Raid "Nuh-uh. Back- Have a knife. No touching." Basic Information Full Name: Sanou Basile; Raid Blackbird Fa'Salor Nicknames / Aliases / Titles: Horned Raider; Raid, Songbird Age: 18 Gender: Male Race: Songaskian Preferred Weapon: Daggers Spoiler: Inventory Information Inventory Information Letter opener (Sharpened to a dagger point) Bone Necklace Pouch of Food Pouch of Shiny knick-knacks A pretty scrap of cloth from fancy clothing Skill Information Points: # 50 + 10 hobby points; 41 (10 hobby) spent Core Group Proficiencies Melee Combat Category Dagger Combat 14 Spear Combat 5 Talent Group Proficiencies Special Training Category Medical Training 5 Hobby Group Proficiencies Visual Art Category Painting Art 10 (10 Hobby) Craft Art Category Sculpting Art 5 Point-Buy Proficiencies Roguery Rogue Gift 4 Metallurgy Weapon (3 points) Iron Family (3 points) Schooling Proficiencies Oussafalin Academy Songay; Command school (3 Points) Body Shape Physical Stat: 10 [Songaskian Capped at 35] 14 [ Dagger Combat ] + 5 [Spear Combat] = 19 Phys Stat Body Shape: Slim Body Fat: Low Languages Common (Home Language) 8/10 Sofaal (Birth Language) 6/10 Special Traits Common Abilities Super Self 7 Element Control 3 Element Brand 3 Home Enchant 2 Magic Sight 2 Elder Form Abilities Elder Form 1 Elder Form 2 Elder Form 3 Visual Information Eye Color: Golden Orangy-yellow Hair Color: Snow-White Hair Style: Clean-cut and Up-done; long. Skin Color: Deep chocolate brown Clothing: Fancy Robes and skin-tight shirts Height: 6'0" Spoiler: Old Visual Guide Spoiler: New Visual Guide Personality Information Core List Choose your character alignment. True Neutral Choose your character personality type. ISTP-T Choose your character's religion. Shambala; 2/10 Life Story After having lived a decent home life in Regalia from his birth to the moment he hit 6 (Which he obviously remembers little to nothing of), Things turned quickly for the young boy as he began to properly converse and make decisions for himself (To the extreme of choosing a color for his clothing- How influential.) This all started to add up, as the child began to ask for things- Eating certain foods, or requesting that they buy certain toys for his room. One day, He asked if he could have a small allowance- So he could start saving for his own things, with his own money. Little did he know, His "parents" were not all in the right of mind- They quickly treated a child as if he was ready for the world. This meant that at an age /way/ too young to explore the world, his parents thrusted him from the household as if he hadn't existed. While Raid does not understand why this occurred, What he did not understand was that he was the result of an affair that his birth mother had with a man in the military; Taeron Fa'Salor. Of course, His Songaskian peers would not take in sullied property- As he did not know his Lineage, after years of focusing on his own health and memorizing things /he/ needed to. He only took charity he was given, some food where he could, and a shiny silver letter opener he’s been able to sharpen to a point. Raid picked up his “name” after being sworn at by the local baker for stealing food- Which peaked the interest of a traveling soldier. They spent little time together, as the Soldier was due to battle soon, but that was when He learned how to use his pointed makeshift knife. Raid would have taken caravan paths that would transport him, and travel with families that took pity on such a child- Through the hardship he’s faced, He’s learned quickly that /anyone/ could be a dangerous person. There were times where he would judge someone incorrectly, and he would have to fight and run from thieves. There are always some more desperate than him, and that sharp little letter opener has found him well upon occasion. His recent transport, as a stowaway on a ship, has found him in Regalia with a new land to explore, though his somewhat distrustful nature clashes harshly with the utter despair of the land. The holy city he resides in has become a more permanent location- With places to sleep deep into the sewers, and the Alms house giving out free food, He tries to overcome the harsh people to live more comfortably than he ever has. Now 14 years old, he navigates a land of Murder and violence, A bitter outlook but a hopeful feeling that things will get better. Current Events After discovering his birth father and becoming a member of nobility, the boy was sent to Military school to improve his attitude. Now, he comes back to Regalia with new experiences and a developed sense of the world under his belt. After a set of disagreements, Raid had been temporarily thrusted from the family, as is the Songaskian tradition of newly formed adults. He does not feel close to the Masaya, nor does his resentment for how his people have treated him change. A new sense of liberation overcomes his grief, and with a goal of an Orphanage for Farborn in his sights, He's prepared to work hard under the common peerage until he can convince his newfound true family of the good of /Raid's/ people. The age of Kassambaras is over; Finally, he can rest easy.
Adding onto the above. Your character is also likely too young to have anywhere near the skills that they do. Becoming an expert thief, and a professional seamster/knife fighter/medical healer before mastering their own birth language is a lot to swallow. I’d recommend maybe playing them young for a while, and then perhaps aging them up and then adding those skills.
Hi, peer review time! mention that you have five free talent points mention that you have five free hobby points I find it hard to believe a fourteen year old is less than at least mediocre in their native language. Even a child shouldn't be this short. Meet compliance with the height requirement or just below it, which is six foot. Staff tend to like it if you expand on these points with a couple of sentences. Expand on this a bit. How did they treat him besides like an adult? Did they make him do manual labor? Extra chores? Overall, your life story is a bit difficult to navigate. Try using bullet points for key moments in his life (the soldier, his family, etc.) @akusazero
@akusazero I'd clarify what age their parents ejected them from the home, as I find it difficult to believe anyone would consider a three-year-old an adult. While Songaskia families do tend to eject their children from their home, this is usually only when they've become actual adults. Mark changes made in green and tag me once you're all set.
Your math here is off, and I don't really understand how. But it somehow is, so please correct this, and I'll Approve the application.
@HydraLana Not gonna lie chief, I have no idea how I fucked it up either. Thank you a ton, for helping me fix my sleep deprived binge writing!
@akusazero Winterless is correct, your Physical Stat is still wrong. Also, it looks even more confusing than before, so please clean it up, re-read how the Stat calculation works, and redo it. Tag me once you are done.
@HydraLana Hey, I'm so sorry. for some reason it just isn't adding up in my head easily. Basic math, amirite? If it's still wrong, then I guess ping me again.
Please properly report the points you are investing. This line, and other parts of his Life Story, might need some heavy updates. You're essentially stating other noble characters are somehow mentally incapable of distinguishing a child from an adult. Overall, the LS is also messy and somewhat weird phrased at points? If he's adopted, then sure, he'd have the life described but at current, there is no information of that. You also don't state where or when he was born, and randomly jump to the age of 6. In addition, the end of your Life Story discusses nothing of how he's been kicking out of his family again, surely that breeds some level of fear and resentment given how he was already treated by them earlier due to their mental deficiency? In summary: I implore that you communicate with the Noble Family you are a part of to bring this Life Story into greater logical consistency. Tag me once these edits have been made @akusazero
@HydraLana Hey hey! Sorry about all that- It is definitely a bit messy XD The schooling and Metallurgy now have point costs beside them, and the clarifications in story are in orange.
Approved but I encourage you to continue to work on the phrasing and structure of your Life Story in the future. The issues I raised were largely solved, but there is still a more flowing path to take things down.
Do you still plan to have this application approved? If so, I ask that you update it to the new format before this can enter a reviewing process.
Yes, i'll do that! Sorry! He got Rejected suddenly and without warning before the update. I'll let you know when it's done.
It has nearly been a month. If this app isn't fixed by the 11th, I'll have to reject this application.
