Name: Shileus Elumorn Race: Altalar (Fully) and is a Theism. Parents: Ailor and Altalar. Age: 112 Gender: He/Him Sexuality:Bi Eye color: Red (Vampirism) his eyes are normally grey. Core Concept Shileus' public job is an Alchemist, who had a troubled life of crime growing up after the untimely death of the two parents of which he loved. He now continues this path as a worshipper of the Void God Carraq. Proficiency Information 18/18 Strength-7 Thin Blades Pack Axe Pack Flexible Pack Wisdom-5 Healing alchemy pack Obstructive alchemy pack Charisma-5 Empire Linguist Pack Bruteforce Pack Dexterity-1 Pistol Pack Ability Information Arcane Mastery 1 (Racial ability, Altalar) Subjugation Immune *Disrupt Channel *Home Advantage *Omniaware *Home Teleport *Weapon Summon *Armor Summon *Snaring Immune *Puretek Immune *Magic Healing *Instant Leap Vampirism Abilities=* Language Information Empire Linguist Pack Appearance Information 6'3 has black hair, he wears a velvet suit, his right hand is his dominant hand. Always seems to look clean and attentive. Life Story Shileus was born in a clinic down the street from his parents house to Anna Elumorn and Ivarn Zadrian (Father changed last name later on) His favorite pass-time was walking backwards and trying to recite the alphabet. His younger years were spent in his room, his parents argued back and forth about them never having a proper honeymoon and never having a half-decent date. His mother tried to make it better by hiring a babysitter for when they went out. But the father wasn't satisfied, he wanted more children, but the mother didn't. After a few years the family split into pieces, Shileus was sent to foster parents, he hated them. After 2 months he ran away, living in the streets for a while (Until he turned 18) Shileus looked for jobs for a while, he was unsuccessful until he joined this group of faithful void priests, where he would learn about Carraq and other gods, but mainly following Carraq. Moved to regalia at age 110 and he left the group of Priests to live on his own terms. In his public life he works as an alchemist. Previous Afflictions/Infections Vampirism (current)
Howdy! There are a few minor issues with this app that need to be resolved before I can approve it: Your Proficiency Section has super heavy combat investments for an 18 year old. You should diversify it a bit, especially considering that Shileus doesn't believe in violence, and have a few non-combat related proficiencies. Blood Dance 3 is not an ability available for this character. You cannot select abilities from the ability list at random, and only gain them from Race, Affliction (Vampirism or something similar), or investing points into Sorcery. Please remove it. Where did Shileus learn Ithanian from? Is he from Ithania, or is his non-elven parent Ithanian? What race is his Elven parent? Altalar, Cielothar, Avanthar? Please check the races page for the elven races: https://wiki.massivecraft.com/Races#Magus Who were these 'corrupt soldiers' that Shileus joined up with? Were they mercenaries? Were they maybe defectors from the Regalian Army, or from Ithania? What did he do while he was with them, and why did he eventually leave? Go ahead and tag me once you've made those edits and expanded on those points in your backstory. Thank you!
Also, yes! There are no rules on that on the server. Your character can be any sexual orientation and identify as any gender, it's perfectly allowed.
Much better! Major improvement, app looks great now. In order to have Altalar Master 1, the character would need to be a full-blooded Teledden Altalar, which is a subrace of Altalar that are very stuck-up high elves most comparable to the Thalmor from Elder Scrolls, if you've played that game. If you are playing a half-elf, you would instead get Arcane Mastery 1. Which would you prefer? Half-Altalar/Half-Elf (they're the same thing) would be much easier to play, so I would recommend going with that until you're more familiar with server lore. Please include your Physical Stat in your proficiency section. If you decide to play Half-Altalar/Half-Elf, you would have the maximum Phys Stat at 25. Your backstory is great now, and the rest of the app looks fine. Thank you for your patience and cooperation ^^ Please go ahead and tag me once you've made those last few edits and I'll be able to approve!
Howdy! Much better, thank you for making those edits. I think there may have been a miscommunication however: You have incorrectly labeled Physical Stat as "Proficiency Stat". You have also miscalculated it as 17. It should be 25, like how I mentioned in my post above. Please correct this. Go ahead and make those changes. Once you have I'll be able to approve your app. Thank you ^^
Perfect, thanks so much! If you need any other help with character creation I'd recommend making a ticket via the Discord Ticket Bot. Staff can walk you through the process. APPROVED
@NeedlessMango10 my review: The Core concept needs to be revised. Look at the example under the template https://forums.massivecraft.com/threads/character-applications-template.54735/ to get an idea of what we want to see here. Of the 14 proficiency points, you have 6 invested. You do not need to buy packs to be a perfect 1:1 with points. You could have 7 in Dexterity and have 0 packs taken, for example. Look into allocating the remaining 8 There's a large gap between dexterity and ability information You do no need to write down every ability. We're more concerned where the abilities come from. I assume they come from Vampirism, so just write down "Vampirism" You can put down Common and a Native Language under languages. "The Empire Linguist Pack gives the Character rough command and understanding of most languages found in the Regalian Empire, while being fluent in some of them." I cannot accept that a 30 year old would be a perfect speaker of 13 languages as if they were native. The character can understand all of them, but to claim native fluency in all of them is going too far. It may be better to just remove the statement in the brackets. If the character is a vampire, they would have Red eyes in Appearance information, not Gray. If the intent is to describe their natural coloring, specify it as such. Also add a Vampire Form description since Vampires have that. The life story needs revisions: First point is fine. Second point is fine-ish, but who would assassinate some random bum on the streets? Broken heart also reads a bit cliche. Third point needs a total rewrite. Things are fine up until the torturing and murdering. It's edgy, and there's no better way to describe it. Change it to joining it up with bandits or something similar, and the reader can assume all the nasty stuff comes with it. The family fortune makes no sense when his parents seemed to be lowlifes living in poverty. It's also a lot of money for a commoner to inherit, this is aristocratic levels of wealth. Also more edginess about enjoying killing. Nobody sane enjoys murdering. Except for Vampires, but killing for killing's sake it a dated concept. There's also no mention of becoming a vampire. Was this an in-roleplay scenario, or something from backstory? last point is fine. There's a few points to rework, but overall it's not terrible despite the amount of points I've added. From what I gathered, the character is a criminal born into the underworld, and just never decided to leave that lifestyle. Tailor the app accordingly, and tag me when you've made the above changes.
@NeedlessMango10 follow-up review: Core concept still needs to be fleshed out a bit. Look to the template example to see what we're looking for. You can add Common and a parent language still (d'Ithanie probably) but since it's already in Empire Linguist I don't care if it's there or not. The Vampire Form description is still missing. Life story is better, but still needs a few points addressed: I'd change "His favorite pass-time during these deaths was to sit on the windowsill of his parents mansion and sob himself to sleep" to just say "their deaths were difficult for him" or something like it. I'd still look to removing the mention of a "fortune" of a few hundred thousand regals. Commoners don't have that king of money, contrary to what roleplay would suggest. I don't think an inheritance makes any impact on the life story, so it's probably cleaner to just omit it. When you've handled these points, tag me again.
@NeedlessMango10 I don't know if some edits were not saved (since I'm looking back at version history), but there's still points from above which were not addressed. Double check the app and tag me when all of them have been addressed.
I saw some edits in the history, but nothing substantial. What we are looking for is like what we have on the template example found here: "Jan Peters is a veteran Tenpenny soldier and survivor of several wars. From a humble childhood as a cattle-hand, he has grown into a young but troubled man with a future ahead of him." While what you have is close, it does not read like a natural sentence. It would be much better to write it as: "Shileus is Vampire assassin and Alchemist, who had a troubled life of crime growing up. He now continues this path as a worshipper of the Void God Qarrakh." There is no Vampire Form description here. As mentioned before, Vampires have a specific form that they can use, which is found under Vampiric Form here: https://wiki.massivecraft.com/Vampirism#Blooded_Vampire It is mandatory to have a Form description. It does not need to be major, but it has to be different from the generic appearance linked above. I made the suggestion to alter this sentence to avoid the "sob himself to sleep" and just make it vague by saying the situation was hard on him. I'd also omit "mansion" from the story, as that implies some grand level of wealth which is not permitted for commoners. I don't want to harp too many times, but looking back at the history of the app, not all of the points have been addressed, twice. We both want this app to be a good reflection of the character and the lore, but it requires making the necessary changes for approval. Please take what I've linked above, make the edits, and then tag me for approval. @NeedlessMango10
@FireFan96, I was on vacay, but now I'm back and I made the requested edits. I also changed his age from 40 to 132, I think it makes the large amount of wisdom he carries make more sense since he's lived longer.
Just clarify what race they are. Additional information can go under backstory. The proficiency section is confusing to read. Abilities don't function as they had before, the magic category is also missing. Just click on my link to Aerbueari in my signature and use it as an example of how it should read. I do feel though like you haven't really addressed the bulk of the issues that Firefan brought up originally and have done your best to maintain or edge around the subject as opposed to face it. I'm citing this part in his review; You use a lot of very common writing tropes, assassination, parents dying in x event, sadness, misfortune, etc. There are other ways to achieve these in a character's backstory while also avoiding the common tropes and cliches that other people use in their writing. Like instead of their parents getting killed by some rather edgy assassin, there could be things like a household disagreement and the family falling apart, their mother becoming ill after their father left etc etc. Let's analyze and dissect. Second segment follows a lot of stereotype writing tropes, try to avoid edgy cliches and use more defined reasoning. You could write their parents separating naturally due to arguments over a long period of time until things eventually boiled over. What were their reasons? Father left, took the wealth with him and mother got sick and couldn't support the two of them anymore and died of natural causes. For the third segment, corrupt soldiers reads oddly.Why not just write them as joining a group of bandits after the loss of their parents because they couldn't find any other opportunities in life? Killing people and taking them hostage also isn't something that should be taken lightly as that is usually an executable offense in a lot of states. Fourth segment. And maybe a bit of core concept too. Assassin archetype characters don't work well in roleplay on massive because the entire premise of an assassin operates on killing someone which isn't really something you can do. You can't really stealthily one shot someone with a dagger or a bow at a distance either, combat will always devolve into a brawl which sort of waters down the aesthetic niche of being an assassin. The overall aesthetics of it are still viable, like cloak and dagger with shadow magic etc. Those are pretty cool. Tag me with an @Caelamus whenever you feel you're ready.
