalia where he’d reunite with his close friend Vulmar, joining him as a member of the Good Company. This mercenary group would eventually find itself under the threat of execution for treason following their antics within the city of Regalia, leading Maximus to a final stand-off with Rodrigo Peirgarten. Who eventually defeated Maximus, dragging him off to Greygate for execution. Now Upon arriving at Greygate, Maximus was taken to the execution block. Where his execution was to be done publicly, to the approval of many within the City. However, following his humiliation by William Howlester, he was taken back inside Greygate, and locked in an isolation cell for several days. Until one day he was summoned to a meeting chamber within the Prison. Here he was given two options, death or service. Desperate to save himself, Maximus accepted his oaths to Howlester and changed his name to “Lysander Blackwood”. He continued to serve the Howlesters faithfully up until his disappearance. Though rumour has it, Maximus has returned, and searches for his former masters.
Here's my review. While I know the Krupp family is Opper Calem, it's always best to specify what culture of Ailor a character is in the race line. This is not a required edit, but more of a suggestion on writing since I can tell your writing has improved intensely. Try not to speak in the second person as often. What this means is don't say "if you were to meet Maximus for the first time you would think of him as a huge mindless brute," but rather "if one was to meet Maximus for the first time, he would think of him as a huge, mindless brute." As I said, this is not an edit, just a suggestion for writing. Add three sentences to the first personality paragraph, one to the third, and two to the fourth. Remove the tactical strength or make him officially educated in the School of Bannership. Add his skill in Feer-Drakken as a strength. Why would a bannerman deliberately convince a child to give itself a third degree burn? Those Krupps /are/ good stock. Brownie points for mentioning that in the life story. :) Make the edits in red and tag me when you're done.
@Xref74 Review time: You have more proficiency points than you've used here. You get 10 free Hobby Points and 10 free Talent Points in addition to what you've got in age. Additionally, Bolven lineage have a racial boost of 5 to your choice of one between Hunting Art, Strength Training, and Two-Hand Blunt Combat which requires an initial investment of 5 to activate. In other words, you can apply that to your Hunting Art* (no longer called Hunting Knowledge) and have 5 points for use elsewhere. You can read more on this at the proficiency page on the wiki. If you don't want to use these points that's fine but make a note of it. The personality section's format is out of date. Please update to one of the two options presented on the template here. The life story section about his burn ends inconclusively. Did anything happen to the bannerman? How did his family take it? His visual info lists his height at 6'8" but the life story says he's 6'6" in his late 20s Please make changes in purple and tag me when they're complete.
@Azas Hey sorry I disappeared, finally found some time to return to the server though. I've updated the character application to follow the new template.
